Dorothy: Rose, what does the letter say?
Rose: You read it, Dorothy. I need both hands to cover my ears in case it's bad news.
Dorothy: "Dear St. Olafian, I'm afraid there's bad news."
Rose: What?
Dorothy: "There's a drought in St. Olaf which threatens the crops."
Rose: Oh, no. I better send water.
Dorothy: "Please do not send water. We have found that envelopes leak. Until the rains come, we ask that all citizens be celibate, except for Ulf, the Umbrella King. He has suffered enough."
Rose: Well, if it'll help bring in the crops.

Sophia: What if I got gorgeous for nothing? What if Tony doesn't even notice me?
Blanche: Well, that's his hard luck. There are other fish in the sea.
Sophia: The only ones my age are floating on the top.

Blanche: Sophia, I'll bet with a few tips from me, you can have this guy Tony in bed in no time.
Sophia: That's good, because that's exactly how much time we have.
Dorothy: Now, my mother does not do that.
Sophia: Yes, I do. I've just been in dry dock. I'm back now. I'm suited up, Coach. Put me back in the game.
Blanche: OK, but you have to listen to everything I say. When I say "jump," you say, "On who?"

Dorothy: Ma, remember. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Sophia: I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

Rose: Hi, Sophia. How was your date last night?
Sophia: Tony Delveccio is a dreamboat. I wouldn't mind glancing over at the night table and seeing his teeth next to mine.
Dorothy: Ma, please. I mean, it's probably silly, but I'm not that comfortable hearing about your romantic escapades with men.
Sophia: Then you're gonna hate this. I fantasize about him all day. Last night, I dreamed I was Joan of Arc, and he was coming at me with a hose.
Dorothy: Ma, maybe it was just a religious-experience dream.
Blanche: Did he put out the fire?
Sophia: Three times.
Blanche: Wow, the seldom-achieved Joan of Arc fantasy triple. Sophia, I hate you.

Sophia: I think I'm falling in love. I haven't felt his way since your father. But Tony looks at me as a friend, as a companion.
Dorothy: Honey, nothing wrong with that.
Sophia: Yeah, but I'm picturing him naked, and I'm not laughing.

Blanche: If you want my advice, I think you should sleep with him.
Sophia: Done.
Dorothy: That is not what she wants.
Rose: Dorothy, the man came at her with a hose.
Dorothy: Oh, come on, Ma. You haven't known him that long. Take your time. After a few months, better yet, a few years, then you can start thinking about a more physical relationship.
Sophia: Look who's giving away years here. You know my motto - today could be the last day of the rest of the your life.

Rose: I just got a special-delivery letter from St. Olaf. Uh-oh, it's from the Department of Water and Coffee.
Dorothy: Coffee?
Rose: No, thanks. It makes me jumpy.

Blanche: Oh, you cannot possibly believe that abstaining is gonna change the weather?
Rose: Blanche, I don't think you realize how powerful sex is. Once, Charlie and I actually did it till the cows came home. 'Course, I was wearing a bell.
Dorothy: Of course. Hence the nickname "Dingdong."
Rose: Hey, you're probably right.

Rose: I'm gonna call him, and I'm gonna tell him the truth. You were right all along, Dorothy. The truth is always the best.
Dorothy: That is very wise, Rose.
Rose: Well, I don't want you to think I just made that up. I saw it this afternoon on TV when I was watching the new Lassie. You know, that's actually an interesting story. You see, the new Timmy was lost, and the new Lassie was trying to tell the new grandpa where he was, so the new Lassie-
Dorothy: Rose, did I ever tell you that I cry every Tuesday at 8:05? Excuse me. [exits]