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‘Ebbtide's Revenge’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Ebbtide's Revenge

612. Ebbtide's Revenge

Aired December 15, 1990

After the death of her son, Phil, Sophia can't bring herself to patch things up with his widow, Angela.

Quote from Dorothy

Father Salerno: Folks, to begin this part of the service, Phil's sister, Dorothy, will say a few words. Dorothy. Please don't take this wrong, but I've got to know. You are a girl, aren't you?
Dorothy: Seems like I'm always mad at my brother Phil. I was mad the day my parents brought him back from the hospital. I thought he'd take their love away from me, and instead, their love expanded and we felt more like a family. I was mad at him when I was ten and he was four and we moved to a new neighborhood. I was mad because he always made new friends more easily than I did. And I'm mad today, because I never wanted to give the eulogy at my kid brother's funeral. I'm mad because he died. He didn't have the wisdom to know that family members shouldn't allow themselves to grow apart. Because when this day comes, they can no longer tell each other how they care. If he'd had that wisdom, he could have shared it with me and I would have known the hundreds of memories I have of just the two of us. Eating ice cream on the stoop of our building, or going through the drawers at Grandma's house, or dressing up like the Bronte sisters. How those memories fill me with joy. Why didn't you have that wisdom, Phil? Why didn't you give us a chance to tell you how much we loved you?

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Quote from Sophia

Sophia: [sobbing] I did love him. He was my son. My little boy. But every time I saw him I always wondered what I did, what I said, when was the day that I did whatever I did to make him the way he was.
Angela: What he was, Sophia, was a good man.
Sophia: [crying] My baby is gone!
Angela: Oh, Sophia.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Oh, Ma, don't you think this feud between you and Angela has gone on long enough?
Sophia: It's 26 years. In Sicily that's not a feud. In Sicily people scream at each other for centuries, and they throw pasta at each other. Pasta and sauce. Rich sauce with delicious seafood. Mussels, shrimp- Wait a minute. I think I switched from feud to food.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Dorothy, I never understood why your brother wore women's clothes, unless he was queer.
Blanche: Sophia, people don't say "queer" anymore. They say "gay."
Sophia: They say "gay" if a guy can sing the entire score of Gigi. But a six-foot-three, 200-pound married man with kids who likes to dress up like Dorothy Lamour? I think you have to go with queer.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Rose, can you help me with this necklace?
Rose: Oh, sure.
Dorothy: Ugh, I'm so nervous. Have you ever given a eulogy?
Rose: You mean at a funeral?
Dorothy: No, Rose, at a pie-eating contest.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Ugh, I just don't know what I'm gonna say.
Rose: Well, actually, I was asked to say a few words at Lenny Linderflot's funeral once. Everybody thought we were good friends, 'cause all through school, he sat right in front of me because we were in alphabetical order. But in reality, all I knew about Lenny was what the back of his head looked like.
Dorothy: So, what did you say?
Rose: "I loved the back of Lenny Linderflot's head. He had the back of the head of an honest man. And after seeing him face-up in the casket today, not a bad-looking guy either."

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Ready?
Dorothy: To run with the bulls in Pamplona?
Blanche: Dorothy, you know this is my funeral dress. I don't believe in wearing black, unless I'm a little bloated.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Well, I'm all set. What's with Satan's secretary?
Blanche: Sophia, I believe Phil would have liked this dress.
Sophia: Liked it? He would have looked great in it.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: He looks very peaceful and natural.
Dorothy: As natural as a man can look wearing a black teddy.
Rose: It's a beautiful teddy. I think more men should be buried in teddies.
Dorothy: I've just got to remember, it's not the clothes that make the man, it's the man that makes the clothes. Oh, God, he looks like he died in a Benny Hill sketch.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Oh, I guess, there's nothing we can do about it now. Besides, it's probably what Phil wanted. I'm gonna go check on Ma.
Blanche: Listen, if it makes you feel any better, I don't see anything wrong with it.
Dorothy: Oh, thank you, Blanche. This means a lot coming from a woman who wants to be buried dressed like a majorette.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Where is Big Sally?
Dorothy: Oh, Ma. Her name is Angela. Ma, I want you to make peace with her.
Angela: Hello, Dorothy. Sophia.
Dorothy: Angela.
Angela: Dorothy. Dorothy, I don't know if it was a good idea to have the funeral in Miami instead of Newark. I just talked to the priest. He doesn't know a thing about Phil. He thinks Phil was some kinda crazy combination brain surgeon/astronaut. Where would he get the idea that Phil had an IQ of 160?
Sophia: Well, if your brother hadn't been stumped by long division...

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Angela, about this teddy.
Angela: It's a beaut, isn't it? No surprise, though. Phil had great taste. That's one of the things I loved about him the most from the beginning. His sense of style. We were married for 26 years and my family still talks about that wedding dress. God, I wish I could wear a plunging neckline like that.
Sophia: Why couldn't you bury him in a suit?
Angela: Because this is what he wanted. You know, it hasn't been easy for me, Sophia. It hasn't been easy.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: You all right, Sophia?
Sophia: Why does everyone keep asking me that? I'm OK. I'm fine. I don't want to talk about it.
Rose: You know, I saw a lot of this when I worked at the grief center. You're angry about Phil's death and that's normal. But you shouldn't be angry with Angela. You know, I think you haven't cried because you haven't accepted his death yet.
Sophia: Thank you. I've never been psychoanalyzed by a dipstick before.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: I wonder who they are?
Blanche: You mean you don't know them?
Dorothy: No.
Blanche: Now this is awful.
Dorothy: What? What's awful?
Blanche: Well, isn't it obvious? Veiled, shapely creatures, unknown to the family, coming to say one last secret goodbye to their special friend.
Dorothy: You mean?
Blanche: That's right. Sluts.
Angela: I can't believe they came all the way from Newark.
Dorothy: You know them?
Angela: Phil tried to keep them a secret, but I knew he was spending his Thursday nights with them.
Blanche: Oh, I know it's hard, but try not to hate 'em, my dear. They're just lonely creatures who reached out to another person for a little warmth.
Angela: These are the guys from Phil's poker game.
Blanche: This is too funny. I have to get my camera from the car.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Angela, I wish you wouldn't rush right back to Newark after the funeral. Why don't you stay at the house for a couple of days.
Angela: I gotta get back to work. I was just promoted. Chief make-over artist in the cosmetic department at Bamberger's.
Dorothy: Angela, Angela, this has to end. You know, I don't think the family even knows what the fight was about.
Angela: I'll tell you what it was about. Your mother hates me. I'm sorry, Dorothy. I've been invited to your mother's house twice in the past 26 years and that was quite enough.
Dorothy: Then why don't you come to my house? Angela, please?
Angela: OK. I'll come.
Dorothy: OK.
Angela: Maybe I could show Blanche how to correctly apply her makeup.
Dorothy: I'd like that.
Angela: Although she might be offended if I bring it up.
Dorothy: That's the part I like.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: You showed disrespect for our family, and family is sacred where I come from. Phil knew how I felt. You think it was easy for me? I did what I had to do.
Angela: But what did I do?
Sophia: You know very well what you did.
Angela: I swear, I don't.
Sophia: Your dowry check bounced.
Angela: What dowry check?
Sophia: Your father gave us a check for two million when we agreed to let you marry Phil.
Blanche: Two million dollars for Phil? Wasn't exactly a buyer's market, was it?
Sophia: Not two million dollars. It was lire. With the exchange rate, it came to about $47. But the check bounced anyway.

Quote from Rose

Rose: My father offered a dowry, and Charlie wouldn't take it.
Blanche: Oh, maybe that's because he knew eventually those beans would stop jumpin'.
Rose: Or maybe he just loved me. Beans. I'll have you know it was the biggest pumpkin of the season.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Come on, now, I've had it, I've had it. That's enough. Come on. Now, isn't somebody going to say something? Ma? Angela? Fine. I'll wait. [silence]
Rose: You know what I think?
Blanche: That reindeer really know how to fly?
Rose: That's enough, Blanche!

Quote from Rose

Rose: I spent a lot of time at that grief center, and I know what I'm talking about. Sophia, is that $47 the only thing that's bothering you?
Sophia: It's a big part of it.
Rose: What else?
Sophia: The dress thing. Why didn't she stop the dress thing?
Angela: He's been doing that all his life. That didn't start with me.
Sophia: Oh, so it's my fault?
Rose: Are you worried that people will think it's your fault, Sophia?
Sophia: Oh, it's not like having a war hero in the family.
Rose: Angela, was he a good husband?
Angela: Yeah.
Rose: A good provider? A good father for your children?
Angela: Yeah!

Quote from Rose

Rose: OK. Now, I know no one wants to hear one of my stories right now.
Dorothy: That's usually a pretty safe bet, Rose.
Rose: But you need to know about my cousin Ingmar. Ingmar was different. He used to do bird imitations.
Blanche: Well, what's wrong with that?
Rose: Well, let's just say you didn't want to park your car under their oak tree. No, Ingmar was different. His mother used to say he brought shame to the house of Hausenfeffershtuledunker. Anyway, you're all wondering where this story is going, so I'll skip the part where he ran up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs-
Dorothy: Rose, you're not skipping!
Rose: Sorry. The point is, it was shame that kept Aunt Katrina from loving slow Ingmar. And it ruined her life. Oh, don't let that happen to you, Sophia. Let go of the shame. So what if he was different? It's OK that you loved him.


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