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‘A Piece of Cake’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: A Piece of Cake

225. A Piece of Cake

Aired May 9, 1987

As Sophia rushes to bake a cake for a surprise party, the girls reminisce about some of their past birthdays.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Don't panic, I'm fine. I haven't had that much. Besides, you think I'd ruin Roberta's milestone birthday?
Rose: Milestone? She's 88.
Sophia: Right. After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone.

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Quote from Sophia

Sophia: I think my milestone birthday was when I turned 50.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, I remember your 50th. We were supposed to go to a party at Guido's, but you were fighting with Pop.
Sophia: Oh, yeah.
Dorothy: Oh, I'll never forget it. It was Brooklyn, April, 1956.
Sophia: Dorothy.
Dorothy: Yes?
Sophia: I tell the stories around here. Picture it: Brooklyn, April, 1956...

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Sophia: What do I have to celebrate? That I have a miserable marriage and I'm leaving my husband?
Dorothy: You and Pop had a fight.
Sophia: You love to show off that college education, don't you?
Dorothy: OK, why are you mad at Pop?
Sophia: Because your father is a miserable, no-good, insensitive bum!
Salvadore: [o.s.] I heard that!
Sophia: Good, then hear this! May you lose the three hairs left on your head!
Salvadore: [o.s.] Oh, yeah? Well, may you lose your tweezers so your eyebrows meet to cover the wart in the middle of your forehead!
Sophia: That's not a wart, that's a beauty mark!
Salvadore: [o.s.] On Sophia Loren, it's a beauty mark! On you and Khrushchev, it's a wart!

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing here? You know you're not supposed to leave the home. You're still recovering from that stroke.
Sophia: What recovering? I'm back 100%, knock wood. [knocks] Come in!

Quote from Blanche

[flashback:]
Rose: Well, I don't see how anybody can hate birthdays.
Blanche: Well, because they are constant reminders that with each passing year our bodies begin to sag, our faces begin to wrinkle, our hair begins to turn gray. Of course, none of that's happened to me yet. But it's only a question of time until I end up looking like the two of you.
Dorothy: Blanche, you keep that up, you won't have that much time left.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: What time's the birthday girl getting here?
Dorothy: I told Roberta to be here at two o'clock.
Rose: Do you think she suspects anything?
Sophia: Please! The woman is 88. She still tries to find Gunsmoke on Sunday nights.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Rose had planned a surprise birthday party for me. You were still living at Shady Pines.
Sophia: You mean the home. Say it, Dorothy. The home.

Quote from Rose

[flashback:]
Rose: Isn't this fun? Dorothy, you haven't even touched your Mr. Ha Ha dog.
Dorothy: You're right. [splat] There, I touched it.
Rose: You're not having any fun, are you, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, am I that transparent?
Rose: You're the one who always complains that her birthday parties are dull and boring. When I saw Mr. Ha Ha's advertised on television, it looked like fun.
Dorothy: For a five-year-old, Rose. Or someone who thinks like one!

Quote from Dorothy

[flashback:]
Mr. Ha Ha: Are you Dorothy Zbornak?
Dorothy: That's right.
Mr. Ha Ha: Get up on stage, Dorothy!
Dorothy: Get bent, Ha Ha!
Mr. Ha Ha: Come on, kids. Let's give Dorothy a great big Ha Ha cheer!
Children: Ha Ha!
Mr. Ha Ha: Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! [applause] Well, it says here on my Ha Ha birthday list that Bobby is seven, Jeannie is nine, and Dorothy is...
Dorothy: I'll punch your heart out, Ha Ha.
Mr. Ha Ha: Dorothy is the oldest! And, as the oldest, you get to lead the birthday parade! Here is your parade leader's hat. Mr. Music, if you please.
Dorothy: Don't prolong this. I know what car you drive, Ha Ha.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: How's the cake coming, Sophia?
Sophia: Beautiful. I got everything. Coconut, eggs, unbleached flour, rum.
Rose: Oh, you making a rum cake?
Sophia: No.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Gee, I love to bake. Back in St. Olaf, I always baked our birthday cakes. Charlie loved 'em. I remember the last cake I baked in St. Olaf. It was kinda different.
[flashback: In St. Olaf, Rose places a birthday cake she just prepared on the kitchen table, then leaves the room. She then returns.]
Rose: [talking to herself] Oh, my birthday! I completely forgot! Well, I'd better make a wish and blow out those candles before Mr.
Hickenlooper has the volunteer fire brigade up here pumping water on my clean kitchen floor. I swear, that man will look for any excuse to make that siren sound through his nose. Inga Lundqvist told me just this last week I know. Shut up, Rose, and blow out your candles. OK. A wish. I guess that was kind of a silly wish. I know you can't really be here with me, Charlie. It's taken me these past eight months to accept that, but I finally have. Then why our usual little private birthday celebration? It somehow feels less Ionely, Charlie. I mean, this is the first special day I've had to spend without you. If it had been Christmas, I'd probably have hung your stocking. Or if it had been your birthday, I probably would have still asked the clerk down at Tuttles to help me pick out a tie for you. Oh, I bet that would have gotten me some strange looks from the sales staff. Although they already look at me strangely. Because of the time I tried to special-order a double-breasted navy suit with a drop-seat in the pants for cousin Wendell. Anyway, that was part of the reason. The other part was I wanted to talk to you. I know. I didn't need a special occasion for that. It would be more of an occasion if I stopped talking. But I I figured since it was my birthday, you wouldn't be upset when you hear what I've got to tell you. I've decided to sell the house and leave St. Olaf, Charlie. The winters are rough here in Minnesota.
And this place is too filled with memories to let me get on with my life. I need to start over without you, Charlie. And I think this is the best way. I know it'll be tough in a strange town all alone. But I've read some wonderful things about Miami. It won't be long before I meet nice people and make some new friends. I have a real good feeling about that. So I just wanted you to know what I decided. I hope to be in Florida before the next winter comes. But I know that wherever I am, you'll be right there with me. I love you, Charlie. I miss you. It's my birthday! You know the rules. I get the rose.

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Dorothy: Ma, I've got news for you. I don't think it would have been any easier for you to break into the ballet at 48.
Sophia: That's not the point. I'd still have two more years to dream. I can't believe it. I'm 50! I'm an old lady who hasn't accomplished a thing in life.
Dorothy: You haven't accomplished a thing? You raised three kids during the Depression and always managed to have food on the table. You held down two jobs as far back as I can remember, but somehow you were always there when we needed you. You got me through four years of college, by helping pay for it, but also by encouraging me when I felt like giving up. Do you want me to go on, Ma? Because we could be here all night.
Sophia: Enough, already. Ralph Edwards makes less of a fuss over people.

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Salvadore: [o.s.] I'm tired of this old lady business! You're acting like an ass! You don't look 50. You don't look 48. You're as beautiful as the day I married you.
Sophia: Oh, Salvadore! Tell me that again.
Salvadore: [o.s.] You're acting like an ass!

Quote from Dorothy

[flashback:]
Dorothy: Hi, Rose, I picked up Blanche's birthday cake. What are you doing?
Rose: Decorating Blanche's cake. There, it's finished.
Dorothy: I told you I would pick up the cake.
Rose: Oh, I know, but back where I come from, most people won't eat store-bought.
Dorothy: Rose, where you come from, most people live in windmills and make love to polka music.
Rose: Stop it, Dorothy, you're making me homesick.

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Dorothy: Just listen. We are throwing a surprise birthday party for Blanche. I want you to go out to the lanai and mingle with the other guests.
Sophia: Check. What's a lanai?
Dorothy: The porch!
Sophia: Excuse me, Krystle Carrington.

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Rose: Blanche, I guess we made a mistake.
Dorothy: Honey, look, we'll cancel the party. We'll send everybody home and we'll forget that the whole thing ever happened.
Sophia: Yo, everybody! The party's off. They want us out. But you're all welcome to come back to my place. If someone can tell me where it is.

Quote from Blanche

[flashback:]
Blanche: Roger! Edgar! Burt! Leland! Well, what are they all doing here?
Rose: I invited everybody in your address book.
Blanche: The little red one by my night stand?
Rose: No, the little black one next to your hot body oil dispenser.
Blanche: Wait a minute, fellas. Now no need to rush off like this. It is my birthday. Who wants to be the first one to spank me?


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