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‘To Catch a Neighbor’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: To Catch a Neighbor

224. To Catch a Neighbor

Aired May 2, 1987

After their neighbors are suspected of being jewel thiefs, the girls let a pair of police officers set up shop in their house.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: I'm scared. I don't know what to do.
Sophia: First of all, don't think your problem is so unique. People do crazy things for love all the time. Let me tell you a little story. Picture this: Sicily, August 1908. No, that's not it. But if you ever need a story about jealousy, this one is a pip.
Dorothy: Ma, just go to sleep.
Sophia: No, no. I remember. Havana, 1957. No, I was never in Havana.
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: I meant Brooklyn, 1958. No, that's not it. I don't believe it. I'm dry! I got nothing!

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Quote from Rose

Rose: Oh, I just love to welcome people to the neighborhood. In fact, back home, I used to run our town's Vilkomm Wagon. Oh, boy, was that fun! Whenever a new family would move in to St. Olaf, we'd all hop on the tractor and ride out to the new neighbors' farm, thirty or forty of us, carrying vats of smoked fish and big pitchers of freshly-squeezed potato juice. While Cousin Dat played "Getting To Know You" through the hole in his windpipe.
Dorothy: Tell me, did you ever accompany him through the hole in your head?

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Detective Mullins, we decided you all can stay. So welcome to our home.
Al Mullins: Thank you. We appreciate this very much. We'll be back early tomorrow to set up. And don't worry, you won't have to change your lifestyles because of us. All we'll need is a bedroom, a bathroom, and we'll use the kitchen as base.
Sophia: Fine. We'll just cook in the fireplace and pee in the broom closet.

Quote from Blanche

Sophia: What? They hate each other. They fight all the time.
Blanche: Very passionate fights. Why, it has all the signs of a classic love/hate relationship. And from the sparks of that conflict rise the flames of desire. Flames that ignite in an uncontrollable frenzy of lust, passion and ecstasy. [Blanche sprays herself down] I'm sorry. Where was I?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, you're not going.
Sophia: Oh, yes I am. If anything goes wrong, you need someone with experience.
Blanche: Experience with what?
Sophia: Life. You're looking at a woman who lived through two world wars, 15 vendettas, four major operations and two Darrins on Bewitched.
Rose: Sophia, I don't think those are very good reasons to go.
Sophia: No? How about this one? I'm hungry. Let's roll, Danno.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: I hate to say this, but it was almost fun.
Blanche: Fun? Oh, my pulse was racing, my heart was pounding! I could barely get my breath! I think that's the most fun I've ever had standing up! No, I take it back. There was that one time on that 74... 7.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, I cannot believe you, rushing them out of the house like that.
Sophia: Rushing? They were here forever. Two hours to eat pasta and a lousy salad? Your father could eat dinner, read the paper, make love and give himself a pedicure in an hour. And he never got up from the kitchen table.

Quote from Dorothy

Bobby: Al, how are you doing?
Al Mullins: Great. The DA will put away the McDowells for a long time.
Rose: Gee, who's going to look after their lawn?
Dorothy: Rose, while we're here, maybe you should have a CAT scan.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Detective Mullins, I am Blanche Devereaux and these are my roommates, Dorothy and Rose. They're innocent. I am not.
Al Mullins: No, Bobby, you don't have to write that last part. That was just a come-on.

Quote from Blanche

Al Mullins: Look, I'm sorry to take up your time at this hour, ladies, but I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Blanche: Well, of course. I am single, I'm free on Saturday night, and I can arch my back until my head touches my heels.
Bobby: If you don't mind, Al, I'd like to write that one down.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Ladies, I think we must do this. Now, it's our duty as American citizens.
Dorothy: I don't know. Two policemen living in our house?
Blanche: Well, what's there to be afraid of, Dorothy? Once you strip away the gruff exterior, the badge, the gun and the uniform...
Dorothy: You've got a naked policeman.
Blanche: Exactly.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Blanche, now this is serious. If we can assist the police, I think we should. Their job is hard enough as it is. I should know. My father was a policeman.
Dorothy: I thought your father was a farmer.
Rose: On the weekdays. Saturday and Sunday, he and the other farmers became volunteer policemen. Of course, the only crime in St. Olaf was that more people didn't practice better oral hygiene. So most of the time they just sat around the jailhouse and took pictures of each other behind the bars in goofy poses.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Al? Al!
Al Mullins: Yeah?
Sophia: How do you like the pasta?
Al Mullins: Eh, it's OK. I'm not really that crazy about Italian food.
Sophia: Lucky for you you carry a gun.
Al Mullins: Excuse me?
Sophia: I said the last three days with you have really been fun.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Hi, Sophia. Hi, Al. You hear anything on the wiretap yet?
Sophia: Save your breath. He can't hear a word with those things on his ears.
Blanche: Really?
Sophia: Yeah. I've been entertaining myself all afternoon. Watch. Hey, you dumb Bacciagaloop, your face looks like the rear end of a donkey. This kills me. You try it.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Oh, I don't believe this. Hey, Dick Tracy.
Al Mullins: What's your problem now?
Dorothy: I thought I asked you to move this equipment someplace else where it would not be in the way.
Al Mullins: I said I'd try. I tried.
Dorothy: Would you also try to remember to put down the toilet seat after you use it?
Sophia: Sorry, that was me. I was experimenting with something new but it didn't work out.

Quote from Rose

Rose: You won't believe what happened to me at the store. I saw the McDowells. Luckily, they didn't see me, so I followed them all through the store and I wrote down everything they bought.
Al Mullins: Why?
Rose: For evidence, silly!
Dorothy: Rose, they steal jewels, not Geno's pizza rolls.

Quote from Sophia

Al Mullins: Oh, hello.
Rose: Hello. I don't think we've met. I'm Martha McDowell from next door.
Sophia: Hi, Martha. I see you've met my son Alfonso and my grandson Bobby. They're here from New York on a fishing trip. Thus far all they've caught is a cold. [laughs;
Blanche: [sneezes]
Sophia: Nice touch, but I work alone.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: We're not getting zip on the phone. They're too smart. If we want to get an arrest warrant, we got plant a bug.
Rose: I'll do it. I'll be the plant.
Sophia: You are a plant.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Well, if anybody's going to do it, it should be me.
Al Mullins: Why you?
Dorothy: Because I am the best under pressure.
Sophia: And she bears a striking resemblance to Barnaby Jones.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: You've been tossing and turning all night. What's bothering you?
Dorothy: Nothing, nothing.
Sophia: Don't you break a commandment in this room.
Dorothy: What commandment? Thou shalt not toss and turn?
Sophia: No, thou shalt not lie.
Dorothy: That's not a commandment.
Sophia: Really? That doesn't make any sense. There's, "thou shalt not commit adultery," and "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." Two out of ten refer to hitting the sheets, and they couldn't fit in lying? Does anybody think before they write this stuff down?
Dorothy: Ma, you're not making any sense. I can't talk to you when you're half asleep.
Sophia: Excuse me, it's only 4 a.m. Why don't you get a rubber hose and whack me around until I'm razor-sharp?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, I have a problem. I'm worried about tomorrow. I don't know whether or not I should go on that mission.
Sophia: Dorothy, for 50 years you've come to me with all your problems. Who should I take to the prom? Where should I go to college? Do you think I should I marry Stan? These were things I could help you with. "Should I go on this mission?" is out of my area of expertise. Who do you think I am, Oliver North?

Quote from Rose

Rose: They keep talking about that noodle-head in the red dress. Could that be code language?
Dorothy: Only to the noodle-head in the red dress.

Quote from Sophia

Bobby: Yeah, you know, at first I was really scared, but then when I realized it was a shoulder wound, I calmed down. Actually, I passed out. But I did it calmly.
Blanche: Oh, Bobby, you're so brave.
Sophia: You're so stupid! Don't you know you're supposed to duck a bullet? In Sicily, they don't let you pass kindergarten till you learn that.
Rose: Really? In St. Olaf, we just had to promise not to eat paste.


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