Dorothy: I'm scared. I don't know what to do.
Sophia: First of all, don't think your problem is so unique. People do crazy things for love all the time. Let me tell you a little story. Picture this: Sicily, August 1908. No, that's not it. But if you ever need a story about jealousy, this one is a pip.
Dorothy: Ma, just go to sleep.
Sophia: No, no. I remember. Havana, 1957. No, I was never in Havana.
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: I meant Brooklyn, 1958. No, that's not it. I don't believe it. I'm dry! I got nothing!

Rose: Oh, I just love to welcome people to the neighborhood. In fact, back home, I used to run our town's Vilkomm Wagon. Oh, boy, was that fun! Whenever a new family would move in to St. Olaf, we'd all hop on the tractor and ride out to the new neighbors' farm, thirty or forty of us, carrying vats of smoked fish and big pitchers of freshly-squeezed potato juice. While Cousin Dat played "Getting To Know You" through the hole in his windpipe.
Dorothy: Tell me, did you ever accompany him through the hole in your head?

Sophia: What? They hate each other. They fight all the time.
Blanche: Very passionate fights. Why, it has all the signs of a classic love/hate relationship. And from the sparks of that conflict rise the flames of desire. Flames that ignite in an uncontrollable frenzy of lust, passion and ecstasy. [Blanche sprays herself down] I'm sorry. Where was I?

Dorothy: Ma, you're not going.
Sophia: Oh, yes I am. If anything goes wrong, you need someone with experience.
Blanche: Experience with what?
Sophia: With life. You're looking at a woman who lived through two world wars, 15 vendettas, four major operations and two Darrins on Bewitched.
Rose: Sophia, I don't think those are very good reasons to go.
Sophia: No? How about this one? I'm hungry. Let's roll, Danno.

Dorothy: I hate to say this, but it was almost fun.
Blanche: Fun? Oh, my pulse was racing, my heart was pounding! I could barely get my breath! I think that's the most fun I've ever had standing up! No, I take it back. There was that one time on that 74... 7.

Blanche: Detective Mullins, we decided you all can stay. So welcome to our home.
Al Mullins: Thank you. We appreciate this very much. We'll be back early tomorrow to set up. And don't worry, you won't have to change your lifestyles because of us. All we'll need is a bedroom, a bathroom, and we'll use the kitchen as base.
Sophia: Fine. We'll just cook in the fireplace and pee in the broom closet.

Dorothy: Ma, I cannot believe you, rushing them out of the house like that.
Sophia: Rushing? They were here forever. Two hours to eat pasta and a lousy salad? Your father could eat dinner, read the paper, make love and give himself a pedicure in an hour. And he never got up from the kitchen table.

Bobby: Yeah, you know, at first I was really scared, but then when I realized it was a shoulder wound, I calmed down. Actually, I passed out. But I did it calmly.
Blanche: Oh, Bobby, you're so brave.
Sophia: You're so stupid! Don't you know you're supposed to duck a bullet? In Sicily, they don't let you pass kindergarten till you learn that.
Rose: Really? In St. Olaf, we just had to promise not to eat paste.

Bobby: Al, how are you doing?
Al Mullins: Great. The DA will put away the McDowells for a long time.
Rose: Gee, who's going to look after their lawn?
Dorothy: Rose, while we're here, maybe you should have a CAT scan.

Blanche: Detective Mullins, I am Blanche Devereaux and these are my roommates, Dorothy and Rose. They're innocent. I am not.
Al Mullins: No, Bobby, you don't have to write that last part. That was just a come-on.