Blanche: Hey! Wait a minute. Are you saying this should be me and not you?
Rose: No. No, I'm just saying that I am a good person. Hell, I'm a goody two shoes.
Blanche: AIDS is not a bad person's disease, Rose. It is not God punishing people for their sins.
Rose: You're right, Blanche.

Dorothy: What an idiot! Of all the lamebrained, moronic dopes. I mean, if ever I wanted to reach right through the phone and strangle somebody.
Sophia: Not really a morning person, are you, pussycat?
Dorothy: It's this caterer that I hired for my Save the Wetlands banquet. He's a week late with the menu, now he tells me that he's going to serve wild duck and crayfish. They come from the wetlands. It's like holding a Save the Whales function on a Japanese trawler.

Rose: I haven't been this scared since 1952, when St. Olaf's most active volcano threatened to erupt. Luckily, there were some Druid priests who were in town for the opening of Stonehengeland. They said they could stop it if they could sacrifice the town's dumbest virgin. I don't know why I raised my hand. It must have just been the excitement of the moment. But they said the only way to prevent the eruption was for me to crawl through their legs, up the volcano, while they gave me my birthday whacks. Well - and you're not gonna believe this - it turns out they weren't Druid priests at all. Just a bunch of Shriners looking for a good time.

Dorothy: Ma! Where have you been?
Sophia: I always think it's nice when you're in a hospital to walk around and cheer people up.
Dorothy: Ah. That's nice, Ma.
Sophia: So after I had my prescription filled, I went to up to Geriatrics and sang "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better."
Dorothy: Ma.
Sophia: What a tough crowd. They threw Jell-O at me. If you could call that throwing.

Rose: Well, some people might chuckle, but I think what you're doing is important. I mean, people laughed at me back in St. Olaf when I spearheaded the drive to get our very own missile silo. Oh, sure, some gloomy Gusses muttered about the plutonium thing. But I figured if we could make our sleepy little hamlet into a first-strike target, it would help tourism.

Rose: Oh, God. This waiting is driving me crazy. Blanche, when you were tested, how did you make it through?
Blanche: Just kept it to myself and acted like a real bitch to everybody else.
Rose: No wonder we never knew.

Sophia: Is there an open bar?
Dorothy: You know, Ma, that's part of the problem. Nobody cares. Do you realize what would happen if there were no swamps?
Sophia: New Jersey wouldn't have a state smell.

Blanche: I know I'm not always the first one to volunteer, but I happen to have an affection for bayous. Matter of fact, I became a woman in one.
Sophia: I thought you lost it in a hot-air balloon.
Dorothy: I thought you lost it at a pancake breakfast.
Blanche: Well, those don't count. I mean, they did at the time, but this is the definitive where-I-lost-my-virginity story.
Sophia: It's really nice of you to share something so personal with us, Blanche. In a bayou? You slut.

Dorothy: These three days are killing Rose.
Blanche: What she needs from us are calm heads.
Sophia: Then that's what she'll get. Oh, God. You gave me an R cup!
Dorothy: Ma, will you stop that? [Dorothy swaps cups] Here.
Blanche: Listen, we are the only family Rose has here, so we have to help her through whatever she's going through.
Dorothy: Right.
Sophia: Sure.
Blanche: So, here's to Rose. Whatever happens, whatever those tests show, we're here for her.
Sophia: [Sophia takes the "R" cup back] Dorothy, gimme that.

Rose: Hi, girls.
Blanche: Rose, what were you doing out so early this morning?
Rose: Well, I couldn't sleep so I went for a spin last night. To Alabama. Blanche, do you know at a truck stop in Tuscaloosa they have an egg dish named after you.
Blanche: Really? How are they prepared?
Sophia: Overeasy.