Adam: Principal Ball, you're all riled up about this dumb game, too?
Principal Ball: Hell to the yes! This is the one day of the year we put our Quaker values aside and hope that Germantown's quarterback tears his ACL.
Adam: This is been a healthy give and take.
Principal Ball: No, no, no, no, no. I need you to film the game. Yeah, our AV teacher is going to a wedding in Ann Arbor this weekend, leaving Friday and taking the whole day off.
Adam: Sometimes you need a travel day.
Principal Ball: Don't take his side. He's not even a groomsman.
Adam: Sports aren't really my thing.
Principal Ball: You know, that nice admissions lady from NYU would just hate to hear that one of their wait-listed students passed up a chance to be of service because it wasn't his "thing."
Adam: Since when do you play hardball, Ball?
Principal Ball: Since we haven't beat Germantown since 1924! And, yeah, back then, the game was called "Who's Got the Peanut?" and women weren't allowed in the stands, but this is our year!
Adam: Fine, I'll film the thing.
Principal Ball: Attaboy! Germantown is going down! Hey, chest bump!
Adam: Not again! [Principal Ball chestbumps Adam] Whoa!

Beverly: Jane Bales. [chuckles] I didn't say your name three times while looking in a mirror.
Jane Bales: Beverly. I see you still haven't updated your decor... Or face.
Beverly: Is there something you needed, or do goblins just trick-or-treat year-round?
Jane Bales: As you know, I have a thriving real estate empire, hence the gold jacket, which exudes opulence and success.
Beverly: And doesn't at all make you look like a valet from Atlantic City. [chuckles] I'm not letting you sell my home.
Jane Bales: This moldy box of off-brand furniture? Oh, God, no. I'm the agent for the house next door, and I need you to mow your lawn.
Beverly: Our lawn is fine.
Jane Bales: Fine? I keep thinking Shoeless Joe Jackson's going to come out of it and play baseball.
Beverly: Wait, Arnie Wofsy's moving?
Jane Bales: To Palm Springs. [whispers] Well, Palm Desert. People say it's the same, but it is not.
Beverly: So there's an open house?
Jane Bales: Yes, but steer clear. I don't want any potential buyers to meet the riffraff they share a fence with. You get it. You've seen you. Ta.

Beverly: Murray, Wofsy's moving.
Murray: What the hell's a Wofsy?
Beverly: You know Arnie Wofsy. He's lived next door to us for years.
Murray: That guy's a putz. He's got my rake.
Beverly: Well, you can ask for it back at the open house. It's the last shot I have to quietly judge the inside before someone moves in.
Murray: You mean I gotta get up and walk all the way next door?
Beverly: And put on shoes.
Murray: Oh, it just keeps getting worse. [grumbles]

Beverly: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Murray: Never have before.
Beverly: I want to live here.
Murray: What?
Beverly: This house is incredible. The kids are moving out, but if we live here, they'll want to move back in.
Murray: That doesn't seem like the right reason, but I do love the media room.
Beverly: Love is real!

Beverly: What is happening?
Jane Bales: I'll show you to the lovely, solid mahogany door, which is a real showpiece for the entryway, or in your case, the exit way.
Beverly: It's an open house.
Arnie Wofsy: It's a closed house.
Mr. Glascott: Dang it! This is my air-conditioning time.
Beverly: But why? We haven't spoken to you in years.
Arnie Wofsy: Ask your husband.
Murray: Come to think of it, it might have been me that took his rake.

Principal Ball: [over P.A.] This is it, folks. Six ticks left on the clock. Looks like the Quakers are about to lose another heartbreaker. There's the snap. Walls drops back. And he fumbles! But wait, Corbett, he squirts out of the pile!
Adam: Whoa, look at the veins on Principal Ball's head.
Principal Ball: He laterals back to Spink! He's really getting into it. Spink back to Walls, and... And there's daylight! There's daylight! He... could... go... all... the... way! Touchdown! Touchdown!
Adam: What are we so excited about? Is the band coming back on the field?
Barry: We won! We won! I'm going down there. Maybe a lineman will give me a hip pad as a souvenir!
Adam: Oh, [bleep].

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While I missed the biggest play ever, my dad was taking a swing making nice with the neighbor.
Murray: Hey, Wofsy. Here's your rake. Are we good?
Arnie Wofsy: This isn't my rake. This is a small hand rake. I loaned you a full-size leaf rake.
Murray: A rake's a rake.
Arnie Wofsy: Every autumn, I love gathering all the fallen leaves. I build a big pile, and sometimes, I frolic in it. You took that from me.
Murray: Fine. I'll buy you another rake so you can do your upsetting leaf business.
Arnie Wofsy: Oh, it's not just the rake. Your kids hit a million balls and Frisbees over my fence, and for some reason, three hockey nets.
Murray: You could have tossed them back over.
Arnie Wofsy: I did, and they hit them back, and then they say, "We're playing fence volleyball."
Murray: That's between you and them.
Arnie Wofsy: And what about the avocado tree?
Murray: I love guacamole, okay? Is that a crime?
Arnie Wofsy: No, but dangling your youngest child from a ladder to steal your neighbor's tree treasure is.
Murray: Screw this! Screw you! I need my special hand-rake back.
Arnie Wofsy: Choke on my guac, Goldberg!
Murray: I can't, Wofsy! 'Cause you ran out!

Barry: Then there's only one solution.
Matt: Come clean and...
Barry: We re-create the play on video.
Adam: Yes. That sounds reasonable to me in this moment.
Naked Rob: But we're just four dudes.
Barry: Four dudes with the raw skill and physical perfection of a varsity football team.
Adam: Plus, with my slick editing, no one will know the difference, probably.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] At least that's what I'd hoped, but they knew the difference, and were not afraid to express their opinion. [crowd booing angrily]
Dave Kim: Dude, what did you do?
Adam: A seamless re-creation?
Brea: That's clearly your brother and his idiot friends! One of them's wearing jeans!
Adam: I'll handle this. Relax! Sports don't matter! [crowd boos]

Adam: I'll make a new video of the seniors sharing their joyful William Penn experiences.
Principal Ball: Why should I give you another shot?
Adam: Because, like our football team, you love the story of an underdog coming from behind for a big win.
Principal Ball: But if you don't reinvigorate our student spirit, I'm calling NYU and showing them the pigeon video.
Adam: The stakes are weirdly high.