Beverly: Schmooey, spring break is here. Time to rise and shine.
Adam: Ugh, no, thanks. Between the coffee shakes and the ominous soundtrack of the city, I barely slept.
Beverly: Oh, well, I guess I could take a stroll.
Adam: There you go.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so, my mom began her own big-city adventure. She got coffee.
Beverly: I just bought coffee from a woman named Domino.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] She made friends.
Beverly: How delightful! [jumps rope]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] She explored the local art scene.
Beverly: A one-woman show at a bookstore?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And, of course, she shopped.
Beverly: Yay! The combined headwear of Mary and Rhoda, TV's most modern and independent gals.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] She met the colorful locals.
Randall: Oh, my! You are the most scrumptious mama I've ever seen!
Beverly: I know!
Randall: Such splendid and unnecessary color. [gasps] You know, I don't think I've ever said this to a woman before, but I love you.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, unlike me, my mom couldn't get enough of her downtown adventure. She didn't want it to end.

Adam: There you are! Thank God! Let's go.
Beverly: Yeah, we should go. [gasps] Shoot! What about Erica's dishwasher? [clicks tongue] Shoot.
Adam: She doesn't need a dishwasher! She's got Geoff.
Beverly: No, you know what? You go. Take the car. No sense in both of us waiting around.
Adam: Love your thinking. How full is the gas tank? Doesn't matter. I'm not stopping.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As my mom was discovering she was a downtown girl, Barry and the JTP were preparing to get up onstage in front of a bunch of kids.
Andy: Wow, they are really good.
Matt: And really boys.
Barry: Not to worry. When they see our act, they'll go cryin' home to Mama.
Naked Rob: Because they still live with their parents, because, again, they're boys.

John Calabasas: Ah-ha! There they are, my golden geese.
Barry: 'Cause we're gonna give you a stack of hit records.
John Calabasas: What else could I possibly mean? Are you boys ready to go on?
Naked Rob: He just called us boys.
Matt: I'm pumped!
Andy: I have the right shoes on.
Barry: This is really happening.
Jean Calabasas: I can't let you do this.
John Calabasas: Um, he means that we can't let you do this without a good-luck pat on the head. [chuckles] Ooh, wow. So wet for no reason.
Jean Calabasas: No, my conscience won't allow it.
Barry: I don't get it. Why do you suddenly not believe in us, Jean Calabasas?
Jean Calabasas: Because I never believed in you. I just wanted to open a burger stand in a train car.

Andy: Guys, now that the adrenaline has flushed from my body, I'm realizing I'm about to sing and gyrate in front of a bunch of children.
Matt: What have I been talked into? I see my niece out there!
Naked Rob: Yeah, I'm 100% out.
Barry: Guys, wait!
Matt: No, Bar, I, I can't believe you're gonna let us go out there.
Andy: What am I wearing?
Naked Rob: I can't believe you made us do a photo shoot on the pier. The pier, Barry!
Barry: Okay, I'm sorry. Maybe I was just trying to convince you guys that no matter how old you are or how your bodies feel or what life throws at you, you can do anything, 'cause you're the JTP. You're invincible. I just wish you would see yourselves the way I see you. [walks off]
John Calabasas: That was incredibly moving. No refunds, boys.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While Barry was upset to give up his boy-band dreams, I was ecstatic to be in the comfort of my own home.
Dave Kim: Man, it's good to be back in the loving bosom of the 'burbs.
Adam: But what happened downtown, the things we saw, hell, the things we did... Don't be surprised if society doesn't understand us anymore.
Dave Kim: Is your mom home yet? Someone needs to feed me.
Adam: She should have been here by now. Can we call your mom to feed us?
Dave Kim: She's working at the restaurant feeding someone else's son.
Adam: I'll call my mom and ask if she can get one of her friends to feed us. They live for that kind of thing.
Virginia Kremp: [answers phone] Hello?
Adam: Mrs. Kremp?
Virginia Kremp: Essie, is that you? Where are you with the wine?
Adam: It's Adam Goldberg.
Virginia Kremp: Oh, my God, you sound exactly like Essie. Randall, you gotta hear this!
Adam: [whispers to Dave Kim] There are people at the apartment. [on the phone] Mrs. Kremp, what's going on? Did my mom ask you over so she could tell you how to feed me?
Randall: No, that's gotta be Essie. Essie, darling, where's the wine?
Virginia Kremp: That's what I'm saying. It's not her.

Dave Kim: Dude, you mom is having a bohemian city party.
Adam: My mom embracing the counterculture? She wouldn't let the guy who patched the roof use the bathroom.
Dave Kim: Whatever she's doing, it sounds like that apartment is full of life and new ideas.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] That's when it hit me. [dramatic music plays] She was in trouble.
Adam: Oh, no! Mama!

Adam: Everyone, hands up! Or you have to deal with blue here!
Beverly: Adam?
Adam: Oh, sweet Mama, you're alive!
Randall: So, it's not just on the phone. Has he always sounded like Essie?
Virginia Kremp: I don't know. I didn't hear it till today.

Beverly: Adam, baby, why'd you call the fuzz?
Adam: "Fuzz"? You're even using their lingo now?
Beverly: Who's "they"?
Adam: City folk. How are you thriving here?
Beverly: I don't know. There's a new discovery around every corner.
Adam: Exactly! And I'm terrified of all of it! I mean, I'm supposed to go to NYU next year. How the hell am I gonna survive that?
Beverly: Schmoo...
Adam: I just don't think I can do it. I just don't.