Beverly: Well, it's been three minutes. Why don't I see results?
Virginia Kremp: Because you ask too much of us?
Beverly: [imitates buzzer] Wrong answer, Ginzy! Now move your puckered poopers outta here and come back with a wedding!

Beverly: Well, at least you're working on your best-man speech.
Murray: No, I'm writing a very angry letter to the moron who almost parked in front of our driveway.
Beverly: Dammit, Murray! You only have two responsibilities!
Murray: Our kids?
Beverly: We have three kids. I'm talking about the wedding. You have to write your best-man speech and get chairs.
Murray: Got it. Chicken fingers.
Beverly: Murray!
Murray: Let me give you a little piece of advice... If you want something done right, you do it yourself.

Karen English: Hello, rambunctious children. I am here for the wedding. Am I in the right place?
Adam: Sweet Witches of Eastwick! It's Karen English, one of Philadelphia's more popular radio occultists.
Karen English: You might recognize this side of my face from various vandalized bench ads.
Barry: Tell us, enchantress, what greatness is in store for me?
Karen English: The spirits are telling me... meh.
Barry: Huh?

Karen English: Ooh, but I am registering a negative romantic complication. There is a couple here who will not last the night.
Barry: Someone's getting murdered?
Karen English: No. But there is a romantic relationship in peril.
Erica: Well, it's not mine. My boyfriend is so loving and devoted, even though he just recently chose to move out.
Karen English: I see.
Adam: And Brea and I are solid as a rock... if half the rock was super attractive and the other half was wildly insecure.
Karen English: Hmm.
Barry: Ha-ha! Karen English thinks your love is garbage.
Adam: Well, what about you and your unlikely partnership with Ren?
Barry: I agree. Ren is a ten. But, as you all can see, I'm an eleven. Together, we are blackjack.

Karen English: All I know is that someone is doomed here tonight. A reckoning is coming. I am never wrong. [struggles to open gate latch] Is there a trick with this?
Barry: Yeah, just jiggle the thingy.
Karen English: I am jiggling it.
Barry: Jiggle it harder.
Erica: Yeah, you gotta give the thing... ...a good jiggle.
Karen English: I'm jiggling the thingy!
Erica: Yeah, just a little...
Karen English: I got it.
Erica: Oh.
Karen English: I'm never wrong. I'm never wrong.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] My mom's party crew was crumbling. She knew there was only one yenta who could help her get this wedding back on track.
Beverly: [quietly] I...
Jane Bales: Failed miserably and inevitably had to come to me for help?
Beverly: It's just...
Jane Bales: You couldn't pull off a one-day wedding by yourself and you needed me all along?
Beverly: That's...
Jane Bales: True. And admitting your mistake is the first step in the lengthy apology you owe me. Well, save it. We have a wedding to throw.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] My mom had gotten exactly what she needed to pull off a one-day wedding... another Beverly Goldberg.
Jane Bales: Get me up to speed. Where are we on food?
Beverly: Unfinished.
Jane Bales: Chairs?
Beverly: Tiny.
Jane Bales: Guest list?
Beverly: A real who's-who of nobodies.
Jane Bales: I've worked with less.
Beverly: Yeah, but we still need music, a cake, an officiant, a videographer, and a huge team of hair and makeup for us... and possibly Dolores if there's time.
Jane Bales: So a whole wedding? Done.

Jane Bales: Your daughter's musical, right?
Beverly: Oh, don't bother. My children have already refused to help me.
Jane Bales: That's adorable. [shouts] You! You're in a dumb singing group, right?
Erica: Yeah, but I'm not in the mood...
Jane Bales: I don't care. You're booked.
Erica: I'm only saying yes because I'm afraid.
Jane Bales: Not afraid enough. Scoot. Go. Knees high!
Beverly: [gasps] Holy crap! You were hateful to my child! [quietly] And it was beautiful to watch.
Jane Bales: Hey, hey, hey. Look at me. You can be this horrible, too.

Vic: While I am an ordained deacon, uh, I'd like to sit down with the bride and groom and really get to know them.
Beverly: He's as bald as a misshapen egg, and she doesn't seem to mind. You're all caught up.
Vic: Your angry eyes make me feel like I know them enough.

Adam: Oh, no! A fit, middle-aged lady on my bed. I saw this movie with Barry. Flattered but spoken for.
Jane Bales: Get your head out of the gutter, camera dork.
Adam: I prefer film aficionado.
Jane Bales: You are gonna point your Kodak and chronicle the nuptials of Bill and Dolores.
Adam: I barely know who those people are, and I'm kind of at a crossroads in my own relationship.
Jane Bales: Everything you're saying is ridiculous because you're a child. And what is this room?