Dodd Wembley: My name is Dodd Wembley.
Beverly: I know Dodd Wembley. Dodd Wembley is a friend of mine.You, sir, are no Dodd Wembley.
Dodd Wembley: I literally am. Dodd Wembley.
Beverly: There you go again.
Dodd Wembley: Again? I haven't said anything.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And thanks to my mom, he wouldn't.
Beverly: It's morning in Jenkintown, which means Dodd Wembley is taking his anxiety medication.
Dodd Wembley: That's for one of the dogs I foster.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] She played the sexism card.
Beverly: So a woman couldn't do this job. Is that what you're saying?
Dodd Wembley: I'm just saying I have 10 years of experience.
Beverly: There you go again.
Dodd Wembley: Stop saying that!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And then she played whatever card this is.
Beverly: In conclusion, Dodd Wembley is a drug addict who eats kittens.
Dodd Wembley: No, you can't say that! That is a completely false and damaging statement!
Beverly: Oh, look who hates free speech! God bless America!

Barry: I gave everyone nicknames while you were gone, but don't worry, you got one. You're "No Show."
Geoff: "No Show"?
Barry: I have other options... Jersey Guy, Geoffrey Come Lately, St. Elsewhere, Off Ramp, the White Shadow, Figment, Mysterio, Invisible Man, King Gone, The Misser, The Great Flake, Mr. Missed It.
Geoff: I don't want to be called any of those!
Barry: "No Show" it is!
Geoff: I've missed everything.
Barry: You have! Did you know Neil and Lauren are a couple now?
Geoff: I don't even know who you're talking about.
Barry: Sorry... Woodchip and The Wolf.
Geoff: Okay, if I don't know who they are, then how would I know their nicknames?
Barry: Hey, don't get mad at me, No Show. You're the one who lives off campus.
Geoff: But I didn't choose that.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As No Show missed everything, my mom was doing everything she could to make the perfect campaign ad.
Beverly: Okay. Now dazzle me with a mind so brilliant, I will never make it have a summer job.
Adam: Well, I realized I'm more sci-fi than politics, so I'm thinking a stop-motion re-creation of the Battle of Endor, where you're leading the Alliance...
Beverly: We'll keep that in mind for when the voting age is 7. Next!
Adam: Hurtful. Okay, everyone loves a parody and break dancing. Thus, Breakin' 2: Election Boogaloo.
Beverly: Skip to the ones that don't suck.
Adam: Tough but fair. Okay. You know the fast-talking guy from the Micro Machine commercials?
Man: [on video] This is the Micro Machine Man, presenting the most midget, miniature motorcade of Micro Machines.
Adam: We hire him to list and hopefully hide your lack of qualifications. [talks quickly] Beverly Goldberg has no experience or discernable skills, but you're not understanding a word I'm saying so maybe you'll vote for her anyway.
Beverly: Okay, I'm gonna put this gently... your ideas are crap.
Adam: Not sure you're nailing "gently."

Police Officer: Again, being a police officer is not at all like you see in the movies.
Barry: Totally get that.
[montage:]
Barry: Question. Is there a separate academy for people who want to become Robocops?
Barry: Were you surprised to learn that a Beverly Hills cop was every bit as street savvy as a big-city cop?
Barry: Are you more attracted to Cagney or Lacey? There is a right answer.
Barry: When you're on a motorcycle and you arrest someone, how do you get the bad guy to hold onto you on the ride back to the station?
Barry: Would you say you're more Tango or Cash?
Barry: How come every cop's biggest case happens the week they're about to retire?
Barry: Could a police horse arrest a normal horse?
Barry: Are you undercover 21 Jump Street-ing me? 'Cause if I ask, you gotta tell me!
Police Officer: I'm in my uniform!
Barry: Now say, "Do you feel lucky, punk?"
Police Officer: I really don't.

Geoff: But I'm just not sure how I'm gonna tell my orientation leader that I'm skipping all that stuff. He seemed to think it was really important.
Erica: Geoff, you don't need to listen to some dipwad in a T-shirt and visor.
Barry: [enters] And yet he does! This powerful visor is a badge that allows me to do and say anything I want.
Erica: That's not right.
Ren: That's not even how badges work.
Barry: Thusly, I've been entrusted with overseeing Geoff's transition from dorky civilian...
Geoff: Guilty.
Barry: ...to hard-partying freshman, whose love of beer and lack of ambition become sources of real concern for his community.

Erica: Dude, what do you know about orienting freshmen?
Barry: You may recall my own freshman experience was less than stellar.
Erica: Yeah, you sucked butt academically and socially.
Barry: Silence! Not in front of Ren.
Ren: I know what I'm working with.
Barry: The point is, I want to help others have the fun I missed. And I get a visor. Okay? It's all the best parts of a hat minus the annoying middle!
Erica: I stopped caring.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While Barry was helping Geoff throw himself into freshman life, my mom had fully caught the politics bug.
Adam: What the hell? I was gonna play Frogger 2 down here. It's exactly like the original except the frog can ride a duck.
Beverly: Schmoo, sit your dimpled tushy down and help me corner the youth vote.
Adam: Youths can't vote, so I'll catch you later.
Beverly: Help me or I'll donate your froggie duck game to the synagogue bazaar.
Adam: With Purim on deck? I can't take that risk.
Beverly: Aw, he's in 'cause he wants to be!

Beverly: Okay. Now, where were we?
Virginia Kremp: So, according to the minutes, you said, "I need a thousand 'Beverly for Comptroller' T-shirts," and then Linda inquired, "Won't that be expensive?" and then you shouted, "I don't care what it costs!" And then you called Linda a "sun-baked shoe."
Beverly: I would never say that. I said 2,000.

Murray: What's all this?
Adam: For some reason, Mom's running for city comptroller.
Murray: That's real?
Beverly: I'm excited, too! Oh, remember how I was saying I needed to start a new chapter in my life?
Murray: I vaguely remember dozing off to those words.
Beverly: This is it! I'm in politics now!
Murray: Oh, good for you. Do me a favor. Just keep it down, 'cause I'm having trouble following The Fall Guy.
Beverly: Aah! His enthusiasm is electric!

Beverly: Okay. What should my platform be?
Linda Schwartz: Well, what made you want to seek this office?
Beverly: The leaves in my gutters.
Essie Karp: What does that have to do with being a comptroller?
Beverly: I don't know, timeworn Essie, because I'm not exactly sure what a comptroller does.
Virginia Kremp: Might that possibly be a liability?