Ashley: Daddy, why don't you hear Will out? He might say something you like.
Philip: Well, I guess you're right. My father always said there's no such thing as a bad idea.
Carlton: Yes. But your father never heard about fried-chicken-flavored aspirin. What did you call it again, Will?
Will: Rotisserie-gold-icillin.
Carlton: And let's not forget about his beepers that cough.
Will: Oh, now, wait a minute. That one could've worked. You just never thought it through enough, Uncle Phil. See, now check this out, you're sitting in a movie theater, your beeper go off. Instead of hearing beep, beep, beep, beep, you hear: [coughing and snorting] See? That's a lot less annoying, right?

Carlton: Good Lord, who knows what kind of vermin are in here?
Jazz: How do?
Philip: I don't have time for you, Jazz. I have to meet with the head of the tenants association.
Jazz: Okay. But before I go, this'll make you laugh. Knock, knock.
Philip: Who's there?
Jazz: The head of the tenants association. That's me.
Will: But wait a minute. Jazz, you mean you're the person that's suing my uncle? Man, what were you thinking about?
Jazz: I'm just trying to protect your investment. After you put a couple of million dollars in this place, it'll be worth thousands.

Will: Stop it, Carlton. Now, put it back in the fuse box, please. This is dangerous.
Carlton: Not if you know how to read. Look, it says touch here.
Will: Cool.
Carlton: But wait. There's more. "A town risk." What the heck does that mean? A town risk. [Will screams] Oh, at own risk. Sorry.

Ashley: Oh, Will, there's nothing to worry about. So what, you and Lisa have no place to live.
Carlton: And no money in the bank.
Geoffrey: And a crummy dead-end job. Heh. Oh, wait. That would be me.

Will: Hey, hey. Hey, look. Hey, dude. I'm only gonna say this once. Get off me. I'm only gonna say this twice.
Bailiff: Your Honor, these gentlemen claim to know you. You want me to throw them in the lockup?
Philip: Oh, would you?
Will: Hey, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Oh, all right. Thank you, Kevin.
Will: Get off me, Kevin.
Philip: What do you two want? I'm in the middle of making a very crucial decision here.
Will: Uh, go with the original. Extra crispy is overrated.

Will: Hey, I wasn't doing nothing. Hey.
Geoffrey: Hello, Master William.
Philip: Danish?
Geoffrey: Only on my mother's side.

Philip: Now this is how you put together a presentation. You see how he's organized all the facts and figures here? Some of these figures look pretty good. Mm.
Will: You just like that piechart in there, don't you?
Philip: Ha, ha. Well, you can joke if you want to, but I wouldn't mind taking a big bite out of this pie.
Will: So you mean you like this presentation, Uncle Phil?
Philip: I certainly do. Oh. Hey, I'm sorry, son. It's just that, you know well, this is where Carlton shines.
Will: Oh, yeah. I mean, you know my presentation was nothing compared to this. Oh, get the... Oh, wait a minute. This is my presentation. Look. What that say there?
Philip: "Presented by Will Smith."
Will: Oh, that what it says? You know, it's amazing because just last night you were saying how stupid this was. You know, it must have morphed.
Philip: Yeah, well, see, I really flipped through it rather quickly, you know and-
Will: You backpedal any faster, Uncle Phil, you're gonna moonwalk right through that wall.

Will: Well, thank you guys very much. I feel better now.
Ashley: Don't worry, Will. You and Lisa will be okay.
Carlton: That's right. I believe you'll always be able to make a living. You do own a squeegee, don't you?

Philip: Will, if this is about another one of your investment ideas, forget it. I don't know, they're just a little too... What is the word I'm looking for?
Carlton: Stupid?
Philip: Bingo. [laughs]
Will: Whoa, wait a minute.
Carlton: Dad doesn't need financial advice from you. Why do you think he has me?
Will: I don't know. What, the drugstore was closed that weekend?

Will: All right, all right. Look, is it worth five minutes to hear the investment opportunity of a lifetime?
Philip: No.
Will: I'll take it as a yes. Hit it, Jazz. [reggae music plays]
Will: [in Jamaican accent] Uncle Phil, mon how would you like to live in an island paradise?
Philip: You expect me to buy an island?
Will: Oh, no, mon. I expect you to retire there. Boom! [Jazz sticks Uncle Phil's head on the picture of a man] Oh. Look at this man. The sun from your melon be blinding the little children. Blee-bah-bah! [Jazz sticks a hat on Uncle Phil's head in the picture]
Philip: Get to the point!