Lisa: Ooh, look at all this stuff.
Carlton: Yeah, we believe in being prepared.
Lisa: For what?
Carlton: Hm. Bad weather, snakes, global thermal nuclear war, you know...
Will: I tried to tell Puny the bear this is too much stuff. I mean, come on, why are we taking wood?
Carlton: Hello? Campfire?

Will: Carlton, I'm telling you, man, I'm not carrying all of this stuff. And what do we need this dumb box for?
Carlton: That's not a box, it's a raft. It seats six.
Will: Hm. How many Uncle Phils? Wait, do you expect me to believe there's a raft inside this box?
Carlton: Yes. But whatever you do, don't... pull the cord.
Will: Damn. There was a raft in that box.

Will: Ain't my fault your stupid hurricane lamp got broken.
Carlton: Well, if you hadn't inflated the raft, it wouldn't have fallen over.
Will: Well, I'll pay you for it but the stupid thing can't be worth more than $60.
Carlton: It had a built-in bug zapper. And it cost 80.
Will: Well, I'll give you 60 for it.
Carlton: Eighty.
Will: Sixty.
Carlton: Eighty.
Will: Eighty.
Carlton: Sixty.
Will: You got a deal, Daffy.

Hilary: I wanna make sure he's going to be comfortable.
Nurse: We're doing everything we can for him.
Hilary: Well, those white sheets can get so dingy. Don't you have any nice pastels?
Nurse: That's not our major concern at this point. Excuse me.
Hilary: Well, what about television? He's not gonna just have basic cable, is he?
Nurse: Miss, that is the waiting area. Now, I know this is difficult but why don't you just go over there and wait.

Hilary: I don't understand, I'm just a visitor, why do I need medication? And what is Prozac anyway? I mean, do you think I need this? I feel fine.

Vy: Hi, baby.
Will: Hey. Mom, you ain't have to come all the way out here.
Vy: Stop it, now, I'm just glad that you're okay.
Will: Ahh. Yeah. Just think, I moved out here from Philly because we thought it was too dangerous. [both laugh]

Philip: How are you, son?
Will: Dude, what's up? Hey, don't be looking at me like that. Y'all know ain't no little bullet gonna stop me. However, I will be doing my banking by mail from now on. Knowing my luck, I'll run into a disgruntled postal worker. [all laughing]
Philip: Are you in pain, son?
Will: Well, it ain't as bad as the last time Geoffrey made chili.
Geoffrey: I guess you won't be wanting this, then. [holds up bag]

Carlton: I can't believe you guys think this is some kind of joke. Don't you realize what happened? Will took a bullet for me. He saved my life.
Will: I did? I was just trying to get the hell out the way.
Carlton: Will, stop it, I don't think it's funny.
Will: Carlton, come on, man. We gotta have a sense of humor about this. This kind of stuff happens all the time.
Carlton: That's the problem. It happens all the time.

Will: Mom, Mom, Mom. I'm fine, thank you.
Vy: Okay. I'm just trying to make sure my baby's comfortable.
Will: Well, I'm as comfortable as I can be sitting on a bedpan.
Vy: Well, you want me to?
Will: Hey, don't go peeking at my stuff, Mom.

Lisa: How do you feel, Will?
Will: Well, you know how they say a paper cut is the worst kind of pain? Eh! Eh! Wrong.
Lisa: You don't have to do that.
Will: Do what?
Lisa: Entertain me.
Will: Did you hear the one about the Black dude that got shot at the ATM? And how he was trying to be freaky with his girlfriend in the hospital room?
Lisa: Stop.