Eric: Well, uh... Sir, I was pulling out of this parking space. Well, creeping is more like it. I was creeping-
Red: You were screwing around, backed into a hydrant. I can see the paint marks.
Eric: No! And by "no," I mean "exactly." Yeah, but it wasn't my fault, sir. Kelso was giving me a-
Red: A what?
Eric: Kelso was giving me a purple nurple. It's when you grab somebody's nipple through their shirt and twist it really hard until it becomes purple.
Red: Give me the keys.
Eric: Dad, I-
Red: Your driving privileges are suspended until you learn some responsibility.
Eric: Dad, I'm very responsible.
Red: No. No, you're not. Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.
Eric: See, when you say it, though, it just sounds weird.

Red: Look at this. Here we are sitting down to dinner and Eric's not even home yet.
Kitty: Well, Honey, you took away his car. He has to walk everywhere.
Red: Walking is good for him.
Kitty: Red, why do you have to be so hard on him?
Red: Same reason my old man was hard on me. To prepare me for the world. You know, Kitty, when I was his age I could have parachuted onto a deserted island with nothing but a Swiss army knife, and I would've survived.
Kitty: Well, okay, then we've learned something. No skydiving for Eric.
Red: I'll tell you, Kitty, the world is a tough place. You drop your guard for one second and it'll kick you right in the ass.
Kitty: Well, you're right. Red, the world is hard. So wouldn't it be nice if Eric came home to a place that wasn't?
Red: All right, Kitty, when you win the lottery... you can buy him Disneyland.

Kitty: What are we looking at?
Red: That scratch.
Kitty: What scratch?
Red: The scratch that Eric put in the car. I got most of it out with rubbing compound but you should have seen it before. It was a doozy.
Kitty: Well, that must have been quite an accident. Was he killed?
Red: See, that's where his smart mouth comes from. Driver safety is serious business, Kitty.
Kitty: Well, you're right, Red. We should teach him a lesson. So when he comes home, I'll hold him down and you burn him with a cigarette.