Garrett: [over PA] Attention, shoppers. Is there a doctor in the... Who am I kidding? This is Cloud 9. Anybody here watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy? Maybe Nurse Jackie? Not The Knick.

Dina: Am I looking weak to you?
Garrett: "Hey, Garrett, how was your day?" That's how normal people start a conversation.
Dina: When I was management, I had power. Why did I give that up? We were number one in shrink reduction and last in employee satisfaction. I did that. Now the world just seems dull or something.

Amy: You're not gonna have the baby in the store. You have plenty of time, Chey.
Jonah: And it could be false labor. You know? That's called a Braxton Hicks contraction.
Amy: This baby is not gonna be born in Cloud 9.
Jonah: Maybe it's Braxton Hicks.
Amy: Okay, we get it. You know the term Braxton Hicks. We're all very impressed.

Steve: Morning, everyone. Grab some coffee. Help yourself to a doughnut hole.
Glenn: You see what's going on here, right? Corporate smells trouble, so they send in a shark. A big, swinging wiener. Have him swing his wiener around a little. Give us a slap on the wrist. A little rap on the knuckles from a big, swinging wiener.
Amy: This is gonna be a long day.
Jonah: Yeah.

Dina: [over bullhorn] Attention, please. Listen up. I have something I'd like to say. I know you're scared. This is a big moment. But rest assured Cloud 9 will be fine without you.
Amy: Come on.
Dina: Anyway, I've demagnetized your keycards, and you will receive your final paychecks in the mail with the costs of your vests deducted from them. Nothing personal. I wish you all luck, but I've got a store to manage. Thank you. This really cheered me up. Oh, and have a heavenly day.

Jonah: Okay, that's good. If the contractions are longer, that means you're in... it's called active labor, so I guess you're in active labor. I'm gonna go get some stuff.

Dina: Okay, look. I took part in a cow birth once. The calf died, but I learned what not to do.

Glenn: Cheyenne, I want you to wait until you have an uncontrollable urge to push, okay? And then, you're gonna bear down with all your strength for ten seconds at a time, okay?
Amy: I can't believe you know how to handle this.
Glenn: Well, I played the abortion doctor in a hell house once.
Amy: Oh, cool.

Sandra: [faintly] If it helps, I'm a trained midwife. [nobody responds]

Glenn: Yeah, this is it, guys. It's coming. This is the moment.
Cheyenne: Oh, um... The contractions stopped.
Jonah: Oh. That's, um... huh. Braxton Hicks, I guess. It's false labor.
Cheyenne: I guess it should put on my pants now.