Dina: Today is a high-alert day. I can't stress enough the importance of being vigilant and cautious in light of the serious threats we'll be facing.
Glenn: [dressed as a hot dog] Dina's right. So everybody keep an eye out for anything out of the ordinary. Okay? Good.
Dina: Let's watch out for people buying toilet paper, eggs, shaving cream, ketchup, your squeezables, your squirtables... everything is a weapon today, okay?
Garrett: What about guns?
Dina: Those are fine.

Dina: Ma'am, you realize that candy from strangers can contain razor blades and heroin needles, right?
Woman: I'm sorry?
Glenn: Dina, again, I did not put heroin needles in the candy.
Dina: I'm not saying you did. I'm just saying, best-case scenario: Free chocolate bar. Worst-case scenario: Trainspotting.
Woman: Okay. Thanks anyway.
Dina: That's what I thought.

Amy: So, who took it? [silence] Come on, guys. No one's perfect. I used to shoplift from the mall all the time. Mostly black lipstick. I was going through a phase. But we all do things we regret.
Jonah: So... I'm not even a member of the Sierra Club. I just put the sticker on my bumper.
Janet: I don't pay taxes.
Cheyenne: I catfished my school nurse, and she ended up moving to Australia to meet a picture of Michael Fassbender when he was young.
Amy: Okay, does anybody want to confess to taking the fruit?
Garrett: I have some questions about what Cheyenne said.
Amy: Fine. Forget it.
Cheyenne: She works at a smoothie stand on the beach now. I think she's happy.

Jonah: Did I steal the fruit? No. Was it an act of civil disobedience that I admire? Yes. Do I know who stole it? No.
Dina: Stop interrogating yourself.

Jonah: Do I like fruit? Yes. What's my favorite fruit? Tropical. Be more specific. Mango.

Jonah: Incidentally, I'm... I'm Brexit. How has nobody asked me about that all day?

Dina: Ooh, peer pressure from a group of people I don't respect. Now, that's scary. I mean, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Sandra's the only other grown-up here.
Sandra: Actually, I am dressed up. I'm you.
Dina: What?
Sandra: "Shut up, Sandra."
Dina: Shut up, Sandra! [laughter]

Garrett: [over PA] Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers, I vant to suck your blood and test it for diabetes. At-home insulin kits are now half off. Are you looking for spook-tacular savings? Because Cloud 9 has it all. You can get, um, the... Uh... [sees Dina walking towards him] Attention, shoppers, I vant to suck your blood. Oh, I did that one.

Dina: Incidentally, that costume is ridiculous. Professor X doesn't drink martinis.
Garrett: [British accent] Yes, but James Bond does.
Dina: Ugh.

Dina: [dressed as a slutty cop] So let's keep an eye out for teens, tweens, people who look inappropriately large or small... Are you guys even listening to me? [snaps fingers] Hello? [indistinct murmurs]