Morty Seinfeld: Another fine meal. And now for my Wizard tip calculator.
Jerry: Dad, it's got lots of other functions.
Morty Seinfeld: Don't worry. I'll get to the other functions. I can't get it open.
Helen Seinfeld: Yay, Jerry got it open.
Morty Seinfeld: The service was slow, and God forbid they should refill the water. How does 12.4 percent sound?
Jerry: Well, your tip is $4 and 36.6666 cents.
Morty Seinfeld: We'll round down.

Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here on your father's birthday. You've helped take his mind off the condo election.
Jerry: Right. You can't run for condo president because you were impeached at the other condo.
Morty Seinfeld: I was never impeached. I resigned.
Helen Seinfeld: Even so, the press would bury him.
Jerry: What press?
Helen Seinfeld: The condo newsletter. The Boca Breeze.
Morty Seinfeld: Pinko commie rag.

Elaine: Is he black?
Jerry: Does it matter?
Elaine: No, of course not. I mean, I'd just like to know.
Jerry: So you need to know?
Elaine: No, I don't need to know. I just think it would be nice if I knew.
African-American Waitress: Shall I take that?
Jerry: One sec.
Elaine: Oh, here.
George: Oh, yeah, hang on.
[Jerry, Elaine and George reach into the pockets and add a very generous tip]

Morty Seinfeld: Ooh, it's a radar detector.
Jerry: Radar detector. I've never seen you go over 20 miles an hour. You're like the grand marshal of the Rose Bowl parade. It's a Wizard organizer.
Morty Seinfeld: This looks like too much money.
Jerry: No, I got it from a guy on the street. It was like 50 bucks.
Morty Seinfeld: You think it's hot?
Jerry: Could be.
Morty Seinfeld: Attaboy. Helen, Jerry got me a hot Wizard computer.
Helen Seinfeld: I'm right here.

Jerry: You can do everything with it. You can get e-mail, fax, there's a calculator.
Morty Seinfeld: So I can use it to figure out the tip?
Jerry: Yeah, I guess. But the really cool thing is the daily planner.
Morty Seinfeld: Helen, we can go to the restaurant to figure out the tips.
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, you're getting your father too excited.

Kramer: Hey, buddy. When did you get in?
Jerry: Kramer, what are you doing here?
Kramer: I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door.
Helen Seinfeld: Mr. Cornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment.
Kramer: Yeah, your folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.
Jerry: Kramer, you can't live down here. This is where people come to die. [to his parents] Not you. Older people.

Helen Seinfeld: [slaps Kramer's hand] Don't eat cookies for breakfast. I'll fix you something. How about a feta cheese omelet?
Kramer: That sounds great, Mom.
Jerry: You feed him he'll never leave.
Helen Seinfeld: I don't have any feta. How about cottage cheese and egg beaters?
Kramer: I guess.
Jerry: I don't believe this.
Kramer: I know, I know. [jittery] Don't I look more relaxed?

Elaine: Oh, Mrs. Ross. Mr. Ross.
Mrs. Ross: Oh, you're George's friend.
Mr. Ross: We saw him in the city this weekend. What happened to his place in the Hamptons?
Elaine: The Hamptons? [laughs] George Costanza? [laughs] I don't think so. Have a good one. [laughs]

Darryl: Elaine, thank you for the Wizard. Wow, it's got so many functions.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, forget about all that. First thing is first, warranty information. Name. We know that. Hobbies. Skiing, racquetball...
Darryl: Well, I don't do that stuff.
Elaine: It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Oh, Here's one. Race.
Darryl: Isn't that optional?
Elaine: It certainly should be. It's nobody's damn business. But they really would like to know.
Darryl: All right. I'm Asian.
Elaine: What?
Darryl: Just to mess with them. [chuckles]
Elaine: Right. Good one.
Darryl: Average income. Over a hundred thousand.
Elaine: Really?
Darryl: So does that matter?
Elaine: No. But it's very nice to know.

Elaine: [on the phone] So Kramer's running for president of the condo?
Jerry: Yeah. It's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.
Elaine: Who are they running against?
Jerry: Common sense, and a guy in a wheelchair.