Jerry Quote #639
[stand-up:]
Jerry: I am for open immigration, but that sign we have on the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...". Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's open, we'll take whoever you got."? Do we have to specify the "wretched refuse"? I mean, why don't we just say, "Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, if they have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they're clogged, if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving... In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over, we want 'em."
Seinfeld Quotes
‘The Visa’ Quotes
Quote from Jerry
Elaine: Look, I was nice enough to pick it up for you
Jerry: Hey, I've been back four days. I want my mail.
Elaine: It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail anyway.
Jerry: Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines and junk mail, there is no mail.
Quote from George
Cheryl: What kind of a friend are you?
George: You see, I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed? That's disturbed. You can't find sickness like that anywhere. You think sickness like that grows on trees? Nobody is sicker than me. Nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine article.
Cheryl: So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing was an act?
George: Yes! And I put him up to it, because I'm sick! I'm the one that needs help.
Cheryl: I gotta go.
George: Well, should I call you later?
Cheryl: Please don't.
George: But- But I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!
Quote from Jerry
[stand-up:]
Jerry: What are lawyers, really? To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has read the inside of the top of the box. I think one of the fun things for them is to say, "objection." "Objection! Objection, your Honor." Objection, of course, is the adult version of, "afraid not." To which the judge can say two things, he can say, "overruled" which is the adult version of "afraid so," or he could say, "sustained," which is the adult version of "Duh."