Jerry: Hey, is that Babu? It is! Hey, Babu!
Babu: Jerry!
Jerry: Look at you, you got the job.
Babu: Yes. Yes, they give me job thanks to you.
Jerry: Oh, I didn't do anything.
Babu: Yes, you do everything. Get me job, you get me a place to live in your building.
Jerry: Come on.
Babu: You very, very good man. You do everything for me. My family and I can never thank you enough for everything you do.

Jerry: Remember Babu Bhatt?
George: Who's he?
Jerry: Remember that guy who opened the restaurant across the street from the building last year, and he wasn't doing so well, and I told him he should make it into all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business?

Jerry: [to Elaine] Can you bring my mail then?
George: What mail?
Elaine: I picked up his mail while he was on the road.
George: Why didn't Kramer pick it up?
Jerry: 'cause he's at that baseball fantasy camp in Florida.
George: Oh yeah, right. When's he coming back?
Jerry: Monday, I think.
George: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. That's a fantasy camp.

George: [sips wine] Excellent. Like I really know what I'm talking about.
Cheryl: [laughs]
George: Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast, I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast.

Jerry: I mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares?
Elaine: He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show, go see the other show.
Jerry: Well, should we leave?
George: Maybe you don't have to be so funny. I mean, would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks I'm very funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.

George: What do you need her for? There's a million lawyers.
Jerry: Yeah, but you said this is one of the things that her firm does.
George: All right, all right. But no funny business. Same deal as last night.
Jerry: Ah, will you stop it already?
George: Jerry, please?
Jerry: How long is this gonna go on?
George: Till I'm comfortable.
Jerry: Well, when is that gonna be?
George: After consummation.
Jerry: Consummation? I don't think you have enough material.

Cheryl: I actually have a friend in the Immigration Department who owes me a big favor. You're very lucky.
Jerry: [somber] That's wonderful news. Thank you.
Cheryl: You're a very serious person, aren't you?
Jerry: Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't seem like it would be fair to be cheerful. [squats a fly with a newspaper]
Cheryl: I understand. [Jerry reaches for the milk] I think that's curdled.
Jerry: I don't care.
Cheryl: Do you ever laugh?
Jerry: Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the tub.
Cheryl: That's so sad. What do you do?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.

Babu: The problem is I never got my visa renewal form in the mail. I was expecting it.
Jerry: Yes. Well, see, here's the thing, Babu. Um, what happened was I was away for a couple of weeks doing some comedy shows.
Babu: Comedy shows! You're a very funny man.
Jerry: And, well, Elaine here was picking up my mail while I was away, because you know that little box can get very full.
Babu: Oh, yes. Yes, of course. TV Guide, magazines, everything. You know, I would have picked up your mail, your box is right next to mine.
Jerry: Oh, I don't want to bother you.
Babu: No bother! You get me job, you get me apartment. You very very good man.

George: Jerry?
Cheryl: I'm very attracted to him.
George: You think the person you were talking to is him? That's not even close to him. He's funny, Jerry's funny.
Cheryl: He never said anything funny.
George: He can't not be funny.
Cheryl: No, no, no. He's dark. And disturbed.
George: Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal.

Kramer: Well, I just came back from Mickey Mantle's restaurant.
Jerry: How could you go in there?
Kramer: Well, I had to. I had to apologize. I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle, my idol. It was eating me up inside!
Jerry: Well, what happened?
Kramer: I got down in my knees and went, "Go ahead, Mickey. Hit me. I'm begging you, Mickey, please hit me. C'mon, hit me. I love you, Mickey, I love you!"
Elaine: So, what did he do?
Kramer: Well, the four of them, they picked me up by my pants and they threw me outside, right into a horse.