Jerry: Nice shotgun.
Police Officer: Thanks.
Jerry: Clean as a whistle.
George: You could eat of that shotgun.
Jerry: What is that, a 12 gauge?
Police Officer: Yeah.
Jerry: 12 gauge. Seems to be the most popular gauge.
George: My favorite.
Jerry: Mine too, love the 12 gauge.
George: Makes the 11 gauge look like a cap pistol.

Keith Morrison: [on newscast] Authorities exposed today, that the latest suspect in the smog strangling was apprehended this week on an unrelated charge, but somehow managed to escape from the police car, in which he was being held. Tobias Lehigh Nagy, who is also wanted in connection with a series of unrelated slayings in the North West is still at large, his whereabouts unknown. He's described as 5'5", bald, and reputedly a very generous tipper.

George: He's on the lamb. He's on the loose!
Jerry: Would you let go of my arm? I'm trying to drive, you're getting us both killed!
George: What are we supposed to do? What do you do on a situation like this? Should we call a lawyer? Should we call the police?
Jerry: Obviously we're gonna call the police and tell that he's not the guy.
George: Hope he's not the guy.
Jerry: Couldn't be the guy. Nah.

Jerry: I don't have any change. You've got any change?
George: No, I don't have any change. I never carry change.
Jerry: Well, we need change and all I have is twenties.
George: I have a ten.
Jerry: So, break it.
George: I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.
Jerry: So, buy something.
George: What?
Jerry: I don't know. Some mints or TicTacs.
George: Breath problem?
Jerry: No, I just want some change.
George: Tell me.
Jerry: Your breath is fine. It's delightful, it's delicious.
George: You know, I haven't eaten anything.

Jerry: I just wanna call the police!
George: Why don't you just call 911?
Jerry: But is this an emergency?
George: Of course it is.
Jerry: How is this an emergency?
George: Your friend is been accused of being a serial killer. I think that qualifies.

Jerry: [on the phone] Yes, I have some very important information regarding the smog strangler. [George leans close] Get yourself a mint or something. Can I come right now? I suppose, where are you located? Where is that? I don't know where we are. Where are we?
George: I don't know.
Jerry: We don't know. He says ask somebody. Ask that guy.
George: Excuse me, where are we?
Man: Earth.
Jerry: Hey, you know I'm on the phone with the police! Some guy just gave me a wise answer. Ask that woman.
George: Excuse me. Miss, which street are we on?
Woman: I don't know.
George: You don't know?
Woman: I don't know.
George: How come you don't know what street are you on?
Woman: You don't know.

Jerry: George, it says it here on the phone. [on the phone] It's 12145 Ventura Boulevard. Aha, okay. Do we know where the 101 is? [George shakes his head] No. Do we know where 170 is? [George shakes his head] No. Do we know where 134 is? [George gives Jerry a blank stare] No. Aha, okay. [Jerry hangs up] He's gonna send a black and white to pick us up.
[A police car pulls up on the road by Jerry and George]
George: Black and white?
Jerry: A cop car.
George: Why didn't you just say that?
Jerry: I thought it sounded kind of cool.
George: Oh yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy.
Jerry: Oh, you are? I guarantee you, Lupe is going to tuck your covers in.
George: I'll bet you, how much?
Jerry: Her tip.
George: You've got a bet.
Jerry: Okay.
George: How much do you tip a chamber maid?
Police Officer: Which one of you is Costanza?
[Jerry and George point at each other]
Police Officer: Get in.
George: Hi, how are you guys? Listen, does either one of you have like a mint or piece of gum or...

Jerry: You guys gonna go through some red lights?
Police Officer: don't think so.
Jerry: But you could?
Police Officer: Oh yeah, of course we could. We can do anything we want.
Police Officer #2: We could drive on the wrong side of the road.
Police Officer: Yeah, we do that all the time. You should see the looks on people's faces.
Police Officer #2: Shoot people...
George: You guys ever shot anybody?
Both: No. [sigh]

George: There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there.
Jerry: Which flavor?
George: Milano.
Jerry: Cops eating Milanos. What crazy town is this?
George: Should I take some?
Jerry: I think that's a 5-19.

George: What do you tip a chamber maid.
Man: I don't know, five bucks a night.
Jerry: No, a dollar, two tops.
Man: Hey, you guys aren't cuffed. What are you, narks?
George: Narks?
Jerry: Imagine, us narks?
George: No, no, no. You know, actually we are friends of a serial killer.
Man: Really? Well, that's very nice.
George: Oh, thank you.
Jerry: Suspected serial killer. He didn't actually do it.
George: Yeah. Well, we don't think.
Jerry: We're pretty sure.