[stand-up:]
Jerry: There are many different job in the police. It seems to me, that the chalk outline guy is one of the better jobs that you can get. You know, it's not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. That seems like a good one. I don't know who they are, I guess they're people who wanted to be a sketch artists, but they couldn't draw too well. "Listen, Johnson, forget the sketches. Do you think if we left a dead body right there on the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?" I don't even know how that helps them to solve the crime? You know, they look at the thing on the ground. "Ah, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement. That means the killer must've been Jim."

George: Do you think she gets to take any of those little bars of soap home?
Jerry: No, I don't.
George: You would think that at the end of the week when they hand out the checks, throw in a few soaps.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe they should throw in a couple of lamps too.
George: I'll tell you something, if I owned a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up on the walls and in their home, like Lenin.
Jerry: How much did you wound up tipping her?
George: Oh, my God, I forgot!
Jerry: That's why communism didn't work.

George: God, I'm starved, I'm weak with hunger.
Jerry: How can you think of food at the time like this?
George: A time like what? I'm hungry. My stomach doesn't know that Kramer's wanted.
Jerry: I told you to have breakfast. You should've had breakfast!
George: I couldn't have breakfast, it was lunchtime! The three hour time difference threw me. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich. They wouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich because they were only serving breakfast.
Jerry: You should've had some eggs.
George: For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch?
Jerry: Have you ever heard of egg salad?
George: Why didn't you say something then?
Jerry: I've gotta to tell you about existence of egg salad?
George: I need food, Jerry. I feel faint, I'm getting light headed.