‘The Stake Out’
Season 1, Episode 2 - Aired May 31, 1990
When Elaine takes Jerry to a party and he meets a woman, he's uncomfortable asking Elaine for the woman's phone number.
Quote from Elaine
Elaine: You know, this would be a really funny gift for Pamela's birthday.
Jerry: Pamela? Do I know her?
Elaine: Yeah, you met her when we were going out.
Jerry: Oh yeah, right...
Elaine: You have no idea who I'm talking about, do you?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Blonde hair, remember? Glasses? ... Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?
Quote from Jerry
Jerry: You know, my parents are coming in for this.
Elaine: They're coming in?
Jerry: Yeah, tomorrow.
Elaine: Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?
Jerry: No, no. Still doing the big sweep across.
Elaine: Why does he do that?
Jerry: Doesn't think anyone can tell.
Quote from Jerry
Pamela: Hi.
Elaine: Hi, Pamela, you remember Jerry.
Pamela: Yes, we met.
Jerry: Hi, happy birthday.
Pamela: Ahh, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry.
All: Hi.
Jerry: I didn't bring anything.
Pamela: I'll put you two right here.
Jerry: Oh, okay. [to the more smartly-dressed people] I'm sorry. I didn't know. Nobody's told me anything about this.
Quote from Elaine
Elaine: Oh, Jerry!
Jerry: [inner monologue] Oh no, not now...
Elaine: I had this dream last night and you were in it.
Jerry: Oh, really? [inner monologue] Oh God, I gotta get out of this.
Elaine: You were you, but, you weren't you...
Jerry: No kidding. [inner monologue] Why is this happening? Please, make her stop!
Elaine: I think... I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were standing there, you were looking out the window.
Jerry: [inner monologue] This is brutal.
Elaine: You turned around and you had these wooden teeth.
Jerry: How do you like that... [inner monologue] Can I turn now? Is this over? No, I can't, I can't... I'm stuck...
Elaine: Jerry, are you listening to me?
Jerry: Yes, I heard you.
Quote from Jerry
Jerry: So, you're a lawyer...
Vanessa: Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.
Jerry: [inner monologue] Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff. Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff... [out loud] Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit!
Vanessa: Oh, that was you!
Jerry: Imagine, spelling "Mom" with two O's...
Vanessa: Very funny! What do you do?
Jerry: Comedian.
Vanessa: Really? That explains it...
Jerry: [inner monologue] Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff. Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.
Roger: Are you ready?
Vanessa: We gotta run. Happy birthday.
Jerry: [inner monologue] I can't believe it. I got nothing! I don't even know her name! Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff. Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag...
Quote from Elaine
Jerry: That wasn't so bad, really.
Elaine: You know, uh, you could use a little work on your manners.
Jerry: Why? What did I do?
Elaine: Well, I just don't appreciate these little "courtesy responses", like I'm selling you aluminum siding.
Jerry: I was listening!
Elaine: No! You couldn't wait to get back to your little... "conversation".
Jerry: No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had.
Elaine: Uh-huh...
Jerry: Where you had, uh, wooden teeth.
Elaine: No! No! You had wooden teeth! You had wooden teeth! I didn't have wooden teeth, you did!
Quote from Jerry
Jerry: This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed!
Helen Seinfeld: Y'know, Jerry, we don't have to do this...
Jerry: What are you talking about? It's fine, I love having you here.
Helen Seinfeld: Tomorrow we'll go to a hotel.
Jerry: Ma, will you stop?
Helen Seinfeld: No, why should we take over your apartment?
Jerry: I don't care. I'm sleeping next door.
Helen Seinfeld: Your friend Kramer doesn't mind?
Jerry: No, he's making a bouillabaisse.
Quote from Jerry
Jerry: So Dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at these big law offices?
Morty Seinfeld: Depends on the firm.
Jerry: Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they would know who it was?
Morty Seinfeld: What's the matter? You need a lawyer?
Jerry: No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I don't know her name.
Helen Seinfeld: So why don't you ask someone who was at the party?
Jerry: Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I can't ask her.
Morty Seinfeld: Why not?
Jerry: Because it's complicated. There's some tension there.
Helen Seinfeld: He used to go with her...
Morty Seinfeld: Which one is she?
Helen Seinfeld: From Maryland. The one who brought you the chocolate covered cherries you didn't like.
Morty Seinfeld: Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person.
Jerry: Oh yeah, she's great.
Quote from Jerry
Helen Seinfeld: So, how come nothing materialized there?
Jerry: Well, it's a tough thing to talk about... I dunno...
Helen Seinfeld: I know what it was.
Jerry: You don't know what it was.
Helen Seinfeld: So, what was it?
Jerry: Well, we fight a lot for some reason...
Both: Oh, well...
Jerry: And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry...
[Jerry's parents are silent]
Quote from Morty Seinfeld
Helen Seinfeld: You know, you can't be so particular. Nobody's perfect.
Jerry: I know, I know...
Morty Seinfeld: You know Jerry, it's a good thing I wasn't so particular.
Helen: Idiot. [to Jerry] So who are you looking for, Sophia Loren?
Jerry: That's got nothing to do with it.
Morty Seinfeld: How about Loni Anderson?
Helen Seinfeld: Where do you get Loni Anderson?
Morty Seinfeld: Why, what's wrong with Loni Anderson?
Helen Seinfeld: I like Elaine more than Loni Anderson...