Elaine: [to two young women] Excuse me, I can't seem to find my car do you think you could drive me... [they laugh] Oh, that's funny? Is that funny? Hey, well, tell me if you think this is funny: These fish are dying! They're gasping for oxygen right now! In an hour, they'll be belly up.

Elaine: Excuse me. [the man ignores her] Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly sorry. But the fish will be dead. You do know that. They can't live in plastic. That's not me talking, that's science.

Jerry: It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. How does my bladder know I'm in a department store?

George: Unbelievable. I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story.

Elaine: And now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking for the car. Five minutes, that's all. I just want to find him.
Man: I can't do it.
Elaine: But why? Why can't you do it?
Man: I can't.
Elaine: No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.
Man: That's right.
Elaine: But why? Why don't you want to?
Man: I don't know.
Elaine: But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?
Man: No, I wouldn't.

Kramer: I mean, the guy had a fat fetish. The inspector never dated a woman under 250 pounds.
George: [uninterested] Really?
Kramer: What does he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up and down on it? Does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski?
George: Who's Killer Kowalski?
Kramer: Oh, he was a wrestler. He would grab hold of someone's stomach and just squeeze it until they gave.
George: Hey, hey, hey. I've gotta go to the bathroom.
Kramer: So why don't you just go?
George: What, here?
Kramer: [chuckles] You and Jerry.

George: Don't you believe me? It's their 47th anniversary. You know this is gonna kill him. You're aware of that? Kill them. On the biggest night of their life.
Security Guard: Your folks have an anniversary today too?
[As George looks around the room, Jerry waves to him]
Security Guard: Was your father also in a Red Chinese prison?
George: Red Chinese prison?

Jerry: Well, what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken. You know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at Szechwan Gardens?
George: Sure, I have it all the time. Very spicy.
Jerry: Well, apparently General Chang was a very flamboyant man. A complete failure as a general, but a helluva cook.

George: Look at this. Look at this. He doesn't have enough with the Mercedes, he has to have two spaces. I tell you, I would like to spit on it.
Jerry: I would like to see that.
George: Should I? Should I do that?
Jerry: Teach him a lesson he'll never forget.
George: Well, who does he think he is?
Jerry: Someone's gotta stop him.
George: It's against the law.
Jerry: Well, it certainly should be.
George: Okay. [As walks by the car, the owner returns and unlocks the vehicle] This is some machine. Leave it to the Germans. Let me ask you something. What do they get for a tune-up on this? [The man drives away]

Elaine: Where have you been?
Jerry: I was arrested for urinating.
George: Me too.
Elaine: You what?
Jerry: I have "uromysitisis". It's very serious, you know.