[stand-up:]
Jerry: I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time? I don't understand this. When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in, we're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here." "Is it suede?" "I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!"

Elaine: Hey, don't forget Sunday, okay? You and George are coming, right? Hotel Westbury, eight o' clock.
Jerry: I guess I'm coming... I mean...
Elaine: What? What, you don't want to go now?
Jerry: No, I'll go. I'm going.
Elaine: No, Jerry, you have to. I need a buffer. You know, I haven't seen my father in a while and... you know.
Jerry: I'm worried I won't be able to talk to him. He's such a great writer. Frankly, I prefer the company of nitwits.
Elaine: So, that's why we're not together anymore.

Jerry: What is this? This is beautiful, but these jackets never fit me right.
Elaine: Try it on. [feels it] Wow, this is soft suede.
Jerry: This may be the most perfect jacket I have ever put on. How much is it?
Elaine: Oh, my God.
Jerry: Bad? Very bad?
Elaine: You have no idea.
Jerry: I have some idea.
Elaine: No idea.
Jerry: I've got a ballpark.
Elaine: There is no park and the team has relocated.

Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Hey. New jacket?
Jerry: What do you think?
Kramer: It's beautiful.
Jerry: Is it me?
Kramer: That's definitely you.
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: That's more you than you've ever been.

Kramer: What is with the pink lining?
Jerry: I don't know. It's got a pink lining.
Kramer: Oh.. So, what did you pay for this?
Jerry: I paid what it costs.
Kramer: How much?
Jerry: What's the difference?
Kramer: What, you're not gonna tell me?
Jerry: I'd rather not say it out loud. It's embarrassing.
Kramer: Over three hundred?
Jerry: Yes, but let's just stop it right there.
Kramer: It's over four hundred?
Jerry: Really, I'm not answering anymore.
Kramer: Is it over four hundred?
Jerry: Would you?
Kramer: [finds the tag] Whoa, Nelson!
Jerry: I know, I know.

Jerry: You don't know Robert Schumann? The composer?
George: Oh, Schumann. Of course.
Jerry: He went crazy from one note. He couldn't get it out of his head. I think it was an A. He kept repeating it over and over again. He had to be institutionalized.
George: Really? Well, what if it doesn't stop? Oh, that I really needed to hear. That helps a lot! All right, just say something. Just start talking. Change the subject.

George: Let's just go, all right? I can't believe we're having dinner with Alton Benes.
Jerry: I know exactly what's going to happen tonight. I'm gonna try and act like I'm not impressed, he's gonna see right through it.
George: Yeah, he'll be looking at us like he's backstage at a puppet show.

George: This is huge! When did this happen?
Jerry: Wednesday. This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet an social challenge.
George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this whit an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
Jerry: Absolutely.
George: It's fabulous.
Jerry: I know.

Kramer: Hey. Hey, would you do me a solid?
Jerry: Well, what kind of solid?
Kramer: I need you to sit in the car for two minutes while it's double-parked. I gotta pick up some birds.
Jerry: Birds?
Kramer: Yeah. A friend of mine, he's a magician. He's going away on vacation. He asked me to take care of his doves.
Jerry: So take a cab.
Kramer: They won't take a cage full of birds.
Jerry: I can't. I'm on my way out. There's no way I can do it.
Kramer: George, do me a solid? Two minutes.
George: Well, I'm going with him. I'd like to, I've never done a solid before.
Kramer: All right. Yeah, all right, have a good one.

George: [sings] "Master of the House. Quick to catch your eye, never wants a passerby to pass him by."
Jerry: [nudges George] Schumann.