[stand-up:]
Jerry: I find the human fascination with water is amazing. We're constantly going to beaches, pools, lakes, rivers. We're swimming, we're snorkeling, we're scuba-diving. We bathe in it. Our bodies are mostly made of water. Everyone's carrying around these bottles of water. It's like we can't get enough water. Unless it rains, then we're like, "Oh, look. I'm soaked. I am literally drenched." For some reason, we have a huge problem with small, flying water. It'll just stop us right in our tracks. "I felt a drop. We're gonna get caught in it! Everyone cover your water bottles. Run!"

Rachel: Strange man.
Jerry: Wait'll you get to know him.
Rachel: So where is this baby, anyway?
Jerry: Oh, check it out. I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left.
[Rachel walks in on George as he's changing his swim suit]
Rachel: Oh, my God! I'm sorry, I thought this was the baby's room. [chuckles] I'm really sorry.
George: I was in the pool! I was in the pool!

George: What if she discusses it with Jane?
Jerry: Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.
George: How do you know?
Jerry: Women aren't like us.
George: They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?
Jerry: No, I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage. Besides, I think women know about shrinkage.
George: How do women know about shrinkage?
Jerry: Isn't it common knowledge?

George: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean, like laundry?
George: No.
Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming, afterwards...
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

George: Did she do it on purpose?
Jerry: It was my fault. I told her the wrong door.
George: I was supposed to see her. She wasn't supposed to see me.
Jerry: So what?
George: Well, ordinarily I wouldn't mind. But...
Jerry: But...
George: Well, I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold...
Jerry: Oh. You mean shrinkage.
George: Yes. Significant shrinkage!
Jerry: So you feel you were short changed.
George: Yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.

George: You're going back to New York now?
Jane: Yeah, I have some things to do.
George: Uh huh. Uh huh. I think you spoke to your little friend Rachel, that's what I think.
Jane: So what if I did?
George: And she didn't say something to you about a certain something?
Jane: I don't know what you're talking about.
George: I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when in fact it is is all that it should be, and more!
Jane: I'm sure it is.
George: Look, you don't understand. There was shrinkage.

George: I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love.
Jane: Me too. I love cough medicine.
George: You see? We were made for each other. [inner monologue] It's amazing. If I reach out and touch her breast right not, she'd scream and throw me out of the car. But at this time tomorrow, I could touch it all I want.
Jane: What's your favorite?
George: Pertussin. Ever try it with club soda?
Jane: No.
George: Oh, very refreshing. [inner monologue] Sex is like joining a private club. I'll be the same me tomorrow, but suddenly, the no trespassing sign will be gone.

Jerry: Oh, this is interesting.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Jane's topless.
Kramer: Yo-yo ma.
Jerry: Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
Elaine: Nice rack.

Jerry: And then there's Maude.
Elaine: Look at my face. Look at it. You see any lines?
Jerry: No lines.
Elaine: You know why? One word: shade.

Jerry: Is it me or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?
Elaine: Uh, I couldn't look. It was like a Pekingese.
Jerry: Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool. And, you know, the thing is, they'll never know. No one's ever gonna tell them.
Elaine: Oh, you have to lie.
Jerry: It's a must lie situation.
Elaine: Yes, it's a must lie situation.