Joel: Do you think I need a haircut?
Waitress: Are you ready?
Jerry: Yeah, I'll have the egg salad on whole wheat.
Joel: Let me ask you a question. This, uh, this turkey sandwich here, is that real turkey, or is it a turkey roll? I don't want that processed turkey. I hate it.
Waitress: I think it's real turkey.
Joel: Is there a real bird in the back?
Waitress: No, there's not bird but-
Joel: Well, how do you know for sure? Look, why don't you do me a favor. Why don't you go in the back and find out, okay? [walks away]
Joel: Unbelievable..
Jerry: How can you talk to someone like that?
Joel: What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll?

Jerry: Listen, Joel, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Joel: What?
Jerry: This friendship, it's not working.
Joel: Not working? What are you talking about?
Jerry: We're just not suited to be friends.
Joel: How can you say that?
Jerry: Look, you're a nice guy, it's just that we don't have anything in common.
Joel: [starting to sob] Wait. What did I do? Tell me. I want to know.
Jerry: You didn't do anything. It's not you, it's me. It's.. this is very difficult.
Joel: Look, I know I call you too much, right? I mean, I know you're a very busy guy.
Jerry: No, it's not that.
Joel: [crying] You're one of the few people I can talk to.
Jerry: Oh, come on. That's not true.
Joel: I always tell everybody about you. I tell everybody to [loudly] go see his show. I mean, I'm your biggest fan!
Jerry: I know, I know.
Joel: I mean, you're my best friend.
Jerry: Best friend? I've never been to your apartment.

Joel: I cannot believe that this is happening. I can't believe it.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Forget it. It's okay. I didn't mean it.
Joel: Didn't mean what?
Jerry: What I said. I've been under a lot of stress.
Joel: Oh, you've been under a lot of stress.
Jerry: Just, can we just forget the whole thing ever happened? I'm sorry. I din't mean it. I took it out on you. We're still friends. We're still friends. Still friends. Okay? Look, I'll tell you what. I've got Knicks tickets this Wednesday. Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with me? Come on.
Joel: Tonight?
Jerry: No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I would've said tonight.

Jerry: How much could you possibly have in there?
George: It's my money. What should I do? Throw it out the window? I know guy who took his vacation on change.
Jerry: Yeah? Where'd he go, to an arcade?
George: That's funny. You're a funny guy.

Jerry: I have to say something. With all due respect, I just never.. I can't imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie.. but that's me.
Kramer: That's you.
Jerry: I'm just saying..
Kramer: Okay, okay. I just wanted to check with you guys.
Jerry: Okay.
Kramer: You know, this business is going to be big. I just wanted... Okay. [quickly exits, then opens the door again] One day, you'll beg me to make your own pie.

Jerry: [on the phone] Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you get this before you- Oh, Hi. Joel. Oh, you just came in. Listen, I can't make it to the game tonight. I, uh, have to tutor my nephew. Yeah, he's got an exam tomorrow... Geometry. You know, trapezoids, rhombus.. Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. They're at the will-call window.. And I'm really sorry.. Have a good time. We'll talk next week. Okay... Yeah, I don't... Fine. Fine. Bye. [hangs up].
George: Trapezoid?
Jerry: I know. I'm really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some kind of excuse Rolodex.

Elaine: Here, here. Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot believe you're doing this. This is absolutely infantile.
Jerry: What can I do?
Elaine: Deal with it. Be a man!
Jerry: Oh no. That's impossible. I'd rather lie to him for the rest of my life that go through that again. He was crying, tears accompanied by mucus.
Elaine: You made a man cry? I've never made a man cry. I even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didn't cry.. I got the cab.
Jerry: A couple of tough monkeys.

Kramer: Hey, you missed a great game tonight, buddy!
Jerry: Game?
Kramer: Knick game. Horneck took me. We were sitting two rows behind the bench. We were getting hit by sweat!
Jerry: Wait. How does Horneck know you?
Kramer: Last week. When I, you know, game you the phone. He's really into my pizza place idea!
Jerry: This is too much.
Elaine: Wait, what pizza place idea?
Jerry: Oh, no.
Kramer: You make your own pie!
Elaine: Oh, that sounds like a great idea. It would be fun.

Joel: (to Jerry) What about Thursday night? I mean they're playing the Sonics. [Jerry shakes his head]
Elaine: Huh. Thursday is not good because we've got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as those organ donors.
Joel: You know, I should really try something like that.
Jerry: You really should.
Joel: Well, let's just take a look here. [looks at his schedule] Forty-one home games. Saturday night we've got the Mavericks. If you don't like the Mavericks, next Tuesday, Lakers. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right? Let's see, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back on the fourteenth. They play the Bulls. You can't miss Air Jordan..