George: Can you change this into bills?
Teller: I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that.
Jerry: Do you want to go with him? You go. I don't mind.
George: I'm not going with him. I don't even know the guy. [to the teller] Look, they did this for me before.
Teller: Look, I can give you these and you can roll them yourself.
George: You want me to roll six thousand of these?! What, should I quit my job?!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I do not like the bank. I've heard the expression, "Laughing all the way to the bank." I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate it when there's nobody on the line at all. You know that part, you go to the bank, it's empty and you still have to go through the little maze. "Can you get a little piece of cheese for me? I'm almost at the front. I'd like a reward for this please."

Elaine: I'm gonna check my machine first.
[As Elaine picks up Jerry's phone, she notices a yellow pad on the coffee table]
Elaine: (cont.) "Picking someone up at the airport." "Jury Duty." "Waiting for cable guy."
Jerry: Okay, just hand that over, please.
Elaine: Oh, what is this?
Jerry: It's a list of excuses. It's for that guy, Horneck, who's at the game tonight with my tickets. I have that list now so in case he calls, I just consult it and I don't have to see him. [Elaine laughs] I need it. [Elaine starts writing on the list] What are you doing?
Elaine: I got some for you.
Jerry: Oh, I don't need anymore.
Elaine: No, no, no, no, no, these are good. Listen, listen: "You ran out of underwear, you can't leave the house."
Jerry: Very funny.
Elaine: [laughs] How about: "You've been diagnosed as a multiple personality, you're not even you. You're Dan."
Jerry: I'm Dan. Can I have my list back, please?

Joel: Whoa, Nelson! This is Elaine? I thought you guys split up?
Jerry: We're still friends.
Joel: So, thanks again for those tickets. But next week, I'm going to take you. You about next Tuesday night? [to Elaine] And why don't you come along?
Elaine: Oh, no, no. Tuesday's no good because we've got choir practice.
Jerry: Right. I forgot about choir.
Elaine: We're doing that evening of Eastern European National Anthems.
Jerry: Right. You know, the wall being down and everything.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You know, I really.. I've come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in you life that they're just always your friends and you have to accept it. You see them, you don't really want to see them. You don't call them. They call you. You don't call back. They call again. The only way to get through talking with people that you don't really have anything in common with is to pretend you're hosting your own little talk show. This is what I do. You pretend there's a little desk around you. The only problem with this is there's no way you can say, "Hey, it's been great having you on the show. Were out of time."

George: I had to say something. I had to say something. Everything was going so well. I had to say something.
Jerry: I don't think you did anything wrong.
George: I told her I liked her. Why? Why did I tell her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel. I like you I don't tell you.
Jerry: We can only thank God for that.

Kramer: [on the phone] Oh, they've got a cure for cancer. See, it's all big business.. Oh hey, Jerry just walked in. Hi, George. Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, take my number, it's 555-8643.

Jerry: Why did you put me on the phone with him? I hate just being handed a phone.
Kramer: Well, it's your phone. He wanted to talk to you.
Jerry: Maybe I didn't want to talk to him.
Kramer: Well, why not?
Jerry: He bothers me. I don't even answer the phone anymore because of him. He's turned me into a screener.

Kramer: [phone ringing] That's for me. [answers cell phone] Kramerica Industries. Oh, hi, Mark.. No, no, no. Forget that. I got a better idea. A pizza place where you make your own pie.
Jerry: Can you conduct your business elsewhere?
Kramer: [ignoring Jerry] No, no, no. I'm talking about a whole chain of 'em. Yeah. [exits]

George: I don't know why you even bother with this ping pong guy, I'll tell you that.
Jerry: I don't bother with him. He's been calling me for seven years. I've never called him once! He's got the attention span of a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit there and I make up things just to see if he's paying attention.
George: I don't understand why you spend time with this guy.
Jerry: What can I do? Break up with him? Tell him "I Don't think we're right for each other.." He's a guy. At least with a woman, there's a precedent. You know, the relationship goes sour, you end it.
George: No, no, no. No, you have to approach this as if he was a woman.
Jerry: Just break up with him?
George: Absolutely. You just tell him the truth.
Jerry: The truth?
[George initially gives a confirming look, before wincing at the thought of the truth]