Janitor: The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.
J.D.: Maybe a penny's stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know.
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, I was making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

Dr. Cox: Did you actually just page me to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lenzer?
J.D.: I was worried it could exacerbate the patient's...
Dr. Cox: It's regular-strength Tylenol. Here's what you do. Get her to open her mouth, take a handful and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage.
J.D.: But I...
Dr. Cox: And under no circumstances are you to compromise our no-talking agreement.

J.D.: [v.o.] Just tell him you can't see Mr. Burski again, he'll understand.
J.D.: Sir, do you think I could skip just this one?
Dr. Kelso: Why, sure, sport.
J.D.: [v.o.] See? Every story needs a good guy.
Dr. Kelso: In fact, why don't you just head on home? You look kinda tired.
J.D.: I am pretty tired.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names. Now, look, if the patient has insurance, you treat them. If they don't, you show them the door. And if somebody dies, you get the autopsy. You get it by rounds tomorrow or I'll be scratching your name off my chart. Are we clear? Answer me!
J.D.: Crystal clear.
Dr. Kelso: Great, sport.