Dr. Kelso: Next contestant, Dr. Reid.
Elliot: Mr. Murdock was admitted with a COPD exacerbation; he responded well to antibiotics and bronchial dilators but he did develop a rash on his, um... private area.
Dr. Kelso: Sorry, on his what?
Elliot: His peepers.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Elliot: His schwing-schwong.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, it's bad enough you run out on a patient in the middle of a pelvic exam. But you are a doctor, and you need to be able to say simple clinical words like "penis," or "vagina," or "anal."
Elliot: "Anal" is not a dirty word, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Tell that to my wife.

Elliot: You can talk to me if you want.
Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex. I don't understand that crazy gibberish you use. Penis is schwing-something.
Elliot: Schwing-schwong, peepers or peep.
Turk: And vagina is...
Elliot: Disgusting, but also bajingo or hoo-hoo.
Turk: Here's the deal. I'm trying to get in the mood, right? And Carla's going on and on about her cervical mucus.
Elliot: Ah-ah, b-b-but, mm-mmm. From now on, [quietly] cervical mucus will be referred to as "icky sticky."
Turk: Icky sticky.

Dr. Cox: You know, Bobbo, I find you less repugnant as of late. I'm developing a begrudging indifference to you.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, Perry, you're so edgy and cantankerous. You're like House without the limp.

J.D.: [v.o.] Now that Dan knew Elliot wasn't into him, my focus had shifted from keeping him away from her to avoiding him so he doesn't kill me.
J.D.: Hey, Mr. Brooks. Let's get these bandages off you, huh? What are you doing?
Janitor: Mr. Brooks wanted safety tips on operating propane heaters.
J.D.: As long as you're not my brother.
Janitor: I had a brother once. Well, he's still my brother. My parents adopted him when I was about 12. He was about 46. Actually older than my parents. His name was Clete and he talked like this, "How's it going? How's it going?" Good kid. Did what they said. Make the bed, mop the floor, sweep the lawn, whatever needed to be done. Everything was good till he was in his 50s and, wow, did he have a midlife crisis. Him and my dad fought constantly. And I mean really physically beating on each other. But I don't blame him for it. I blame my mom for sleeping with him. That's just out of line.
J.D.: Yeah.
Janitor: Anyway, the reason I'm telling you this is your brother told me if I keep you focused on me, he would let me watch.
J.D.: Watch what?
Dan: Hey, little brother.
J.D.: [screams]

Carla: Oh, what a cutie. Where'd this little guy come from?
J.D.: Doug found him in some dead guy's colon.
Carla: Ugh! [squeaks]
J.D.: Hey, little guy. Doug's still pretty upset about the whole thing.
Doug: Why would he live in there?