Funeral Director: Sorry about the mess. We're in the middle of a move. Now unfortunately, we haven't quite found your Aunt Maureen's ashes, but, we know they're here somewhere.
Stevie: Okay, well, that's encouraging.
Funeral Director: The problem is they all come in from the crematorium on the same day, and sometimes, they're not labelled.

Funeral Director: Is it possible someone else picked them up?
Stevie: Unlikely.
Funeral Director: I see your great aunt has a sister.
Stevie: Yeah, they haven't spoken in 20 years.
Funeral Director: And a step-son.
Stevie: He's in prison.
Funeral Director: And a cousin.
Stevie: Who's also deceased. What?
David: I didn't know.
Stevie: That side of my family has a bit of a reputation for conflict. And philandering. And fraud. And gun-play.

Assistant: Found them. They were on top of the microwave.
Funeral Director: Wonderful. Oh, that reminds me. Can you get us some whitener for the coffees? Oh what have I been using?
David: Okay, I'm gonna put that down.

Funeral Director: And what about the service?
Stevie: Well, since it's just gonna be us attending, I think we can do without.
Funeral Director: I see now, I know this may sound premature, but have the two of you thought about the planning of your own funerals?
David: Okay, I think we got what we came here for, so we- I think we can just... Thank you so much.

Alexis: Don't be embarrassed.
Ted: I'm not embarrassed.
Alexis: I know your little secret, and as your assistant I will be discreet, and professional.
Ted: What?
Alexis: No one's gonna know that you're having an adventurous little rendezvous with an apple-cheeked farm-woman!
Ted: But that's not what happened!
Alexis: Wink.

Alexis: Those are delicious, by the way. She practically begged me to try one. So I did. And I also took a couple for David.

David: Um, yeah, you're right, this is a bit depressing. Are we sure this is the right place?
Stevie: She was very specific about where she wanted to be scattered.
David: Um, so what are where- How- Where should we do...?
Stevie: Well, I don't want people parking on her!
David: Okay.
Stevie: So Maybe I could just put her on the grass over there?
David: Sure. Ooh, it smells like cigarettes. Um, do we scatter it all or do we save some for later?
Stevie: Later?!
David: I don't know!

Johnny: Okay, look folks, I'm really sorry, my wife was simply trying to fictionalize our very real financial struggle.
Moira: Okay, that was fun.
Car Salesman: There's no need to be embarrassed. We read all about what happened to you, losing everything.
Sarah: It's heartbreaking.
Moira: We didn't lose everything.
Johnny: Well.
Car Salesman: Seeing you working so hard, just to shave a few bucks off that Lincoln, which we could do.
Moira: But now you're making it sound like some act of desperation, it was simply just an act.
Johnny: Um, Moira, they're just trying to help us out by giving us a better price.
Moira: Well, nonsense, dear, we can certainly pay full freight. You save that discount for someone who needs it!

David: To Maureen Budd, and not following too closely in her footsteps.
Stevie: So we're drinking to me not becoming an alcoholic?
David: Mmm-hmm.
Stevie: [clinks] Off to a good start.

David: Oh, my God. When did you have this photo taken?
Stevie: That's not me. That's Maureen.
David: Mmm. Okay, well, just because you bear a vague physical resemblance, does not mean that you will end up in an apartment with newspaper for curtains. Okay, this is not going to be you.