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35Quotes from ‘The Throuple’

Schitt's Creek: The Throuple

302. The Throuple

Aired January 17, 2017

Things get awkward between David and Stevie in their relationships with Jake. Meanwhile, Johnny helps out at the cafe, and Moira and Alexis try to spend some time together.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I never meant for you to think that I didn't wanna spend any time with you. Well I hope it's not too late to make up for lost time.
Alexis: Okay. What is your favourite season?
Moira: [inhales sharply] Awards.

Quote from Moira

David: Alexis seems to think you like me more.
Moira: Alexis, don't be ridiculous! This is exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.
Alexis: I was sitting right here, and you chose to eat lunch alone.
Moira: That is simply not true! I didn't see you. At first. Alexis, I would be absolutely glee-ridden if you would have lunch with me. Today.
Alexis: No, no, no, no, no. I wasn't actually...
Moira: You'll meet me at the cafe for their one o'clock sitting.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Well, you wouldn't need these if you were having lunch with David.
Moira: Oh, Alexis, please. I wasn't even sure you'd show up.
Alexis: [scoffs] Why wouldn't I show up?
Moira: You've never wanted to spend time alone with me. There, I said it.
Alexis: You never asked.
Moira: Bordeaux?! The trip I planned for the two of us?
Alexis: That was a wine tasting tour, and I was seven years old!
Moira: You could've used the spittoon. That's what the other children did.

Quote from David

Stevie: I just wanna make sure that we're still fine, you know, down the line. Because what if things get complicated?
David: What would make things complicated?
Stevie: Nothing! But the last thing we want is a situation where one person is breaking up with another person, and that person is hurt, because things have gotten complicated!
David: Okay, I'm starting to feel like I'm trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here. And while I not-so-secretly love Avril, and have paid very close attention to her battle with Lyme disease... Um, I don't know why we're...

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Don't worry, David, I've been in this situation like, the most times, except I'm always the girl getting into the truck.

Quote from Moira

Moira: So, how are working at the animal hos- Uh, how is working at the animal hospital?
Alexis: Fine.
Moira: That's marvellous. And uh, your daily exercise routine...
Alexis: What are you looking at?
Moira: It's- Well, it's a napkin.
Alexis: Let me see this. You had to prepare questions?!
Moira: I wouldn't categorize them as questions exactly.
Alexis: "What's your favourite colour?"
Moira: Black.
Alexis: That's one of the questions! It's right after, "How is your job at the animal hospital?"
Moira: Is it a crime, Alexis, that I had so many queries for you that I wrote them down in anticipation of forgetting them?

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Hey. Um, you don't need me to work through lunch today, do you?
Ted: Would that be to make up for the work you were supposed to be doing this morning?
Alexis: I took one tiny break to watch two episodes of "Scandal" with Mrs. McCreary, while she waited for her dog!

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Hey, hey, David, isn't that your friend?
Moira: Oh, I didn't recognize him clothed.
David: Yeah, I don't know what he's doing here.
Alexis: You sure, David, 'cause I've got a pretty good idea.
Moira: Alexis, don't be crass.

Quote from David

David: What are you doing here?
Jake: Well, I was just in the neighbourhood.
David: I just thought after last week, we decided to avoid the motel. Like, generally speaking.
Moira: David, what should we do?
Johnny: Should we be walking ahead, how far ahead should we be walking?
Alexis: I'm just gonna walk, 'cause I don't even care what's going on right now.
David: Keep walking, okay?! Walk, walk, walk! Um what's going on? [David sees Stevie leave the reception] Oh. Okay, um, so you weren't here for me today. Okay.
Jake: Well, it's just a casual hang, you know, we talked about it.
David: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's totally fine, I'm just I'm tasting metal, for some reason.

Quote from Alexis

David: Uh, who picked through my cake, and only left the icing?
Alexis: Who eats the icing?!
David: What kind of barnyard were you raised in, where you just eat someone else's food?!
Alexis: So you can share a boyfriend, but you can't share a piece of cake?

Quote from David

David: I'm not sharing a boyfriend, Stevie and I are both dating Jake, at the same time, like sexually evolved human beings.
Alexis: Oh, okay, because in my experience with throuples-
David: We're not a "throuple!"
Alexis: When it comes to three people, David, there's always a favourite. It's just like how Mom likes you more.
David: That's not true, and please don't include Mom in an analogy about my relationship, thank you!

Quote from Moira

Moira: [on the phone] No, I hear your concern, it's just apparently what geese do. No, it's not the town's problem, you're just going to have to watch where you step. I don't want to hear the- I don't want- No, I don't wanna hear that! [hangs up]

Quote from Moira

Moira: I would love nothing more than to lunch with you today, but I believe I'm lunching with Alexis.
[laughs] It's kind of a mother daughter thing.
Ronnie: Oh, a little bonding time.
Moira: Yes, and what's so wrong with that?!
Ronnie: I don't know, is there something wrong with that?
Moira: Well, just because my daughter and I don't do that sort of thing doesn't mean it's impossible!
Ronnie: And I'm sure you'll have a really good time.
Moira: Yes, we will! We will! Once I break the ice with a provocative question or two.
Ronnie: Sure.
Moira: And then there's the banter about the food, that always eats up some time, doesn't it?
Ronnie: As long as you don't over think it.
Moira: Oh, no. Ronnie! If you're still there when we arrive, might we perhaps push our tables together?
Ronnie: Yeah, perhaps.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Here you go.
Female Customer: I didn't order this, I ordered the fish.
Male Customer: That's mine, the full combo?
Female Customer #2: I wanted to order the fish.
Twyla: Well, you can order the fish.
Female Customer #2: He told me not to, he said it was off.
Female Customer: The fish is off?!
Johnny: No, no, the fish is fine, it's just uh, you know, it was a bit fishy.

Quote from Johnny

Female Customer #2: You know what, I'll just order the full combo instead.
Twyla: Okay, but just to be clear, the combo is a cup of soup, and a half a sandwich.
Female Customer #2: Then what is that?
Male Customer: It's the full combo.
Twyla: There is no full combo.
Moira: He said there was.
Johnny: Well, not-not in those words. No, I said we'll see what we can do.

Quote from Twyla

Male Customer: Well, what's this, then?
Twyla: That's just a soup and a sandwich.
Male Customer: But there is a deal, right?
Twyla: No.
Male Customer: You said it was a combo.
Johnny: No, no, I said it was like an evolution of a combo.
Female Customer #2: But there's no deal?!
Twyla: Well, there is a deal on the combo, which is a cup of soup, and a half a sandwich.
Male Customer: So what's this gonna cost me?
Johnny: Well, I-I think we can uh, charge you for two, uh, half combos.
Twyla: There is no half combo! It's just a cup of soup, and a half a sandwich!

Quote from Moira

Moira: I'm so glad we're doing this.
Alexis: Me too!
Moira: When your father comes over, just act like everything's normal.
Alexis: Is there something not normal about us being here?
Moira: It's not normal for your father to be waiting tables at a rural sandwich counter.
Alexis: Eww! What's happening?
Moira: He thinks he's working. Just play along.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, can I get you ladies started with anything that is not a combo?
Alexis: Um, I will have a mixed green salad, and some chicken.
Moira: Me too, something in common already.
Johnny: Salads, good. Simple.
Alexis: And I will get the dressing on the side, please.
Johnny: You'll get your dressing on the salad, like everyone else.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: No, it's because you were always being recognized.
Moira: Yes.
Alexis: No! Not now. Like before.
Moira: Didn't you enjoy the warm glow that Mummy's spotlight cast upon you?
Alexis: No!
Moira: Alexis! If I'd known you didn't like the attention, I would've chosen to be alone with you, and not out in public, among the throngs of fans.
Alexis: I don't remember throngs.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, good evening. David, Stevie.
Stevie: Mr. Rose.
Johnny: Hello again. I take it we'll be dining together as a group tonight? Or will you be taking turns?
David: Um, first of all, what are you doing here?! And second, we're gonna need a minute. So...

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: There you go, Mr. Rose. This is your share of the tips.
Johnny: Oh, Twyla, I can't take any money.
Twyla: I insist. You earned it.
Johnny: Well, I have to admit, I haven't worked this hard in a long time.
Twyla: I'm glad to hear it.
Johnny: Although the things some of these customers can put you through!
Twyla: Oh, I know.
Johnny: Joking when you're way too busy, trying to tell you how they want their food cooked.
Twyla: I've experienced a bit of that myself.
Johnny: Yeah, you know, I think maybe um you should keep my share of the tips.
Twyla: That's not necessary, Mr. Rose.
Johnny: No, just think of it as a little reparation pay.
Twyla: Well, that doesn't even begin to cover it! [both laugh]

Quote from Johnny

Alexis: Oh God, David, this is so awkward!
Moira: What? What's happening?
Johnny: Well, I don't think Jake is here to see David.
David: We can hear you. Very clearly.
Johnny: Oh.

Quote from Moira

Moira: The least they could do is offer us a ride!
David: Okay, let's move please, people!

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Yes, Twyla, I think I'll have the eggs, and brown toast, over easy, The eggs, not the toast.
Twyla: Comin' right up.
Johnny: And I think I might ask for a... Oh, my God! What happened?
Twyla: Well, I went whitewater rafting.
Johnny: Oh no, well, that'll do it, I mean...
Twyla: Anyway, it's fine now. Yesterday it was this stabbing pain, but today it's more like a really intense throbbing.
Johnny: Well, it's not urgent, not urgent. I don't need coffee with breakfast, so...
Twyla: I'll grab it right after I clear these.
Johnny: Well, if it's not too much trouble?

Quote from Johnny

Doris: Can I help you with those?
Twyla: Oh, no, no.
Johnny: Oh, you know, I can help, I can help with that, Twyla.
Twyla: No, no, they say it's better to work through the pain. Really.
Johnny: Oh well, there you go. If those are the doctor's orders... No, I mean, I can help, Twyla. I do have a bad back, But I-I can certainly, uh, help out here.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: I should go. Don't wanna set a bad example for the rest of the motel staff.
Jake: I thought you were the only one that worked there.
Stevie: Yeah, that's another good reason to go.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Here we go, Twyla. Table Five, a Caprese salad, and a ginger ale.
Twyla: Thank you, Mr. Rose, I really appreciate this.
Johnny: Oh! Yeah, it looks like the morning rush is finally dying down. Maybe I can get the kitchen to whip up a fresh batch of eggs for us volunteers.
Roland: Uh, Twyla, honey, whenever you're ready.
Twyla: I'll be right there! Would you please pass me my crutch?
Johnny: Not a problem.
Twyla: Unless...
Johnny: No, it's right here.
Twyla: No, I was gonna say unless you could possibly take their order? I just need to cash out table three.
Johnny: Sure, no, I can I can do that. You know, it's funny, I said eggs, but uh I'm gonna be ready for lunch soon.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Is everything okay with your mom?
Alexis: Absolutely! Why?
Ted: Well, it's just you've offered to work through lunch three times now, and most days I can barely get you to come back after lunch.
Alexis: Thank you, Ted.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: No, everything's fine, it's just we don't spend a lot of time together just the two of us, which is why it's totally easy to just rain-check.
Ted: Isn't that all the more reason to go? I mean, I try to have lunch with my mom at least once a week.
And sometimes lunch will turn into dinner, because we get carried away chatting, and...
Alexis: For sure, for sure. Okay, well I guess lunch is free, then. So I guess I will see you tomorrow.
Ted: Oh, well, there's still work to be done, so probably best if you come back after lunch.
Alexis: Okay, but nothing during lunch, though. Maybe?
Ted: Tell your mom I say hi.
Alexis: Okay, thanks.

Quote from Johnny

Twyla: Thank you, Mr. Rose. And I've got a steak sandwich here with your name on it.
Johnny: Oh, you shouldn't have!
Twyla: Just one thing before you start-
Johnny: Yeah, steak sauce, I know, you read my mind.
Twyla: Actually, I was gonna ask if you could take this to table four.
Johnny: Oh! Yes, yes, I can. And then I'll be back for that sandwich, avec sauce.

Quote from David

Stevie: So huh, this is new.
David: Well, a lot more people are seeing my body these days, so I just thought I would...

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Okay. If you knew somebody was planning on breaking up with you, wouldn't you wanna be the one to break up with him first?
David: Okay, if you think he's going to break up with you and you wanna be the first one to do it, I say, be the first one to do it.
Stevie: Okay, I'm doing this wrong. I need to be more direct.
David: Yes, by just telling him how you feel. I think it'll benefit everyone.
David: I meant you!
Stevie: Me? I'm trying to warn you-
David: That you are going to be ending things with him. And I appreciate that, but message has been delivered. Loud and clear.
David: [cell phone rings] Oh. Okay, it's Jake, so um... Oh, okay. Don't worry, I'm gonna let you tell him.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Um, I love having salad for lunch. It's just, it's not heavy.
Moira: No, well, a heavy salad might as well be a casserole.

Quote from David

Jake: I know this hasn't been easy on you lately, and that doesn't make me feel good. And I know Stevie's been feeling it a little bit, too.
Stevie: Has she?
Jake: That's why I think there's only one thing for me to do.
Stevie: Oh, I should go.
Jake: No. No. Okay I think we all need to be in this together. Now, you've been with each other, and you've both been with me. Let's all be with us.
David: Let's all be with us?
Jake: All of us. Together.
David: Mm, 'Kay.
Stevie: Yeah I don't think that's gonna work.

Quote from Stevie

David: To be clear, you were going to go on a date with him, knowing that he had just broken up with me?
Stevie: No, I wasn't.
David: Uh, you showed up for the date.
Stevie: No, I didn't.
David: You're literally here in the restaurant!
Stevie: Because I was gonna tell him that I was breaking up with him.
David: Oh, okay.
Stevie: Uh, yeah, fine. [sighs] But if it makes you feel any better, nobody hates me more than me. Generally speaking.
David: Fair enough, I would've done the same thing.


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