Moira: You must prepare for life, and whatever it will throw at you. The opportunities will diminish, and the ass will get bigger. Oh, you can bet your bottom dollar it will! Especially yours. You're going to have a huge ass. And you, future baldy. Sorry, hairless, homeless! So what? Who cares? When they get mean, you tell them to go to hell! Because only you know who you are! And those cruel Internet people cannot take that away from you! You will forge on! And you will find some glimmer of something to hold on to. And only then will you find your way back. Only then will you become once again who you are! [to a seated boy] Lady standing! [sobs] [groans]

David: Hi, um, question. If one were to theoretically look for a job here in Schitt's Creek, where would you suggest that that person go to look? Is there, like, a bulletin board or a pamphlet, or something with information on it?
Stevie: No. No bulletin board. What kind of job are you looking for?
David: Um, something in, like, art curating or trend forecasting.
Stevie: Oh, okay. Um, hmmm, let's see. Not seeing anything in art curating or trend forecasting. That's weird.

Moira: [o.s., slurred] They dare to call me irrelevant? Shag carpeting, that's irrelevant! L.A. is irrelevant... I am relevant! "Good riddance," is what they said.
Johnny: Oh, who said that, sweetheart?
Moira: I don't know! They're no name commentors. Tormentors.
Johnny: Are we having a bad day, honey?
Moira: Anonymous. Ominous. [closing the closet door] That'll be fine, thank you. I'm afraid I don't have a gratuity right now.

Johnny: So, this is the town limits?
Ray: Yes, sir. 4,500 acres that ends right here at the town sign. And it's all yours, Johnny. It must be a nice feeling, considering you don't have a lot right now. You know, because of the crooked business manager. You know, the money scandal-
Johnny: Yes, I know, I know, I know, Ray.

Roland: Oh my go- That is so demented!
Johnny: You can't tell me you don't see that.
Roland: Well, you know, now that you put that creepy thought in my head, sure, I- I see it, but you got it all wrong, pal. Let me enlighten you, Mr. Johnny Rose! That isn't even Horace's wife! That's his sister.
Johnny: Well, how does that make it any better?
Roland: Ohhh! Well, I don't know how they do things where you come from, but around these parts, we don't do that sort of thing with our sisters!
Johnny: Roland, how is anybody driving past this sign supposed to know the woman getting banged from behind is that man's sister?!
Roland: Oh my.

Johnny: What's that?
David: Eye cream.
Johnny: From where?
David: From Paris.
Johnny: How did you pay for it?
David: Oh, one of my credit cards is still working.
Johnny: Oh, you're charging things to your credit card?! I see, and how are you gonna pay for it?
David: I don't think you understand, I already have it.
Johnny: Well, I know this is a bizarre concept for you, David, but if you want cream from Paris, you need a job, so you can pay for the cream from Paris!
David: Okay. Well, tell that to the bags under my eyes, then.

Moira: Help me out. Help me!
Alexis: Okay.
Moira: Oh, shhh. My foot's fallen asleep. Hey, shall we see what they're saying about you and Stavros?
Alexis: No!
Moira: It's not my idea! You were a couple of doe eyed lovers aboard a trans-Atlantic airship filled with gas!

Jocelyn: How are you?
Moira: I'm eating egg whites, and hoping the building will collapse.

Moira: It's not your fault, the script is garbage! Okay, which one of you wrote this?
Jocelyn: I did.
Moira: Jocelyn, have you ever been addicted to drugs?
Johnny: No!
Moira: Then write what you know, okay? The quiet suffering of a woman trapped in a relationship with a simpleton.
Johnny: That's not what I know, Moira, and drug awareness is part of the curriculum, so...

Johnny: I don't hate you. I don't hate you.
Roland: Well, then, why do you have a problem with a sign that celebrates my family?
Johnny: It's not- It's just the way they're celebrating, that's all.
Roland: Okay, so now you hate my family.
Johnny: I don't hate your family.
Roland: Well then, what is your big fat problem with the sign?!
Johnny: It looks like your great grandfather's fucking your great grandmother right up the ass!