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36Quotes from ‘Bob's Bagels’

Schitt's Creek: Bob's Bagels

205. Bob's Bagels

Aired February 2, 2016

After Johnny throws off a business idea to show he's busy working, Bob kind of runs away with it. Meanwhile, Moira is reluctant to take care of a sick Alexis, and Stevie drives David to a job interview in Elmdale.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I knew this day would come, John. Isolated, impoverished, cut off from all medical services. I only prayed it wouldn't be Alexis.
Johnny: It's just a cold, Moira.
Moira: Oh, it's always just a cold, John, until it's full blown Typhoid!
Alexis: [o.s.] I don't have typhoid!
Moira: Well, of course you don't. What are the chances of that?! Do you remember Valentina? Our chambermaid in little Martinique? We all thought she had just a cold, until it was too late! I'll never shake the mental image of her frothing and flailing in the water taxi!
Alexis: [o.s.] I can still hear you!
Moira: We love you, Alexis!

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Quote from Bob

Bob: So I was thinking, and uh, I'm not married to it, but, uh, "Bob's Bagels."
Roland: Johnny, I think you have something you'd like to say to Bob.
Bob: You don't wanna use the name Bob? Oh, I get it, go with something a little more old testament?

Quote from Bob

Johnny: All right, you know what, I hate to break up this party, but this is my office, and I do have a lot of work to do, so up, Roland.
Roland: Your office? Uh, well that's kind of interesting, Johnny, because I don't remember seeing your application for a new business license.
Bob: Oh jeez! To be a fly on the wall for this conversation!
Johnny: Bob, you're in the room.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Well, congratulations. Let me get the champagne. You guys are gonna love it. It's the same one we use to celebrate my mom's divorces.

Quote from Moira

Moira: It's warm!
Alexis: How warm?
Moira: I don't know Alexis, I'm not a nurse! Though I played one once in a lovely little production of "Harvey," but she worked in a mental institute.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Can you tell me a story.
Moira: How about a song?
Alexis: No.
Moira: A story it is. Um, there once was a radiant young actress, who dreamed of having two sons. The second of which would be named Alex.
Alexis: I don't like this story.
Moira: Shh! Now, it seems the vivacious daytime Emmy nominee was surprised by how taken she was with this unanticipated daughter. Mostly because she didn't cry as much as the unmannerly son, but also because she was adventurous, carefree, so beautiful. Just like her mother. Alexis. You're on my arm. Alexis, seriously. I can't feel it! I can't-Alexis!
Alexis: Aah!
Moira: Go to sleep, dear.

Quote from David

David: Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I've always been on the fence about it.
Alexis: I don't know.
David: What do you mean, you don't know? You either like it, or you don't like it.
Alexis: I mean, I like it 'cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don't know if I like, like it, like it.
David: Um, that's not really an answer.
Alexis: I feel really bad, I feel like there's something burning in my throat.
David: Oh, my God, well, you could've answered the question by now.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Tell her you're gonna bring her the juice.
Johnny: I am bringing the juice, Moira.
Moira: John, don't touch her. This is as far as I go, Alexis. One of us has to stay safe for David.
David: I'm already in the room.
Johnny: See, we're still alive, Moira, I think we're gonna be okay.
Moira: Of course you are, that's the spirit. I'm just going to close this door until you're done. Sorry! I'm sorry!

Quote from Stevie

David: Do you like this sweater?
Stevie: Honestly, while I admire your courage, uh, when it comes to fashion, I'm just not the best person to ask.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I have to go to this Jazzagals rehearsal, Alexis, so I'll need your word you'll remain stable. We're a long way from any hospitals. You can't be playing fast and loose with those symptoms.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Alexis? Alexis?!
Alexis: I'm sleeping!
Moira: Oh, honey! Honey, I need to ask you a serious question. Has it gotten worse, or are you just not wearing any makeup?

Quote from Moira

Moira: I blame those late nights at the barn. Cold air whistling in and out, and you and Mutt not wearing near enough clothing.
Alexis: Everybody gets sick sometimes.
Moira: Speak for yourself!

Quote from David

David: Anyway, we can't be here, we need to go.
Stevie: Why? What's the big deal?
David: There is a solid chance I may have insulted the owner.
Stevie: Oh well, that doesn't sound like something you'd do.
David: She has very questionable taste. And I may or may not have told her that to her face. So there is no point in being here, you can start the car.
Stevie: I didn't drive all the way out here for you not to do this. Also, this is probably the only job in this town that you'll ever be qualified for.
David: Okay, so do you want me to lead with that, or hold it 'til the end, and keep it as a surprise?

Quote from Bob

Johnny: I mean, you wanna make sure you're making good bagels the real way.
Bob: Well, You would certainly know how to make them the real way, because you're, uh.... You're-
Johnny: Jewish?
Bob: I didn't know if I could say it. But boy, do you all love your bagels! I mean I do too, and I'm not even, uh...
Johnny: Jewish. You can say it, Bob.
Bob: I don't know why, it feels like a swear. What's the one you can't say?

Quote from David

Wendy: So, David, this is quite the resume. If I ever need a performance artist I know who to call.
David: Thank you.
Wendy: Skanky!
David: Excuse me?
Wendy: You called my store skanky when you were here with the mayor.
David: Mmm-hmm.
Wendy: Hmm.
David: Well, what I think I'd bring to the position is a worldly approach to merchandising, and sales tactics. We're not over the skanky thing, are we?
Wendy: No, and I can't help but wonder, why you'd wanna work in a store you described as skanky!
David: I don't know if we need to keep saying the word.

Quote from David

Wendy: Skanky! Do you still think my store is skanky, David?
David: [nods] Which is why I feel like I can help.
Wendy: You think I need your help?!
David: Well, I am answering an ad in the paper.
Wendy: Well, David, I am looking for a partner. Someone who believes in my store.
David: Well, I can say with complete certainty that I see literally nothing but potential. In your store, you know? Is the floor overcrowded? Yeah. Are the mannequins a little too busty? Absolutely. Does it smell like urinal cakes in here? Perhaps.
Wendy: Well, this is all very constructive, and it's clear you have some strong ideas. It seems as though you have trouble filtering negative thoughts. So I don't know if I can trust you to represent the "Blouse Barn."
David: Okay. Well, this has been a treat. Thank you so much.
Wendy: I'll need to see you on the floor, working with customers.
David: Okay.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh dear, are we sure this isn't just mono again? What with your symptoms, and your lifestyle?
Mutt: Mrs. Rose, I don't have mono.
Moira: Oh, no offence dear, could be others.
Alexis: Oh, my God!

Quote from Roland

Roland: I'm just wondering at what point you decided to cut me out.
Johnny: Of what?
Roland: Well, I assumed I would be consulted before we made any major decisions about the bagel business.
Johnny: What decisions?!
Roland: Well, hiring Ivan for one thing, I don't have good feeling about that guy. I think he's ex-KGB.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: So how long before I can return this?
David: Oh, it's exchange or store credit only.
Stevie: That's funny.
David: I'm not joking.
Stevie: Well, I guess you're buying drinks tonight.
David: I can do that, that's fair.
Stevie: And dinner.
David: Okay.
Stevie: And if I feel like dessert-
David: It's a $12 dollar negligee on a 2-for-1 promotion, so...

Quote from David

Stevie: To your first job.
David: Ooh, my first job was actually a GAP kids campaign when I was six.
Stevie: To your first job!


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