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36Quotes from ‘Bob's Bagels’

Schitt's Creek: Bob's Bagels

205. Bob's Bagels

Aired February 2, 2016

After Johnny throws off a business idea to show he's busy working, Bob kind of runs away with it. Meanwhile, Moira is reluctant to take care of a sick Alexis, and Stevie drives David to a job interview in Elmdale.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I knew this day would come, John. Isolated, impoverished, cut off from all medical services. I only prayed it wouldn't be Alexis.
Johnny: It's just a cold, Moira.
Moira: Oh, it's always just a cold, John, until it's full blown Typhoid!
Alexis: [o.s.] I don't have typhoid!
Moira: Well, of course you don't. What are the chances of that?! Do you remember Valentina? Our chambermaid in little Martinique? We all thought she had just a cold, until it was too late! I'll never shake the mental image of her frothing and flailing in the water taxi!
Alexis: [o.s.] I can still hear you!
Moira: We love you, Alexis!

Quote from Bob

Bob: So I was thinking, and uh, I'm not married to it, but, uh, "Bob's Bagels."
Roland: Johnny, I think you have something you'd like to say to Bob.
Bob: You don't wanna use the name Bob? Oh, I get it, go with something a little more old testament?

Quote from Bob

Johnny: All right, you know what, I hate to break up this party, but this is my office, and I do have a lot of work to do, so up, Roland.
Roland: Your office? Uh, well that's kind of interesting, Johnny, because I don't remember seeing your application for a new business license.
Bob: Oh jeez! To be a fly on the wall for this conversation!
Johnny: Bob, you're in the room.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Well, congratulations. Let me get the champagne. You guys are gonna love it. It's the same one we use to celebrate my mom's divorces.

Quote from Moira

Moira: It's warm!
Alexis: How warm?
Moira: I don't know Alexis, I'm not a nurse! Though I played one once in a lovely little production of "Harvey," but she worked in a mental institute.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Can you tell me a story.
Moira: How about a song?
Alexis: No.
Moira: A story it is. Um, there once was a radiant young actress, who dreamed of having two sons. The second of which would be named Alex.
Alexis: I don't like this story.
Moira: Shh! Now, it seems the vivacious daytime Emmy nominee was surprised by how taken she was with this unanticipated daughter. Mostly because she didn't cry as much as the unmannerly son, but also because she was adventurous, carefree, so beautiful. Just like her mother. Alexis. You're on my arm. Alexis, seriously. I can't feel it! I can't-Alexis!
Alexis: Aah!
Moira: Go to sleep, dear.

Quote from David

David: Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I've always been on the fence about it.
Alexis: I don't know.
David: What do you mean, you don't know? You either like it, or you don't like it.
Alexis: I mean, I like it 'cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don't know if I like, like it, like it.
David: Um, that's not really an answer.
Alexis: I feel really bad, I feel like there's something burning in my throat.
David: Oh, my God, well, you could've answered the question by now.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Tell her you're gonna bring her the juice.
Johnny: I am bringing the juice, Moira.
Moira: John, don't touch her. This is as far as I go, Alexis. One of us has to stay safe for David.
David: I'm already in the room.
Johnny: See, we're still alive, Moira, I think we're gonna be okay.
Moira: Of course you are, that's the spirit. I'm just going to close this door until you're done. Sorry! I'm sorry!

Quote from Stevie

David: Do you like this sweater?
Stevie: Honestly, while I admire your courage, uh, when it comes to fashion, I'm just not the best person to ask.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I have to go to this Jazzagals rehearsal, Alexis, so I'll need your word you'll remain stable. We're a long way from any hospitals. You can't be playing fast and loose with those symptoms.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Alexis? Alexis?!
Alexis: I'm sleeping!
Moira: Oh, honey! Honey, I need to ask you a serious question. Has it gotten worse, or are you just not wearing any makeup?

Quote from Moira

Moira: I blame those late nights at the barn. Cold air whistling in and out, and you and Mutt not wearing near enough clothing.
Alexis: Everybody gets sick sometimes.
Moira: Speak for yourself!

Quote from David

David: Anyway, we can't be here, we need to go.
Stevie: Why? What's the big deal?
David: There is a solid chance I may have insulted the owner.
Stevie: Oh well, that doesn't sound like something you'd do.
David: She has very questionable taste. And I may or may not have told her that to her face. So there is no point in being here, you can start the car.
Stevie: I didn't drive all the way out here for you not to do this. Also, this is probably the only job in this town that you'll ever be qualified for.
David: Okay, so do you want me to lead with that, or hold it 'til the end, and keep it as a surprise?

Quote from Bob

Johnny: I mean, you wanna make sure you're making good bagels the real way.
Bob: Well, You would certainly know how to make them the real way, because you're, uh.... You're-
Johnny: Jewish?
Bob: I didn't know if I could say it. But boy, do you all love your bagels! I mean I do too, and I'm not even, uh...
Johnny: Jewish. You can say it, Bob.
Bob: I don't know why, it feels like a swear. What's the one you can't say?

Quote from David

Wendy: So, David, this is quite the resume. If I ever need a performance artist I know who to call.
David: Thank you.
Wendy: Skanky!
David: Excuse me?
Wendy: You called my store skanky when you were here with the mayor.
David: Mmm-hmm.
Wendy: Hmm.
David: Well, what I think I'd bring to the position is a worldly approach to merchandising, and sales tactics. We're not over the skanky thing, are we?
Wendy: No, and I can't help but wonder, why you'd wanna work in a store you described as skanky!
David: I don't know if we need to keep saying the word.

Quote from David

Wendy: Skanky! Do you still think my store is skanky, David?
David: [nods] Which is why I feel like I can help.
Wendy: You think I need your help?!
David: Well, I am answering an ad in the paper.
Wendy: Well, David, I am looking for a partner. Someone who believes in my store.
David: Well, I can say with complete certainty that I see literally nothing but potential. In your store, you know? Is the floor overcrowded? Yeah. Are the mannequins a little too busty? Absolutely. Does it smell like urinal cakes in here? Perhaps.
Wendy: Well, this is all very constructive, and it's clear you have some strong ideas. It seems as though you have trouble filtering negative thoughts. So I don't know if I can trust you to represent the "Blouse Barn."
David: Okay. Well, this has been a treat. Thank you so much.
Wendy: I'll need to see you on the floor, working with customers.
David: Okay.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh dear, are we sure this isn't just mono again? What with your symptoms, and your lifestyle?
Mutt: Mrs. Rose, I don't have mono.
Moira: Oh, no offence dear, could be others.
Alexis: Oh, my God!

Quote from Roland

Roland: I'm just wondering at what point you decided to cut me out.
Johnny: Of what?
Roland: Well, I assumed I would be consulted before we made any major decisions about the bagel business.
Johnny: What decisions?!
Roland: Well, hiring Ivan for one thing, I don't have good feeling about that guy. I think he's ex-KGB.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: So how long before I can return this?
David: Oh, it's exchange or store credit only.
Stevie: That's funny.
David: I'm not joking.
Stevie: Well, I guess you're buying drinks tonight.
David: I can do that, that's fair.
Stevie: And dinner.
David: Okay.
Stevie: And if I feel like dessert-
David: It's a $12 dollar negligee on a 2-for-1 promotion, so...

Quote from David

Stevie: To your first job.
David: Ooh, my first job was actually a GAP kids campaign when I was six.
Stevie: To your first job!

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Mm, you seem stressy.
David: I'm not. I'm not stressy. I just want to make a lasting impression, so...
Stevie: It's a job interview.
David: For a "brand manager" position at an upscale boutique.
Stevie: In Elmdale.
David: Okay, there are certain lies I tell myself, and if you're any kind of a friend, you' will let me cling to those lies. And, drive me to the interview.
Stevie: So is this like, an either/or type thing? Can I help you cling to lies, and not drive you to Elmdale?
David: Okay, I'm gonna change my sweater, and meet you at your car, so...
Stevie: It's like a poncho.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Well, if you gentlemen don't mind, I'd like to start my day.
Roland: Yeah, me too. Um, do you guys wanna see a card trick?
Bob: Oh, I do.
Roland: Okay, first thing I need is a deck of cards.

Quote from Roland

Roland: You know, Johnny, it's kind of standard procedure for new businesses to register. But then again, I guess you don't really have a lot to register, do you?
Johnny: Maybe not to you, Roland, but keep in mind I did start Rose Video with $2,000 dollars and a dream, so it's all about planning.

Quote from Roland

Bob: I see it every day. Lots of quiet planning. Sure, he treats himself to a muffin or two, but, uh, I get that that's all part of the planning, right, Johnny?
Johnny: Could be. Yeah, could be. I mean I could look at this muffin and say, this is a fine muffin. I'd kill for a bagel, but I haven't seen one bagel since I got to this town. Now, back at Rose Video, I used to get my assistant to bring me a bagel every morning. So I might think a bagel shop is something this town could use. Oh, I love a good bagel, Johnny.
Bob: Do you-do you think that idea really has legs?
Johnny: Well, it's just an example, Bob.
Roland: Ooh, I just get chills thinking that we're sitting right in the middle of the "Johnny Rose Dream Factory!" Ooooh! Stupid baby. I'll tell you what, Johnny, instead of the license fee, I'll just take a bite of your muffin. Mmm! Good! Mmmm! Mm! Mm!

Quote from David

David: Well, this can't be it.
Stevie: That's it. Can't you tell by how upscale the boutique is?
David: Well, that's false advertising. I've been in this boutique, and nothing about it is upscale.
Stevie: How did you being in this store ever happen?
David: I was with Roland, we were shopping for Jocelyn. It's a long, frightening story.

Quote from Bob

Bob: [runs up] You know, Johnny I think you're really on to something with this bagel idea.
Johnny: Yeah, but Bob, as I said this morning, it wasn't so much an idea, as it was an example of an idea.
Bob: I see. Well, for example, if you were to open a bagel shop, what would be the first thing you'd need to do?
Johnny: Well offhand, I honestly don't know, I suppose I'd start by finding a space. And then I'd probably source out a bagel oven, and um, a bagel baker.
Bob: Sesame seeds? Gwen loves the ones with sesame seeds.
Johnny: Yeah well, whatever.
Bob: And then we get the blueberry cream cheese. Ooh!

Quote from David

David: Ooh!
Woman: Do you think I should get it?
David: Mm! That's a question.
Woman: You don't like it.
David: I never said that. I never said that. I feel... You know, in France, they say the looser the fit, the sexier the feel, so...
Woman: I've never been to France.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Hi! How much longer do you expect me to wait in the car like some hired chauffeur?!
David: Um, yeah, I'm gonna need you to do something for me.
Stevie: Like drive home without you?

Quote from Stevie

David: Uh no, Wendy has got me on a bit of a trial run with the customers, and I'm gonna need you to help me out by looking like you're enjoying this conversation a little more than you are, um, I'm gonna need you to buy a couple blouses from me.
Stevie: A couple?!
David: One. A blouse.
Stevie: What about this?
David: Well, that's not an option. That-no.
Stevie: But I have my sister's communion this weekend.
David: Okay, don't do that.
Stevie: Don't do what? Do you not like it?
David: Don't, Stevie!
Stevie: Good recommendation, sir! This is gonna be a smash at my husband's trial hearing. He's got good taste.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Alexis? The woman at the general store said a girl in Elmdale recently contracted avian flu. So I got you a bit of everything.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Weren't you supposed to be at choir practice?
Moira: Rehearsal. Yes. I supposed to be there over an hour ago.
Alexis: So why aren't you?
Moira: Because I kept picturing you diseased and all alone.
Alexis: That's never stopped you before.
Moira: I know! What the hell is going on, Alexis? I'm feeling something. Something debilitating! You're the ill one, but I'm I'm feeling this- This-
Alexis: Maternal instinct, maybe?
Moira: No, that's not it. No!
Moira: Maybe.
Alexis: No!

Quote from Johnny

Roland: Have I offended you in some way, Johnny?
Johnny: Probably.

Quote from Bob

Johnny: Roland, there is no bagel business! Okay, it was just a stupid idea I made up because you were right.
Roland: Well, I know that! Right about what?
Johnny: About me not doing anything. It's tough enough coming up with a business idea, let alone a money making idea in a town this small, and I was you know, putting a lot of pressure on myself. Maybe too much pressure. And I've been doing nothing but treading water. So I started rambling about bagels this morning.
Bob: [runs up] Look at this, the brain trust!

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Bob that's not it, no. See, there won't be a bagel shop. 'Cause I've looked into it, and it's not feasible. And there already is a bagel shop in Elmdale.
Bob: But Ivan's about to hand in his notice down at the quarry, and, uh, I gave you that check.
Johnny: Yes and of course I'm- I'm returning this check to you.
Roland: Whoa, whoa, hold on a second. You took money from Bob? Why didn't you come to me?
Johnny: You would've given me money?
Roland: No, of course not, but as your partner-
Johnny: You're not a partner! Not my partner.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Look Bob, I appreciate all the confidence you've shown in me. I really do, and I promise you this: I will come up with a better idea real soon.
Bob: You know, next time, uh, I should probably see a business plan so I don't invest so much in another, uh, hollow scheme.
Roland: Yeah, me too.
Johnny: You didn't invest.
Roland: Yes, and whose fault is that?

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Okay, I'll just drop a little raisin in here to release the bubbles.
David: Blech. That's not necessary.
Twyla: Okay. Congratulations.
David: A whole raisin.


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