Tom: How long do you think It would take me to learn golf, Leslie?
Leslie Knope: I could teach you. I have a 16 handicap. But you know, it takes a lot of practice. You have to get up early, hit the range, practice reading greens.
Tom: See, I don't wanna do all that. I think I just want some of those dope pants.

Evelyn Roushland: We think that this is a great P.R. opportunity, so we've arranged for a reporter from the Journal to stop by to interview, get some pictures of the team.
Leslie Knope: Task force. Great.
Evelyn Roushland: And next time you need a special favor from the mayor's office, give me a call.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, I will. I need so many special favors. Which one should I choose?
Evelyn Roushland: Well, you don't have to choose right--
Leslie Knope: How about an extra recycling can? No. Laminated bus pass? No. What time do you usually go to sleep? 'cause my best ideas usually come to me at night.
Evelyn Roushland: Let's stick to business hours, shall we?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, all right.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Hi, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Hi! Andy, you remember Shauna Malwae-Tweep From the Pawnee journal.
Andy: How could I forget? You wrote the article when I fell in the pit. And then afterwards had sex with Mark, and everyone talked about it.

Leslie Knope: Hey, April, can I talk to you about this situation with the possum?
April: No.
Leslie Knope: Okay, hypothetically, if you were going on a mission to, say, catch a guilty whale. And while you were catching the whale you saw something else that may also be another whale, and you were like, "what?" But then you thought, maybe it's not a whale? Maybe it's a big fish. Maybe it's a submarine with a face painted on it. The point is, If I kill the first whale, am I technically a murderer?

Evelyn Roushland: Now, Leslie, you did a great job. And the mayor knows that you did a great job. Now where is the possum?
Leslie Knope: I'm sorry but he's somewhere. You'll never find it. And he's gonna stay there until the truth comes out. And I will not reveal his location, no matter how much you ask me. But I'm gonna stop talking now 'cause I'm afraid I may accidentally say where it is. So please go.

Leslie Knope: This is interesting. They put down a raccoon that bit a jogger in a park in Staten Island.
Tom: Wow.
Leslie Knope: And in Walnut Creek, California, they put down a duck that bit a kid. But security footage later revealed that it was actually a goose.
Tom: That's great.
Leslie Knope: No, it's awful, Tom. How would you feel if you killed an innocent duck and let a vicious goose waddle free?

Tom: [aside to camera] I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal, the man is a god.

Tom: Happy belated Valentine's Day.
Ann: Valentine's day was a month ago. Why are you giving it to me now?
Tom: Whatever. Happy early Valentine's Day. I saw this and I thought of you. Hope you keep that somewhere special.
Ann: Okay, this is one of those nanny cam teddy bears, isn't it?
Tom: What? No! It's a regular camera-less teddy bear. [Ann unzips the bear] Just put it in your bedroom, don't even think about it. [Ann holds an electronic device] It's a robot bear. It's programmed to snuggle.
Donna: I'll take it.
Ann: Donna, there's a camera in it.
Donna: I know.

Ann: All right, that's basically it. Water the plants, get the mail...
April: Can I read your mail?
Ann: No, please don't.
April: Fine.
Ann: Oh, and, um... Here are the keys, and remember...
April: I know, don't let Tom make a copy.
Ann: That's right, good.

[aside to camera:]
Ann: I'm paying April 50 bucks to watch my house while I'm away. I would have asked Leslie, but I've seen the way she takes care of her house. Plus, there's always been a little distance between me and April. And I thought this would maybe, I don't know, give us a chance to get a little closer, maybe even...
[separately to camera:]
April: I don't like Ann.
[back:]
Ann: Become friends. Who knows?