Leslie Knope: Can I ask you a question? Are we the cutest couple you've ever seen?
Herman Lerpiss: Nope. Okay, you want the long needle or the short needle? Doesn't matter. Can't find a short needle. Long needle it is.
Leslie Knope: I have a big idea. I want a portrait of Eleanor Roosevelt, tastefully done, and then she has a very classy tattoo of Pat Benatar on her arm. And that's very subtle. No, scratch that. Scratch all that. Just write "Ben".

Tom: I don't want to be a failure again, Ron.
Ron Swanson: There's no shame in failure if you gave it an honest effort.
Tom: Easy for you to say. People are dying to give you money for your business, and you didn't even take it.
Ron Swanson: I didn't sell my chairs to that website because I value my name. The only thing that's important at the end of the day is what's on your gravestone... Your name.
Tom: My gravestone's gonna be a 60-inch touchscreen with a hologram of four mes singing End of the Road by Boyz II Men... But point taken.

Tom: Business at Rent-a-Swag could not be better. Yesterday Jaden Smith came in, and he was like, "Look, I want to quit the music/acting business and work here with you." And I was like, "Jaden, be serious. The world needs you. You have a gift."
Trevor Nelsson: Ever since my client opened his store across the street, your sales have plummeted. It's only a matter of time before you're out of business. But my client has had a moment of weakness, something he referred to as "sympathy"? He's made you a final offer... $40,000 for Rent-a-Swag and all of its contents. I suggest you take it.
Tom: Well, I've heard all the facts, and it's pretty obvious what I have to do... Get a big old mug of hot chocolate, put on my thinking PJs, and get back to you.
Trevor Nelsson: The offer is valid for 48 hours. We would also be interested in acquiring your thinking PJs.
Tom: Listen to me very carefully. No matter what happens, you will never acquire my thinking PJs or my YouTube blazer... Nonnegotiable.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] It's recall day. I've made my case, and the latest polls have it as a dead heat, so there's nothing left to do but wait. I'm fine. I mean, I got stuff to do. I'm planning a haunted house. Plus, um... It's Kevin Pollack’s birthday. That's something to focus on today. Who cares about the recall? It's Kevin's day.

Donna: [screams] Ron! You're in Bloosh!
Tom: What? Ron's in Bloosh?
Donna: Ron is in Bloosh! [laughing]
Donna: What is Bloosh?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Bloosh is a weekly lifestyle email written by Annabel Porter. She used to be the face of the Eagleton phone book. Then she moved to Hollywood to pursue her dream of becoming friends with a bunch of celebrities. Then she moved back to become a lifestyle guru. She's legit. She spent four months living in Kate Bosworth's pool house.

Tom: "A Ron Swanson-designed chair is the must-have item of the season, along with red quinoa, wind therapy, and buying an island."
Donna: Annabel says that buying an island is the only real way to know that your goji-berry farm is pesticide-free.

[aside to camera:]
Ann: Leslie's been holding it together pretty well, but today is when she needs us the most. That's why we formed the Leslie Knope emotional support task force.
Ben: Anything she could possibly need to get her through these final hours, we got it covered... Back rubs, YouTube videos of turtles and birds becoming friends...
Ann: A poster announcing the new Lilith Fair concert. It's fake, but it'll buy us an hour.
Ben: We even have a secret hand signal in case we think she needs help. It's loosely based on the Klingon greeting salute.
Ann: I just learned that. And if I had known, I would not have agreed to it.

Ben: Okay, Leslie's on her way in.
Ann: Is she okay? I left her, like, 30 voice mails, and her outgoing message is just her sobbing and burping and crazy laughing.
Ben: Yeah, you know what? She's actually handling it pretty well.
Leslie Knope: What's up, fartwads?
Chris: Are you eating a paunch burger?
Leslie Knope: Well, you know what? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I mean, I've been boycotting them ever since Pinewood and her goons started this whole recall business, but who cares now, right? What does it matter? Nothing matters anymore. Mmm. Oh, my God. This is good. This is really good. Why did I ever fight this?
Chris: Have you thought about a concession speech?
Leslie Knope: Oh, concession speech? Yeah, I wrote one. "Eat my shorts, Jabronies. Knope, out."
Ben: I thought it best to revisit the concession speech at a later time.

Donna: B-13 shots. Bird bath salts. [laughing] Wha...? Champagne decanters! This is heaven.

Tom: That was my last shot.
Donna: Sorry, Tommy. Let's just grab some of that lychee body oil and bounce.
Tom: Can you grab me some of those pomegranate face masks too?
Donna: Fo' sho'.