[montage:]
Schmidt: Ooh, Jess, I just found a Groupon for hypnosis lessons. Think about what you can do with that. Sex stuff.
Jess: [o.s.] Jar.
Schmidt: Look, guys, has anyone seen my good pea coat?
Winston: [o.s.] Jar!
Schmidt: Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?
Nick: [o.s.] Jar!
Schmidt: Darn it! Has anyone seen my croquet cleats?
Schmidt: Hey, Jess, have you seen my other timepiece?
Schmidt: Nick, I came up with the best name for an uncircumcised penis. Bishop in a turtleneck.
Nick: [o.s.] Ugh! Jar!
Schmidt: Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere.

[flashback:]
Schmidt: Benjamin, I can't wait to get to L.A. We're going to have so much sex. in the morning, in the afternoon, at bedtime. Mmm, peanuts.
Benjamin: I'm telling you, man, I'm gonna run that town one day... You'll see. I'm gonna write you a check right now for $100 million. How do you like that?
Schmidt: Damn, dude.
Benjamin: And this is a real check. You can cash it when I'm rich and awesome. Give me about four years. Do the song.
Schmidt: [sings] We built this Schmidty
Both: [sing] We built this Schmidty on Tootsie Rolls.
[present:]
Schmidt: If it wasn't for Benjamin, I, I never would have become a Los Angeles baller. Holla. I changed everything about myself, Jess. I lost all the weight, I changed my clothes, I even dropped my voice half an octave, but it wasn't enough. I guess I'll just never be cool enough, Jess.

Jess: Hey, I just came to make sure you're okay.
Schmidt: I'm not okay, Jess. I had to cancel my birthday party. It's social suicide. I can feel my it factor going away. And then what am I gonna tell Benjamin?
Jess: Why are you so worried about Benjamin? He's your friend.
Schmidt: We have a very weird, girl-style friendship where we kind of hate each other. We're bronemies. He's my fremesis.