‘Bad in Bed’
Season 1, Episode 8 - Aired December 6, 2011
Jess is nervous about sleeping with Paul because she's only been with Spencer for the last six years. Meanwhile, Nick is uncomfortable getting a haircut, and Schmidt invites himself to his boss's baby shower.
Quote from Paul
Jess: So, I'm looking forward to having sex tonight.
Paul: Yeah. Me, too. Sex is the bomb. [chuckles] Sorry. That sounded like a guy from Entourage.
Jess: Do you like porn?
Paul: No. Do you? [Jess nods] Yeah, I mean, I... Yeah. I do, I do like pornos. Yeah, you know, when my imagination isn't really working... or I've exhausted, uh, the bull pen.
Jess: I just find it very erotic. And then I just love, like... everything that's erotic.
Quote from Jess
Jess: [sternly] Sit down.
Paul: Okay. Whoa, wow.
Jess: [imitates old-timey newscaster] You are hot, hot, hot.
Paul: Thank you.
Jess: Hello, weather service? Oh! There's a heat wave from Portsmouth to Port, Kansas!
Paul: I don't know, I don't... what is happening.
Jess: We're talking dirty, slim.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Now, why don't you let me see your little caboose?
Paul: Okay, here. Let me go ahead and...
Jess: Your caboose.
Paul: Oh, okay.
Jess: Your butt.
Paul: Oh, my butt! Okay. Here's my caboose! [Jess spanks him] Oh, happy birthday, me!
Quote from Jess
Jess: [deep voice] I'm gonna split you like a log!
Paul: Okay. What are you... wait, hold on. What is that?
Jess: It's a lumberjack.
Quote from Jess
Winston: Hey. What's up, Jess?
Nick: You okay, Jess?
Jess: I messed up. He ran away. He got scared.
Winston: Why would he be scared?
Jess: Because I choked him. I lightly choked him.
Winston: Wow. That's what happens when you listen to Schmidt.
Quote from Nick
Jess: It's just... when I was with Spencer, I just didn't even think about this stuff, you know? Just did it.
Nick: Okay. Here's the thing. You gotta stop thinking about it. Just relax, and be yourself. You're awesome.
Jess: What do you think, Winston?
Nick: Why are you asking Winston?
Jess: Because, Nick, look at your hair. You really don't look like someone who's good at sex.
Nick: I can't believe you just said that.
Quote from Winston
Winston: Here's what you do. You're gonna stop worrying about it. Completely.
Jess: Yeah. That's really good.
Nick: That's literally what I just said.
Winston: What are you worried about, anyway? Paul doesn't care what you do. I've seen the way that boy looks at you. And he is crazy about you.
Nick: I agree, I...
Jess: Shh. I'm trying to listen to Winston.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Paul. Wait. Um... Last night was kind of a... low point for me. I mean... I'm not really into that stuff. I just... I thought that whatever I used to do wouldn't be good enough, or sexy enough, or advanced enough, and that's why I did that... [reaches for Paul's shoulders]
Paul: Oh no!
Jess: Sorry.
Paul: Oh, no. No, it's okay, it just surprised me a little bit.
Jess: I just... I like you.