Adrian Monk: Your honor, I will not be able to serve today, unfortunately. For a number of reasons. First off... There's the bathroom situation. I can't share a bathroom. I just can't. You can ask Natalie. Natalie?
Natalie: Yeah, he's persnickety. He's very persnickety. He's persnickety squared.

Natalie: Good morning. Picked up your mail. What is going on?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'm having fun. I love this stuff.
Natalie: Yeah, so I see.
Adrian Monk: You know, I usually don't like shaking hands, but I ever met the man invented Tupperware, I would shake his hand.
Natalie: I think he might be dead.
Adrian Monk: Well, I would still shake his hand, because he's probably perfectly preserved. All right, look. It's virtually airtight. Look at this.

Adrian Monk: I have two plants at home that are completely dependent on me, your honor.
Judge Rienzo: Plants?
Adrian Monk: I have a fern and a small azalea bush.
Judge Rienzo: And you have an assistant. Can't she water the plants?
Adrian Monk: Good question. Here's the thing. She has a tendency to overwater.
Natalie: Okay, that is not true. That happened once.
Adrian Monk: More than once.
Natalie: It was two ounces.
Adrian Monk: Two ounces to an azalea bush is like a swimming pool.
Natalie: Okay, wait-
Judge Rienzo: Mr. Monk, I have seen hundreds of people pretend to be disturbed to avoid jury duty, but you, sir, are in a class by yourself.
Adrian Monk: You're too kind.
Judge Rienzo: Well, it's not gonna work, sir. You have a seat, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Objection.
Judge Rienzo: You're juror number 11.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Pay attention, I'm only gonna say this once. Escobar's hearing is tomorrow at 12 noon.
We lock this joint down tonight at midnight, every exit, every window. 1 a.m., we sweep for bombs. Head to toe. 6 a.m., I want snipers on this roof and on the roof next door. We arrive 11:30. 11:40, we meet Lapides at the elevator and hand him off. After that, he's the bureau's headache.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, could you repeat that, please?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, what part?
Lieutenant Disher: Uh, everything after "Pay attention, I'm only gonna say this once."

Natalie: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh what?
Natalie: Uh-oh nothing. I'll show you later.
Adrian Monk: What? What, what is that?
Natalie: Don't worry, you don't have to report for weeks.
Adrian Monk: Report for what? I've been drafted? They've reinstated the draft. I'm gonna have to shower with naked people, naked. Naked naked men with...
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you're not being drafted. You have jury duty!
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, you're gonna have to take off your belt.
Adrian Monk: Ah, I was going to anyway. To hang myself. Don't get me wrong, it's a great system. It really is the best justice system in the world.
Natalie: I agree.
Adrian Monk: I just don't wanna be a part of it.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, what if everybody felt that way?
Adrian Monk: Everybody does.

Lieutenant Disher: [over radio] Repeat, armed and dangerous. He's wearing a beige suit and a purple shirt. I think it's purple. It might be lavender or mauve, I'm not sure.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, nobody cares about the shirt!

Journalist: Good afternoon, I am live from in front of San Francisco Police Department. We're here waiting for Miguel Escobar to return from his pre-trial arraignment. Here he is! Sergeant. Sergeant Stottlemeyer! Excuse me, can we get a word, please?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No comment. Actually, it's "Captain."
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer, with three T's. Four, if you count the one in "Captain."

Natalie: Mr. Monk, I don't understand. You've dedicated your life to fighting crimes, right? Solving mysteries, sending guilty people to jail? Well, you can do that here. That's what juries do. It's the same thing.
Adrian Monk: But I work alone. I'm a lone wolf.
Natalie: You're a lone wolf?
Adrian Monk: Even when I was the force, I didn't really like having a partner. I can't work with other people.
Natalie: Okay, well, I think that's kind of sad.
Adrian Monk: I agree. That's very sad.

Natalie: You know, I hope you do get picked. I think it'd be good for you.
Adrian Monk: Don't say that.
Natalie: You know, you work with different kinds of people. You know, you listen to their opinions, argue, compromise.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Natalie. I, I know you mean well. I'd rather be sucked out of an airplane window.