Alex: Dad, your phone's been buzzing like crazy.
Phil: Sweet Lorna Doone. Nineteen missed calls? I wonder who's... [answering phone] Phil Dunphy. You saw the ad? Great. Do you know what you're looking for? The little one. I think I know which one you're talking about. Um, if you're interested, I also have an older model with a lot of character. What? I think the carpet matches the drapes. I haven't checked in a while. Both of them? Wow. Well, I guess that makes sense if you're planning to flip one. Listen, um, why don't I call you back? We'll set up an appointment. It will give me a chance to give them both a good scrubbing. All right. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

Luke: Looking great, Dad.
Phil: With these steps, I break the surly bonds- Chicken in a basket! Don't look at me.

Haley: Another brochure from a community college. You know, I bet Mom is having them send these.
Alex: Really? You don't think they've targeted you as a must-have recruit?
Haley: At least this one doesn't have that fakey lunchtime shot of the black guy, Asian girl, and an Indian- Oh, wait! There it is. Wow, that wheelchair kid is really cracking everybody up.

Phil: Knees bent. Arms loose. Chin up. Butt out.
Gloria: Ay, no, Phil. This is too much.
Phil: No, just remember, "kbalcubo."
Gloria: Huh?
Phil: K-b-a-l-c-u-b-o. "Koala bears always lose cherries under big overpasses."

Manny: [aside to camera] What qualifies someone as a hero? Obviously, a hero has to be someone we respect. A person we look up to. A person who is generous of spirit. Who's willing to grow and learn. Maybe it's the person you love most in the world or the guy who makes the most out of life, no matter what anyone thinks. The hero in my family is my family, because of who we are together. "C-. This was not the assignment." I'll tell you who is not my hero. Mrs. Rita McNabb.