Haley: Okay, so after a quick scan of his Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, and Instagram, here is what I know.
Luke: Privacy is dead?

Cameron: Here's to the best construction crew in the business.
Claire: Okay.
Cameron: Hank. Luis. Paco! Wish you could be here right now, buddy.
Alex: What? Did he die?
Cameron: No, he's on the roof, fixing a shingle that he should've gotten right the first time.

Gil Thorpe: Dunphy, I'm not gonna lie to you. You guys did a nice job on the house. My buyer wants in.
Phil: Fantastic! That is great news! You know, when we first got into this-
Gil Thorpe: Whoa, the small talk's over. Here's what we're prepared to offer.
Phil: You're joking, right?
Gil Thorpe: I don't joke about real estate. I joke about golf and Mexicans. It's okay, though. I'm married to one.

Jay: Now I'm not an art expert like you, but I did acquire this piece in a gallery in one of the finer Vegas casinos. What do you think?
Trish: It does say something.
Jay: He used to, before his little voice box broke. It said, "Welcome home, master. Ruff day?"

Phil: [on the phone] Gil! Phil Dunphy.
Gil Thorpe: Ha ha ha! I knew you'd come slinking back! [to the other golfers] Hey, guys! It's Dunphy. He's cavin'. What did I tell you? What did I tell you, hey? [on the phone] Oh, Dunphy, I can play you like a ukulele, 'cause you're small and dainty.
Phil: Gil, I wanna talk to you about your offer.
Gil Thorpe: Oh, ho! Let me stop you right there. This is how this is gonna go down. First of all, I'm gonna take you out to a very nice dinner. I'm gonna talk really sweet to you. And then I'm gonna lay you down by the fire...
Phil: Oh.
Gil Thorpe: Slow at first, then... And then you're gonna go home and tell everybody you went to the movies, but you and I both know that you got thorpedoed.

Cameron: And, as we make our way out of the gourmet kitchen, we find ourselves back in the warm embrace of the parlor.
Mitchell: Easy Duchess, it's just one room, not Gosford Park.

Gloria: I love the house. It's beautiful. Here is a tree.
Manny: It's a pachira, a Taiwanese symbol of good financial fortune. It's also known as a money tree.
Jay: That makes two of us.

Luke: Hey, I've got a friend who wants to buy a house. Maybe I can show it to him after school. Then if he buys it, I'd get the commission. What would that be?
Claire: Adorable.
Luke: I'm serious. And I'm not adorable. I'm getting a mustache.
Lily: I know my A-B-C's.
Luke: Wow. I guess things weren't about you for a second.

Gloria: [on the phone] It's okay, Manny. I'll see you in a minute. Yes, I'll be polite and I'll be nice. I promise. [hangs up] I'm going to kill him.
Jay: What'd Javier do this time?
Gloria: His one big weekend alone with his son, and I just found out that he brought his latest bimbo along. He always does this. You remember that time that he took Manny and that stripper fishing?
Jay: Yeah. They barely got a nipple. Come on. That was good. I just thought of that.
Gloria: Are you done?
Jay: I bet she was comfortable with the pole. Ah. Should've quit after "nipple." How does Leno do it night after night?
Gloria: I was just wondering that about myself.

Cameron: Something you wanna say, Mitchell?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Yes. I told you so. I warned you this would happen. I tried to stop it, but you wouldn't let me. I was right, and you were wrong. Uh, you live in this ridiculous candy-colored fantasy land. I am so much smarter than you, and it is killing me not to rub your nose in it!
[back:]
Mitchell: No. I'm just thinking.