Javier: Now what I see is a man who is not man. He is a servant who has lost his dignity. It is a commentary on the class system in society. As well as a handy place to put your keys and sunglasses.
Gloria: Whatever he is, your Barkley is going back to the attic.

Jay: Five words. It's a book.
Gloria: There's an old man. On the boat. He caught a big fish. The Old Man and the Fish!
Manny: Uh, time!
Jay: "The Old Man and the Sea"!
Gloria: Never heard about it.
Manny: Hemingway's classic tale of man versus nature.
Trish: Leave it to a guy with a hundred cats to write a good fish story, right?
Manny: Oh, ho, Trish!
Gloria: What is this, a book club or a fun game? Go.

Javier: You could do this for a living.
Manny: Really? There's such a thing?
Jay: No, just like there's no such thing as a professional Broadway enthusiast. You're gonna have to get a real job.

Jay: What the hell was all that about?
Gloria: Why don't you ask Trish? She knows everything.
Jay: Well, at least she's not a bimbo. She and Manny seem to hit it off fine. What's the problem?
Gloria: Just one weekend, and he already idolizes her. And why wouldn't he? She's so much smarter than me. She knows so much more about the things that he loves. They have their little inside jokes. If she learns how to froth his cappuccino, I am history.

Jay: You and Manny have the closest relationship I've ever seen. Hell, he may never form a healthy attachment with another woman after you.
Gloria: You're just saying that.

Javier: I wanted to ask you for my abuela's ring back. I really want Trish to wear it. She is the most amazing woman I've ever known.
Gloria: You see that I am holding a knife.
Javier: Please. Half our marriage was you with a knife. Trish is the one. And Manny already loves her. He can spend more time with us now. Holidays, summers even.
Gloria: Fine. I'll go get you the ring. But you owe me $8 because I had to replace "the emerald."

Javier: Now listen, my love. This belonged to my abuela.
Trish: Um, maybe not now, Javier.
Javier: No, no. Please. Please. It will fill my heart to see this ring on your your finger. Oh. It's-- it's a little small.
Trish: I can't do this.
Javier: No, no. I'll just push a little harder.
Trish: Javier, stop. It'll never work.
Javier: But wait, my love. We can put butter on your finger.

Haley: Hey! Thought I'd just swing by and see how it's going. Zack here?
Claire: Oh, my God. You are wearing black tights. Alex was right. You are into him.
Haley: That skank Zoey broke his heart. I can make him whole again!

Gloria: Listen, I would be the first person to understand that you're having second thoughts about marrying Javier.
Trish: I am, but I do love him.
Gloria: Of course you do, even though he's irresponsible and impulsive, and if your sisters are even a little bit pretty, he's gonna try-
Trish: No, no, no, no, no. It's not that.
Gloria: Is it the drinking? Is it the gambling? Is it because of your fat fingers?
Trish: No, it's you.
Gloria: Me?
Trish: How can I compete with you? All Manny talks about is how he's got the world's greatest mom. And I know Javier regrets losing you.
Gloria: No, he doesn't.
Trish: Oh, believe me, he does. And who could blame him? I mean, look at you! Who has a body like that?! And you just had a baby two months ago? I mean, what- Do you just live at the gym?
Gloria: Who has time for the gym?
Trish: Oh! You know what I had for lunch?! I had a half a granola bar, and I can't button my pants! I can't cook! And at best, I am average in bed! And I will never, ever, ever live up to the great Gloria!
Gloria: Welcome to the family!

Zack: You know, this is probably not gonna help my negotiating power, but I kinda can't believe how perfect this house is.
Cameron: And how much is little Otis gonna enjoy this doggie door?
Zack: How do you know my dog's name?
Cameron: I don't.
Zack: Yeah, you do. You just said "Otis."
Mitchell: No. No, no, he said, "Oh, dis doggie door would be perfect for your dog... should you own one."