Claire: Wow, this office is huge.
Jay: Just placed it. This used to be Schweinberg's department store. Wall of TVs over there. I almost knocked down the display of fondue pots when I saw they were letting Barbara Walters anchor the news.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam's sister's son is staying with us because, well, you know, she's back in jail.
Cameron: But she didn't do anything terrible. She just didn't understand the rules of her probation from last time...
Mitchell: When she did something a little terrible.
Cameron: But we're taking baby Cal back to live with my parents on the farm. Which is a good thing because he's not really a a house baby.
Mitchell: No, no, he's freakishly strong and off the charts size-wise.
Cameron: On the charts. 99th percentile.
Mitchell: He has two teeth and I've seen him eat a whole chicken.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Phil and I are going to Hero-Con to indulge in our love of fantasy fiction. Um, I-I've always wanted to go, but i-it's a little nerd-forward, and I was always afraid my family would make fun of me. So I've asked Phil to keep it between us.
Phil: That's why we chose our secret warrior signal. My first suggestion was to blow a Viking horn. Don't ever Google that, by the way.
Mitchell: I already did.
Phil: This year, there's a panel, um, on our favorite show, "Clash of Swords." It's got a lot of graphic violence and female nudity, but that's part of its appeal to the fierce warrior inside every man.

Claire: Nope, she's out sick again. Oh, Dad, don't forget we're about to meet with those guys from that start-up.
Jay: Oh, right, aspiring closeteers seeking advice from an industry legend.
Claire: Yeah, just skip that part of your speech where you say "I didn't choose closets"
Jay: They chose me!

Gloria: The only fun thing I have is that pyramid made out of- [gasps] Ay, Cam, look what your giant baby nephew did!
Cameron: Yeah, but you know, it's not his fault. He's three times the size of a child his age. And you know what, some Tucker boys have a young growth spurt that's no picnic. I had to go to court to play Little League.

Jay: Listen, uh, we weren't kidding about you being careful. And, uh, not to get dramatic, just keep your wits about you. Here.
Manny: What the hell is that?
Jay: It's an air freshener. What does it look like?
Manny: I'm going on the Martha Stewart bed-and-breakfast tour of America, not an Aboriginal manhood quest.
Jay: I'm not saying you're gonna need it, just better safe than sorry. Slash, don't stab.

Manny: Okay, no messy goodbyes, I'm out of here.
Gloria: Ay, papi, I'm going to miss you. Can you at least stay for the party that I'm making for Joe?
Manny: Mom, Mrs. Nussbaum is paying me to get her car to Delaware by Friday at noon. I already lost an hour looking for my driving gloves.
Jay: You're plowing through the heartlands in an inchworm-green Camry with a bumper sticker that says "Meat is Murder." I hid these gloves for a reason.

Phil: My eyeliner keeps smudging. Thanks a lot, gal at the MAC counter.

Jay: Have you seen Margaret? I need her to clear my day. I just found out you can get the Golf Channel online.

Nick: We didn't know where to hang up our puffer vests, so we just dropped them on some rando's desk.
Claire: Hi. You must be the guys from EzraVision.
Nick: Yes, I am Nick. And these are my guys.
Jay: Jay Pritchett, obviously. Fellas, take a seat. Make yourself comfortable. Which one is gonna be holding the tape recorder?
Nick: You know what? Why don't we just make this quick? We actually have to go hang out in a bike shop that only plays Drake. So here's our offer, best and final.
Claire: Offer for what?
Nick: [chuckles] For your company. We want to buy you out.
Claire: I'm sorry, we thought that you were here to just, you know, get information.
Jay: Get out of here!
Claire: Dad, if you would just let me speak-
Jay: Who do you think you are, marching in here like a bunch of hotshots? And why is nobody wearing socks?!