Manny: Anyway, I heard you need a letter from school signed. I kinda nailed my Declaration of Independence replica. Forged every signature with this pen. So...
Luke: Stop. We have a deal. I'll say I cut the baby's hair. And you give me that cool pen.
Manny: What? No. No, that's not what I was going to-
Luke: A deal's a deal.

Luke: Such a cool trophy. Say, how'd that new guy Rudy Sorrenson do?
Jay: He was great.
Luke: It's funny how he has the same name as one-time pro bowler Rudolph Sorrenson, which would be against league rules. Well, I'd find it funny.

Gloria: Jay, hurry up. You have to take the kids to the movie. And why does the baby still have that hat on? He's going to burn up.
Jay: Gloria, I have a confession to make. I gave Joe a haircut. It's bad.
Gloria: Why would you do that?
Jay: My dad used to cut my hair when I was a kid, and I thought it'd be a nice way for the baby and me to bond. But I just made a mess of things, like I make a mess of everything.
Gloria: Let me take a look at this.
All: Oh!
Gloria: Ay, dios mio!

Mitchell: Dad, why would you do that to your own son?
Manny: He's just a baby.
Luke: Plus you ate that cake.

Gloria: [aside to camera] I know that they expected me to go all Colombian crazy. But this was just another opportunity for me to show them that I was not the superficial Gloria that I used to be. Plus I was very relaxed after the day I had. What? Did you think I was gonna throw away a whole spa day?