Francis: All right, so I got it all worked out. You tell Mom that you need me to repair the lawnmower, and then I hang out and I just...
Hal: No, no, I- I'm just not going to do that, Francis.
Richie: Hey, you guys better figure it out quick. This cheap-ass trash can's melting.
Francis: Well, maybe you could talk to her then? Just calm her down so that I could come home, maybe today even?
Hal: Francis, you've got to stop putting me in the middle!
Francis: What, you're just going to let her win this round, too?!
Hal: Francis, there is nothing that I can do. You know what the problem is here? You and your mother are exactly alike!
Francis: That's a lie!
Hal: That is true! You're both stubborn and unwilling to bend. So, fine, you win! Congratulations! This is your prize! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go. It smells like something died in here. [exits]
Richie: Your father's right, man. Sometimes you can be so stupid. [throws can of lighter fluid in the grill] Uh-oh.

Malcolm: Mom, this is the test. Take a look at this question. "What was the cause of the Great Depression?" He put down "Black Thursday." That's a correct answer.
Mr. Woodward: No, that's only a partial answer. To get full credit he should have included the vast overproduction in the U.S., protectionism in the foreign markets....
Malcolm: Overexpansion of credit and stock market speculation?
Mr. Woodward: Yes. That would have been a complete answer.
Malcolm: Ha! You didn't read the answer because that's exactly what I wrote.
Lois: "I" wrote?
Malcolm: The royal "I," as in Reese. Because I think we can all identify with what he's going through.

Dewey: [to fly] There you go, Tony. Night-night.
Lois: Oh, my God, look at the size of that thing.
[Dewey screams as Lois rolls up a magazine]
Lois: Dewey, what in the...?
Dewey: Run, Tony, Run! [throws fly out the window]
Lois: Why are they always named Tony?
Dewey: Bye, Tony. I love you.

Homeless Man: Sounds like you-you've had it rough.
Francis: Oh, man, you have no idea. [the man offers Francis his sandwich] Thanks.
Homeless Man: I've got a place near the bus station. It's warm and fairly dry. You can stay there for a while.
If-if you want to.
Francis: You'd do that for me?
Homeless Man: It's a tough world. We've got to look out for each other.
Francis: Thanks. [car horn honks] Richie!
Richie: Dude! I heard your mom kicked you out. You want to stay at my place?
Francis: You are a lifesaver!
Homeless Man: Could you give me a lift to...
Francis: Sorry, man. We're going the other way.

Lois: Hal! Come down from there!
Hal: Hi, honey.
Lois: What do you think you're doing?
Hal: Oh, just... fixing the shingles.
Lois: Francis has responsibilities. You can't keep covering for him.
Hal: This is not about him. It's about me. I just wanted to get some fresh air and... the view from up here is... is incredible. Did you ever think that I might be enjoying myself? [screams as a leaf blows in his face]

Lloyd: We, uh... here's the VCR you ordered.
Mr. Woodward: I didn't order a VCR.
Lloyd: Yes, you did! Feel free to call and verify. I know the extension number. There's someone there right now.
Mr. Woodward: That won't be...
Dabney: Or you can take a look at this A/V equipment schedule. Your name and class hour's right here on page seven in nonstudent handwriting.
[Malcolm swaps Reese's paper from inside the TV cart]
Mr. Woodward: All right. Go ahead and leave it. [Reese nods]
Lloyd: Okay.
Dabney: No, no, you said you didn't order a cart so you're not going to get one.
Lloyd: We'll just be leaving and pushing this out the door. Ah, here it is!

Malcolm: Mr. Woodward? I'm Malcolm, I'm Reese's brother.
Mr. Woodward: Oh, hi, how are you?
Malcolm: Well, Reese is upset. He thinks he did better than an "F" on his history test. I read it over, and I sort of thought... it wasn't half bad. Do you think there's any way you can maybe take another look?
Mr. Woodward: Malcolm, you should be commended for your fraternity, but, uh, the test deserved an "F."
Malcolm: Mr. Woodward, maybe if you just looked at it again...
Mr. Woodward: I can't spend a disproportionate amount of time on Reese. It's not fair to the other students.
Malcolm: But he didn't deserve an "F" on this.
Mr. Woodward: Look, Malcolm, I-I've been a teacher for a long time and, uh, I think I know what Reese is capable of.
Malcolm: I really don't think you do, because...
Mr. Woodward: Look, you may not want to hear this about your brother, but I've known kids like Reese my whole life. They're the ones who throw water at you so it looks like you wet your pants. They aim for your legs in dodgeball, and you fall down and you break your jaw and you need to have your mouth wired shut and your teeth don't set properly. And you spend six years in orthodontia with the most painfully embarrassing headgear ever designed, which is only because they don't feel fully actualized.

Malcolm: That guy's totally out to get you.
Reese: Man! I was just using that as an excuse. He is so dead when Mom finds out!
Malcolm: Reese, we can't bust him. If we rat him out, then Mom will know we cheated.
Reese: We're doomed.

Malcolm: [to camera] Yeah, it's cold, filthy and dangerous, but I say we got off easy. If we all pitch in, we should be done in a week. Hey, hurry up.
Mr. Woodward: I'm trying. I've got tar in my eyes.