Hal: You have got to do something, Lois. Piama just asked me for a ride to the bus station.
Lois: I thought you didn't want me to interfere.
Hal: Okay, I take back everything I said. You can interfere as much as you want, just fix it!
Piama: Well... I'm ready.
Lois: Piama, there's just one thing I want to say. I know that breaking up is painful, but I think in the long run, you'll find it's for the best.
Francis: For the best?
Lois: Well, Francis, let's be serious. This marriage never had a chance. I just think that you'll be better friends once you're divorced.
Piama: Who said we're getting divorced? I love Francis!
Francis: You can't stand to see anyone happy, can you, Mom? Come on, honey, let's go get my things.
Piama: They're out in the trash. Sorry, honey.
Francis: That's okay, sweetie. [to Lois] Once again, you've underestimated us. We're not the little dancing monkeys you thought we were.
Hal: [to Lois] Thanks, honey.

Kirsten: Malcolm, I never noticed what nice eyes you have.
Malcolm: Really? [to camera] Kirsten Stuart. I think she likes me, but I can never be sure.
Kirsten: Yeah, I guess I was distracted by your freakishly large head.
Malcolm: [to camera] Mostly 'cause of stuff like that.

Kirsten: Cute butt. [Malcolm turns around] Why'd you have to spoil it?
Malcolm: [to camera] I know what she's trying to do. She's trying to confuse me, throw me off balance. But you know what? It's not going... [walks into a tree]

Francis: [o.s.] I will not keep my voice down! [opens door] What, you think they won't know in, like, five minutes that we're getting a divorce?!
Piama: Sorry, we're having some problems.
Francis: Having some problems? Is that what you call finding out that all the love that we shared was a lie?! [sobs] Hi, Mom.

Malcolm: [to camera] This party's pretty cool. And, you know, I think I've figured Kirsten out. It's more of a friend-brother kind of thing. It's not really sexual. [Kirsten blows on her pool cue] Then again...

Kirsten: I bet you kiss like a nine-year-old.
Malcolm: What? [to camera] What? Okay, this one I do know what she was doing. It was a total come-on. I'll show her how a nine-year-old can kiss. [turns around to kiss Kirsten and instead comes face-to-face with Dylan] Hey.

Francis: [o.s.] [sobs] Don't tell me not to cry! Maybe my tears will make an ocean and you can sail off on a boat to a new life without me!

Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, things have definitely been going better. I'm absolutely more or less sure she might like me... I think. [to Kirsten] Looks like you're behind the proverbial eight ball. [to camera] Oh, geez, "proverbial?" Maybe she didn't notice.
Kirsten: Malcolm, can you hand me the chalk? It's right there next to the proverbial cheese dip.
Malcolm: Okay, okay. I know it was a little stilted.
Kirsten: No, I thought it was right on the proverbial money.
Malcolm: All right.
Kirsten: Sorry. Did I hit the proverbial sore spot?
Malcolm: You know, you may think that's flirting, but it's not. It's just hostility.
Kirsten: No, I-I'm pretty sure it's flirting.
Malcolm: Really?
Kirsten: I guess I'm not as good at this as I thought. [Malcolm slowly leans in] Before we're old? [they kiss]

Lois: You know what? I didn't want to butt in, but I'm glad I did.
Hal: What did you do, Lois?
Lois: I talked to Piama. At least she seemed interested in listening to what Francis had to say. He's going to tell her exactly what I told him to say.
Piama: [enters] What business is it of yours if I don't want to wear thong underpants?
Lois: What?
Francis: Piama, I didn't get to finish.
Hal: See what happens, Lois?