Hal: How did this happen?
Lois: It's terrible. What's that look, Hal?
Hal: Come on, Lois. You've been trying to undercut this relationship from the start. And now all of a sudden, they're getting a divorce and you had nothing to do with it?
Lois: Please. You really think I have that much power to orchestrate people's lives... besides yours?
Hal: All I know is that our son is talking about ending his marriage - a marriage which you never supported.
Lois: Hal, that's ridiculous. Fine, fine. You want me to go talk to Francis?
Hal: Yes. No! No, no, no, no, no, no. This is some way for you to try to work out your agenda.
Lois: Fine. I will not say a word to either one of 'em.
Hal: Good. Wait. You won't say anything, which means you're just going to let this whole thing fall apart. Oh, I see your game, Lois.
Lois: Hal, what is it you want me to do?
Hal: No, no, you are not dragging me into your little Machiavellian schemes, thank you very much. No, you spun these tangled webs yourself, Lois. You get yourself out.

Reese: Dewey, I need you to do something for me.
Dewey: No. No more. I'm sick of this. If I have to sculpt another radish or de-vein another prawn...
Reese: Dewey, do you trust me?
Dewey: No.
Reese: Do you fear me?
Dewey: No. Not in the long run.
Reese: Come on, Dewey. It's just a couple of things I need that I couldn't get Dad to spring for. So here's $80 from Dad's wallet. The items on this list cost $240, so you'll have to turn on the cute. Can you handle it?
Dewey: I keep whatever's left over?
Reese: Deal.

Francis: Mom, can I talk to you?
Lois: No, honey, please. Don't talk to me about this. No matter what I say, I'm going to be blamed. This is for you to work out with that woman.
Francis: Piama.
Lois: I know her name.

Sales Clerk: Son, these truffles are really expensive. And if you lost your money, it's really not my problem.
Dewey: But... [coughs] ...they told me to get truffles. I don't know why, but... [coughs] ...my parents tell me this is going to be a very special Thanksgiving.
Sales Clerk: [hands over truffles] My boss is a jackass anyway.
Dewey: Thank... [coughs] ...you. [coughs]

Hal: I saw you talking to Francis, Lois. You couldn't stay out of it, could you? You had to drive a wedge.
Lois: Hal, I told him that Piama was right and that he has to apologize to her.
Hal: Okay. I'm not smart enough to figure out what you're up to, but when something bad happens, I am blaming you.

Reese: Dad, what are these?
Hal: Minced onions.
Reese: Minced? I specifically asked for diced! [slams bowl down] Come on, Dad!
Hal: Don't take that tone with me, Reese.
Dewey: This isn't fun.
Reese: Fun? No, Dewey, this is not fun. Neither one of you seems to understand. We are not playing games here. There are lives at stake.
Dewey: No, there aren't.
Reese: Okay, but it's very important. We're creating something special, something great... something beautiful.

Hal: Why is my wallet in my other pocket?
Reese: Can we stay focused, Dad?
Hal: There was $80 in here.
Reese: I had to! The cheese course was a joke.
Hal: Reese, you are in big trouble. And you know what? I have had it with this. I'm through! With the helping part. I'm still doing the eating part.
Reese: Fine, go. I don't need you. I still have Dewey. He's twice the assistant entremetier that you'll ever be!

Malcolm: [to camera] This is the best Thanksgiving ever. I'm going to memorize this moment so I never forget it. [drinks beer] This is the best Thanksgiving ever. I'm going to memorize this moment so I never forget it.

Piama: What is all this stuff?
Reese: Piama, good, I need you. Here, stir this pot. All right, all right. I just have to stuff the acorn squash rings with roasted pepper and polenta, sear the scallops with... [oven timer rings] The monkfish! Where are the oven mitts?!
Piama: You want me to look?
Reese: No, keep stirring. No place mats, no tea towels... I need something.
Piama: I'll get a towel from the bathroom.
Reese: No, there's not enough time! It has to come out at exactly 5:38. Not 5:37, not 5:39.
Piama: What are you going to do?
Reese: There's only one thing I can do.
Piama: Reese, no!
Reese: Yes!
[Reese takes the foil-wrapped tray out of the oven with his bare hands]
Reese: Clear me a space!
Piama: Where?!
Reese: Move the oven mitts!

Malcolm: I just left her there on the floor and staggered home.
Francis: To shower us with affection.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Francis: Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, sure, the distance wasn't much of a factor, but the volume was impressive. So you going to see this girl again?
Malcolm: Are you kidding? I can't believe it. We were alone. She wanted to do it. I was right there. How could I have chickened out?
Francis: Dude, you didn't take advantage of a drunk chick.
Malcolm: Mom must be slipping. All I got was no TV, video games or computer. I have to clean all the kitchen and bathroom tile with a toothbrush, wash every window in the house and change Jamie's diaper for the next six months, but...
Francis: No, you got, like, nine other things after you passed out.