[Malcolm's dream sequence:]
Reese: You've taken my arms and legs. What else do you want?
Malcolm: I want your eyeballs for my chocolate sundae.
Reese: But I'll be blind, and your sundae will only taste a little bit better. [screams]
Malcolm: I'm the worst brother ever!

Lois: [on the phone] Don't worry, Hal. I will be there first thing in the morning. Yes, I will bring your shaving cream and your toothbrush. No, Hal, do not make a break for it. Say it back to me. Okay. I love you.

Lois: Okay. The lawyer's supposed to meet me here at 7:00. If I'm late, feed him something, but not the tuna casserole. That has to last for the next four days. Hopefully, by that time, your father will... [sighs] Somebody better do those dishes.
Francis: Mom, don't worry. Just do what you have to do. We'll look after the house.
Lois: I have to go. Don't let me forget to get your father's allergy medication and pick up his suit for the hearing.
Malcolm: You want me to do anything?
Francis: Well, you could steal your brother's girlfriend. Oh, wait, you already did that.
Malcolm: I know what I did was awful. Believe me, I know, and I don't even want forgiveness, but I think if you all just give me a chance, I can prove that I'm a better person than this.
Piama: My eyes are up here.
Malcolm: [to camera] I'm just going to have to find Reese, that's all. It shouldn't be too hard. Where's he going to go, anyway?

Lois: Does he have to wear that thing?
Dennis: Hey, it was either house arrest or jail. I think we made the right choice.
Man: All right, your anklet sends a signal to the tamperproof base station. Your court order says you have to stay within a 50-foot radius.
Hal: Can I shower with this?
Man: Oh, now you're snapping at me? Okay, you just lost ten feet.
Hal: What are you doing?
Man: Let me tell you how this works. You may have a court order, but the truth is I can set this to whatever I want: 200 miles or four inches. Oh, look. You're vacationing in Vegas. Whoops. You can't get out of your own bathroom.

Dennis: Lois, I've been in the public defender's office for ten years, and I can tell you that arraignment was not a disaster. I bet we can get 'em down to conspiracy to commit fraud.
Lois: That's what he's already charged with!
Dennis: Oh. Do you have a pen?
Lois: Look, I know how overworked you are, but from now on, you have only one case: an innocent man with five children and a wife whose lives are teetering on the brink of oblivion. Please don't let that happen. You have to save my family. You are the only person who can help us.
Dennis: Lois, I swear to you, I will work night and day to get your husband out of this. My screenplay can wait a few months.

Lois: I'm sorry, Hal. I have to go to work, but don't worry. We will get through this. I love you.
Hal: Oh, I have the most amazing wife.
Man: Now you're going to throw that in my face? That cost you five feet.

Francis: There's no way I would have picked the laundry if I knew that this stuff was in it.
Piama: You're afraid of your mother's underwear? What's the big deal about your mother's underwear?
Francis: Stop saying "mother's underwear."

Malcolm: I don't know how much longer Mom can handle all this: the double shifts, the bills, the meetings with the police and the lawyers.
Francis: Don't forget the missing son.
Malcolm: I'm going to find him!
Dewey: Well, if anyone cares, my flight number is five...
Malcolm: Oh, hey, Mom. Just give us a second, and we'll clear all this stuff off the bed for you. [Lois collapses onto the bed]
Piama: What time does she want the alarm set?
Malcolm: [reads Lois's hand] 5:30. [reads Lois's arm] We're also supposed to brush our teeth.

Hal: [answers phone] Hello.
Mysterious Man: Hello, Hal. I have some information that can help you.
Hal: What? Who is this?
Mysterious Man: I'm not going to tell you, but I know you're innocent, and I can prove it. We need to meet face to face, somewhere where there's a crowd.
Hal: But I can't...
Mysterious Man: Look, if you want to stay out of jail, you'll do it.
Hal: Why can't you come here?
Mysterious Man: Your place is being watched. Your phone's probably bugged, too. Meet me Thursday at noon at the place where you go when you say you're getting more toner.
Hal: The Donut Shack?
Mysterious Man: All right, plan "B." Meet me at the place where you go when you say you've got a dentist appointment. Don't say where it is.
Hal: Got it. Hey, I know who this is. You're... [line disconnects]

Reese: My drill sergeant's breath is not my concern! My drill sergeant's breath is not my concern! My drill sergeant's breath is not my concern!