TV Quotes

Malcolm: Mom, what are you doing?
Lois: For crying out loud, Malcolm, why am I paying for underpants that you're not wearing?
Malcolm: Mom.
Lois: Why are you not wearing your underpants?
Malcolm: I want to wear boxers.
Lois: Oh, really? Well, you may think you suddenly need all the extra room, but let me tell you, my dear, you are getting way ahead of yourself.
Malcolm: [to camera] Just once, I'd like a childhood memory I don't have to repress.

Spangler: Cadets, apparently one of you felt the compelling need to take my '37 Stutz Bearcat for a joyride in a cornfield. You may be sure the responsible party will be disciplined. Now, I know in the past I have resorted to grueling midnight hikes through leech-infested swamps or the repetitive digging and filling of ditches, et cetera, et cetera. But things have changed. Due to a recent court decision involving corporal punishment, a loophole has allowed me to unretire "Old Hickory." Mmm. He hungers for the sting of insolent flesh. [whips two flies down]

Spangler: An untucked shirttail, Cadet? Is that what we teach you here? To disgrace your uniform? I think not.
Francis: Sir, his shirt just came untucked when he was hugging his father. You can't yell at him for hugging his father.
Hal: Francis...
Francis: No.
Spangler: No, I'm glad you saw this. This is exactly what I was talking about. Always undermining my authority. Day in, day out, it's the same thing. Like when I had Cadet Dooley run 600 laps of the perimeter for an inside-out pillowcase violation, Francis organizes a sit-in. Or when I cut off the electricity to the fifth floor for a contraband boom box, he hijacks a generator for them. The boy lives to cause chaos.
Francis: He was hugging his dad!
Spangler: In front of his own father, he still defies me at every turn.
Hal: And every time something like that happens, he challenges you?
Spangler: Every time.
Hal: Even when he knows he'll get in trouble?
Spangler: That doesn't seem to matter to him at all.
Hal: I understand.

Francis: I couldn't sleep at all last night.
Eric: Me, too. It's like there's something creepy in the air.
Spangler: Francis!
Francis: Commandant Spangler!
[Eric drops a tray of cutlery as he salutes]
Francis: What are you doing in Alaska?
Spangler: I've come for you, Francis! I've been searching for you for months.
Francis: Me? Why?
Spangler: Why? Because... after 32 years as an educator and disciplinarian, your desertion stood out as my only failure. A failure that... haunted my every waking moment. I began to see your face in those of other young cadets who didn't deserve the wrath that I poured down on their innocent souls. There was a lawsuit. Charges were filed. Disgrace. I can't even remember the fire but I do... remember... the cause! Through all of my suffering... I saw the stupid grinning face of the one person responsible for all of my suffering!
Eric: Who?
Spangler: Die! Die! Die! [whimpers]
Francis: Sir, cut it out, your hooks are cold. [Spangler sobs]