Hal Quote #462
Pastor Roy: Hal, I have to meet a parishioner in my office. Would you mind continuing the lesson?
Hal: What, me?
Pastor Roy: Don't worry. It's just the story of Daniel and the lions. I'm sure you know it in your sleep.
Hal: Uh... Okay, then, class. [clears throat] Uh... This is a story about a man named Daniel, and, apparently, some lions, so... Um "Uh, it-it pleased Darius to set over the kingdom 120 princes, which should be over the whole kingdom, and over these three officials, uh, uh, of whom Daniel was first"
Dewey: [raises hand] When do the lions show up?
Hal: Soon, Dewey. Please, you just have to be a little patient. [loses page in the bible] Ooh! Ooh! [closes book] "Uh, uh, and Darius said to Daniel, 'Yea, verily, I smote you, and I send thee to be thrown into the den.' Where soon, Daniel was eaten by the lions."
Girl: I thought God saved him.
Hal: Oh. Well, sure. [chuckles] I was getting to that. Uh, as, as it is written... the lion dith spit him up along with a lamb. A talking lamb.
[later:]
Hal: [loudly] "And verily, it came to pass, that the big lump in the middle of the boa constrictor turned out to be the missing ranger. Forasmuch as the multitudes could still hear his radio saying unto them, [imitates CB radio] 'Come in, Dave. Dave, do you read me?'
Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
‘Day Care’ Quotes
Quote from Dewey
Dewey: Yeah, like Pastor Roy said. How God's so much bigger and wiser than us, and trying to see what he's thinking would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking.
Helen: Yes, exactly. But we can trust in His wisdom and we can have faith that He is watching over us.
Dewey: Like me with the anthill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good and which ones were bad. But they all just looked like ants, so I started smiting all of them.
Helen: Well, that's not-
Dewey: I was smiting them with the garden hose, and with lighter fluid and with the lawn mower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them. There was nothing they could do about it.
Helen: But I don't think-
Dewey: Really, it's the same with us. There's nothing we can do about anything, either. So why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better.
Helen: Well, that's good, but-
Dewey: I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible and try not to dwell on God standing over us with that giant shovel. Bye.
Quote from Lois
Lois: It's baby Moses in the bullrushes. And I started to think about that story, where the mother has to take her little one and send him down the river forever to be raised by someone else. And I wanted to be that mom. Hal... I don't like this baby.
Hal: Are you serious?
Lois: I know it's terrible. I don't deserve to be a mother. I'm supposed to be feeling all this perfect motherly love, and it's not there. It is just not there.
Hal: I can't believe you're saying this.
Lois: I know it's horrible.
Hal: You really don't remember, do you?
Lois: Remember what?
Hal: Honey, you've hated all our babies. You couldn't stand the sight of any of them for at least two months.
Lois: What?
Hal: Well, Reese, six months, but he was a nipple-biter, so I didn't blame you. You told me to leave Francis at the county fair so he could be raised by cows.
Lois: Oh, my God.
Hal: It's just that you're so tired and, I mean, this all seems so overwhelming, but believe me, in a few weeks you are going to love this baby as much as anyone has ever loved a baby.
Quote from Hal
Lois: Hal, what are we going to do? My maternity leave is over, I go back to work tomorrow, and we still haven't found day care for Jamie.
Hal: Well, honey, maybe you'll have to just stay out a little longer. I know money is tight, but we can always stretch our pennies a little more. [Hal waters down already clear apple juice]
Lois: This is insane. There is no juice left in there. You are watering down water.
Hal: All right, we're desperate!