Reese: I wonder if moving out and being on my own is going to change me? Do you think I'll get a British accent?
Malcolm: Absolutely.
Reese: Hey, wait. You know what us moving out means.
Dewey: What?
Reese: We can get rid of the nuclear option.
Malcolm: Oh, my God.
Dewey: You're right.

Hal: [on the phone] Listen, I am begging you. I just need $5,000. You think I would be calling you if I wasn't desperate? Look, I know how much you hate me, but- No kidding, I'm at rock bottom. I've got no money, no prospects and nowhere else to turn. Well... Can I speak to a senior loan officer?

Al: So, 3:15 you make the last round of the bathrooms. Toilet 12 is a bit of a diva. Then you rinse your mop in hot water and disinfectant, and you hang it on a yellow peg. Any questions?
Reese: Yeah. Why would you ever go home? This job is better than I could ever imagine. A cool uniform, the power to cordon off wet floors. You're not just some creepy loner hanging around the school. You're the janitor!
Al: Don't get too excited, kid. You'll be gone after 30 days.
Reese: Oh, no, I am really committed to this.
Al: No, no, no, you don't understand. This is a union gig. Once you get past the 30-day probation, you're locked for life. Full benefits, medical, everything. So they never keep a new guy for more than a month. Hey, I'm sorry, kid. You really seem to be a natural at this. I've never seen anybody take to garbage the way you do.
Reese: There's got to be some way. I mean... I mean, what if there was a mess... A mess that was so big and sticky and disgusting, that it was impossible to clean up in less than 30 days?
Al: It's a beautiful thought, kid. But there's no such thing as a 30-day mess.
Reese: Yeah? Well, they also said they'd never put a man on Mars.

Lois: You know, if you want me to take a look at your valedictory speech, I'd be happy to.
Malcolm: Mom, stop it. I don't want anyone to see it until it's ready.
Lois: Fine. But if you ever want some fresh ears...
Malcolm: No, I'm really happy with it. Just let me do this.
Lois: Okay, okay. But why are you quoting a rap group when there are people like Paul McCartney out there who are just as relevant and don't go around showing off the tops of their underpants?

Loan Shark: You want 8,000 dollars?
Hal: Yes.
Loan Shark: All right, the way this works is you come back next week-
Hal: That won't be necessary. I'm not going to pay you back. Hear me out. There's no way I can get the money to pay you, but instead of making you go through that whole, stupid charade where you keep calling me and I keep making lame excuses until you hunt me down, I am willing to go straight to the leg-breaking.
Loan Shark: Really?
Hal: Yes. Whenever you say, I just show up and you start snapping bones. Arms, legs, whatever. Invite anyone you want. I promise, I will scream and cry and beg for mercy, and make it so loud and so horrible that no one who sees it will ever miss another payment again. Now, you can't buy that kind of publicity.
Loan Shark: Couldn't I just not give you the money and still break your arms and legs? Wouldn't that accomplish the same thing?
Hal: True. But then I think your point starts to get muddled. Maybe we should sleep on it. [runs away]

Francis: Yeah, Mom, let's all jump through hoops so the big corporate fat cat doesn't have to see anything real.
Lois: You know, Francis, it wouldn't hurt you to jump through a hoop or two. Are you even still looking for a job?
Piama: As a matter of fact-
Francis: As a matter of fact, I don't have to. I got a lot of irons in the fire right now. I got three different ideas for children's books, and I'm considering applying for a bounty hunter's license.
Lois: Are you insane?! In what world is that even remotely- Piama, will you help me get the good china on the closet? I love finally having an excuse to use these.
[As Lois removes a box from the closet, Francis and Dewey watch as the X-ray falls to the floor.]
Lois: I took them out once when that congressman was going door to door but, he just clogged up our toilet and left.
[Francis pulls out a piece of chewing gum and sticks it to his shoe. He goes over and steps on the X-ray, lifts his foot and grabs the X-ray behind his back.]
Francis: By the way, Mom, I think it's high time we cleared the air about that day you threw away my Harlem Globetrotter autographs.
Lois: Harlem who? What are you talking about?
Francis: I'm not saying there was definitely some unconscious racism going on, but I do think someone could benefit from a little self-examination in a quiet moment.
[Francis walks away backwards with the X-ray hidden behind his back.]
Francis: Dewey, can I see you in your room for a second? [both run into the boys' room] Okay, it's pretty obvious I just saved your ass. Now I want to know why.

Francis: Are you kidding me? That whole cancer scare was fake?! I played cards with her in the hospital for no reason? Why didn't you just get rid of this?
Dewey: I don't know. I couldn't. The thought of destroying it just made me sad.
Francis: I get it, Dewey. You love your brothers. You didn't have much to keep you together, but you had this. And now I have this. Something really horrible to blackmail you guys with that I'm totally clean on.
Dewey: Mom's friend Jenny.
Francis: We're good. [hands Dewey the X-ray]

Malcolm: So Mr. Hampton, you got all the subroutines, the GUI, all of that into 16K? I can't get a Boolean sort in that.
Cedrick Hampton: You youngsters are spoiled by all that cheap RAM. When I started out, I had an 8-bit bus that ran at 4.7 megahertz, and I was happy to have it.
Lois: This is fantastic. I haven't understood a word you've said for the last ten minutes.
Abe: Oh, you don't have to be that impressed. Sure, now he owns a GulfStream jet and a baseball team, but there was a time when this guy's name was Accident Pants. [laughs] Remember that? Remember that?
Cedrick Hampton: I remember somebody begging me for a loan. Remember that? Remember that?

Cedrick Hampton: Now, listen, I'm really not here to socialize. I've seen some of the programming you boys have done. The server-to-server algorithm, the evolution simulator, that's all good stuff.
Stevie: He thinks... we're geniuses.
Cedrick Hampton: Well, good enough for a two-year contract, anyway. Full benefits, stock options. We're talking six figures each.
Hal: Oh, my God! Wait, how many is six?
Cedrick Hampton: I'm not being charitable. I'm locking you in while you're still cheap, but I need an answer right now. Otherwise it's not worth it to me.
Malcolm: Well, I-
Lois: That's a very generous offer, Mr. Hampton, but no.
Malcolm: Mom, what are you?
Lois: Malcolm's going to college, he's going to finish his education. But thank you very much.
Malcolm: He wasn't asking you, he was-
Cedrick Hampton: Ma'am, I completely understand. I should have talked to you first. Consider the offer withdrawn. Sorry, kid. 24/seven job. You'd need your whole family behind you. And don't be mad at your mom. She's only trying to look out for you. Who knows how far I would've gone if I went to college?

Francis: Good job, Reese.
Reese: Hey, I am the victim here! Those are my hopes and dreams you're scrubbing out of your cracks!