‘Graduation’
Season 7, Episode 22 - Aired May 14, 2006
When Malcolm is offered a lucrative job in software ahead of his graduation from high school, Lois puts her foot down and insists he is still going to Harvard. Reese is loving his new job as janitor at his old high school, until he learns they never keep the newbies for more than thirty days. Meanwhile, with Malcolm and Reese set to move out, the boys decide to destroy "the nuclear option".
Quote from Francis
Lois: [on the phone] Susan, I'm sorry. Mom just bullied me into giving her our last ticket for graduation. Because the last time I stood up to her someone dumped a pig's head down our chimney. [sighs] Besides, she's already on her way. She's driving down with Francis and Piama. [Lois opens the door]
Piama: Lois, I really think he's going to do it this time! You've got to stop him!
Francis: [picks up poker from the fireplace] There you are. I drove by 80 miles of blunt objects just to get to you. [yells at Ida] I hope you run!
Ida: You better make that first swing count, Princess. [Lois closes the door on Ida]
Lois: [through the door] Hi, Mom. Finish your cigarette and I'll make you some lunch. Come on, you can help me make your beds. I don't know why those two can't get along.
Malcolm: [to Francis] You had to make a speech first, didn't you?
Lois: Hal.
Hal: Right. [takes poker from Francis] Son, don't feel bad. In some parallel universe, you did it.
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: Oh, no. They canceled my Pearson Grant.
Hal: That was $3,000!
Malcolm: They're using the money to do a study on what happens to kids who can't afford college. They're offering me $50 to be a part of it.
Quote from Ida
Ida: Show it to me.
Reese: It's beautiful, Grandma. I just cracked the lid a quarter inch and it burned off all the hair in my nose.
Ida: Good. Who takes the fall?
Reese: Huh?
Ida: Your patsy. Who is your patsy? [Reese is silent] Ah, it's a good thing you called me. If you're going to make this big mess, they're going to blame someone. And you can make it anyone you want. A teacher, a neighbor. If you're lucky, a whole family goes down. And you get to sell their dog.
Reese: You are amazing. If you ever brushed your teeth, I would kiss you.
Quote from Reese
Craig: Sorry we're late. You wouldn't believe the fight we got in over shower curtains.
Reese: Those dolphins were gay.
Craig: You think all dolphins are gay.
Reese: All dolphins are gay.
Craig: Dolphins can kill sharks.
Reese: Gay guys can kill sharks, and they're still gay.
Quote from Ida
Ida: So, right when we walk in, I fake a seizure. When I fall, I make sure my skirt comes up over my hips. I'm going commando, so you'll have plenty of time to sneak this out of the car.
Reese: I love you, Grandma.
Ida: You're a good boy.
Quote from Piama
Piama: Well, we might as well go ahead and have kids. I'm not afraid of changing diapers anymore.
Quote from Malcolm
[three months later:]
[Reese is wearing his janitor's uniform and holding his mop and bucket as he talks on the school pay phone:]
Reese: [on the phone] And when they found the peepholes in the bathroom, they fired Al and brought me on full time. Grandma's right, it's good to have a patsy. So how's it going with you, Mr. Ivy League Big Shot?
[Malcolm is wearing a janitor's uniform and holding his mop and bucket as he talks on the pay phone:]
Malcolm: It's great. It's a whole new world. Listen, I've got to get to my Calc class. I'll talk to you later. [hangs up] [runs to class]
Quote from Hal
Reese: What'd I miss?
Malcolm: There was this big flash, some fire shot out, and now he's just coming to.
Reese: What?! I was only gone for a second!
Dewey: Shh! I want to see this.
Lois: Oh, for God's sake, Hal! Pay the money and get a repairman.
Hal: I am not wasting good money when I am perfectly capable... [Hal screams as sparks fly from the TV] [boys laugh]
Quote from Craig
Craig: Okay, I've packed all your winter clothes, your comic books and half your knickknacks. Guess what. We have the same Quiet Riot CD, roomie.
Reese: Stop calling me that. I'm not your roommate for another two weeks.
Lois: 12 days! The second you graduate, you are out of this house and into his.
Quote from Lois
Lois: What other jobs can you get?
Malcolm: I've already got three shifts in the cafeteria, Monday and Wednesday at the bookstore, and mopping the dorms at night. I don't know, I guess I could chop vegetables during chem lab.
Hal: This is outrageous! Kids with half your brains are getting full rides!
Lois: Maybe they didn't correct their interviewer on his pronunciation of "Sarte."
Malcolm: [quietly] Sartre.
Hal: I don't care. We will find the money somehow.