Lois: You know, I wouldn't give up a single one of them.
Hal: They're our boys. No one else can say that. They're our boys. [looks at pregnancy test] Negative.
Lois: Uh, all that worry for nothing. A girl would have been nice, though.
Hal: Are you kidding? We've got you outnumbered five to one now and we're still losing. [both chuckle then kiss]
Lois: Boys, go to your room!

Hal: All right, who did what now?
Lois: You did. I'm two weeks late.
Hal: What? No.
Lois: Yes.
Hal: Wait... no. No, you can't be. You can't be. We've been very careful. How can you let this happen?
Lois: How could I let this happen?! You're kidding, right?
Hal: I'm just saying, you're the woman.
Lois: What is that supposed to mean?
Hal: You know that I can't be trusted with these things. I mean, you're the gatekeeper!

[flashback:]
Lois: Hal, we have a baby.
Hal: Yes, we do. The baby. Fragile... helpless... little baby.
Lois: He's beautiful. Oh, we're so lucky, aren't we, Hal?
Hal: Huh? Yeah. Lucky.
Lois: You think we're going to be good parents?
Hal: You kidding? The best.
Lois: Do you think it's going to change our relationship?
Hal: Our what? No. No.
Lois: 'Cause we get along so well now, and everybody says a baby really changes things. Oh, I better feed him.
Hal: Why? Frankly, I think he's getting kind of fat.
Lois: Hal, the nurse said I should feed him every four hours.
Hal: Yeah, well, did you get a look at the nurse? I mean... [chuckles]
Lois: Hal, where is the baby?
Hal: I don't know how to say this exactly, but I think the baby's... [baby cries off-screen] ...in the closet! [chuckles] Whoo! Here he is. Perfectly safe.
Lois: You put the baby in the closet?
Hal: You left the milk out on the counter.

Doctor: You're only two centimeters dilated. I think you've got four or five hours at least.
Lois: No.
Hal: Honey, the doctor...
Lois: No! He is coming out now! I have had it with this! You are coming out right now, mister!
Doctor: Ah, ah, ah, what are you doing? It's not time to push. You're just going to prolong your labor.
Hal: Oh, great. Make it a challenge.
Doctor: Lady, you're just going to tire yourself out, and when it comes time to really push, you're going to be exhausted. Look, all I'm saying is, she can try to force this all she wants. It's just not going to... Oh, my God! Nurse!
Lois: [gasps]
Hal: Okay, honey, you're doing great, you're doing great. Just remember to breathe.
Lois: Hal... God, do you think we're really ready for a second baby? We're going to have twice as many kids and half the money. What's it going to do to us?
Hal: We- We'll, we'll find a way. You know, we love each other. We- We'll adjust. We'll make it work. I mean, they're just kids.
Doctor: Here he comes. Ow! My God, he kicked me in the nose. [baby laughs]

Lois: What took you so long?
Hal: Well, I couldn't very well go to the Lucky Aide where you work, now, could I?
Lois: Oh, what, so you drove clear across town?
Hal: Yes, you want to go over the route I took so you can criticize that, too? Damn. Who's in there?
Francis: [o.s.] I'm busy.
Hal: Backyard.
Lois: Are you out of your mind?
Hal: Let's go. I'll let you choose the most direct route.

Dewey: Are Mom and Dad getting a divorce?
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Dewey: They're really mad at each other.
Malcolm: Don't worry about it. Everything will be fine.
Dewey: How do you know?
Malcolm: Look, it used to scare me, too but they just have a way of working things out.
Dewey: How?
Malcolm: I don't know, they just do.
Dewey: But how?
Malcolm: How do I say this so you'll understand? Shut up.

Hal: Need any help?
Lois: Leave me alone, Hal. Take this. Couldn't spring for the one-minute test. This one takes five.
Hal: Four more minutes we get to spend together, dear.
Lois: Don't take that tone with me.
Hal: I'm sorry, this is the only tone I have. It's my "I'm panicking about our future" tone. How can we afford this? Have you even thought about that?
Lois: No, I've just been enjoying peeing in the yard so much, I haven't thought about anything!
Hal: Another snappy comeback! That's very helpful!
Lois: I'm not being helpful?! Let me give it to you straight, Hal! Why don't you take that stick and shove it up your...

[flashback:]
Lois: Are you happy now?
Hal: Me? How is this my fault?
Lois: You are always regaling him with tales of your wild youth.
Hal: Those are cautionary tales.
Lois: Cautionary tales do not end with "It was so cool."
Young Malcolm: Mom, I think I broke my chemistry set.
Lois: In a second, Malcolm.
Hal: All right, do me a favor, Lois. Make me a list of pre-approved childhood memories so I know what I can and what I can't share with the boys.

[flashback:]
Hal: Okay, let's hear it! This has got to be my fault somehow. So go ahead. Say it, come on! I'm the cause of all that is bad in the universe! Everything that I touch turns to crap! And now I bring you rain! [thunder cracks]
Oh, you'll feel better once you get it out in the open, Lois! Come on!
Lois: I'm having the baby.
Hal: Oh... well... that's good because the car keys are inside the house.
So, I can either suffocate by going back in there to get them or you can have another baby out here on the lawn! Try the azaleas! Maybe they'll finally bloom!